Christmas cracker dilemma: is the potential new fidget object worth the bang?
Christmas is a sensory hellscape at the best of times; visiting family and drinking their weird tap water that Just Doesn’t Taste Right, scratchybad festive jumpers that make you feel like you’re being squeezed to death by a large, hairy snake, and being expected to…
Human rights groups appalled as criminals sentenced to Christmas quiz on Microsoft Teams
Human rights organisations across the world have expressed outrage and dismay in the wake of a recent announcement that criminals can now be sentenced to participation in an hour-long festive quiz held over Microsoft Teams. The proposed solution to prison overcrowding was first put forward...
What constitutes “naughty”? Autistic child demands the release of Santa’s ethical guidelines
An autistic child is suspicious after the introduction of yet another reward-and-punishment system based on his compliance, sources have reported. In a statement received by his parents, Kit McGodden, four, says that he is going to need a little more evidence before he signs up...
Talented! Autistic woman forgets everything about her partner just in time for gift-buying season
An autistic woman who has adored her partner for the best part of the last decade is tragically unable to convey her affection through the medium of gifts, sources have reported. Miya Wilkes, 31, can still recite the 15-digit code on the library card that...
Deck the halls! Neighbours determined to have brighter, flashier autism than yours
Your neighbours have reportedly decided to engage in some serious one-upmanship this year by making their autism brighter and gaudier than yours. Talia and Lottie Fitzgerald, both 39, have spent the past three weeks decorating the exterior of their home with so much autism they...
Visit of beloved friend puts autistic man in three-day fight-or-flight spiral
An autistic man has been sent into an adrenaline-filled three-day fight-or-flight spiral in advance of seeing a beloved friend he has known for most of his life, sources have revealed. Noah Michaels, 43, has known his friend Ethan Stern, 44, since childhood, where they attended...
Autistic travel writer’s plans scrapped as outside world declared “awful”
An autistic travel writer has reportedly scrapped her plans to explore the world after unilaterally declaring the outside to be “just awful”. Emma Bernard, 32, sought adventure in the big wide world in an attempt to achieve her lifelong ambition of joining the fictional organisation...
Autistic woman fakes her own death to avoid receiving compliment
An autistic woman has faked her own death to escape an impeding compliment, it has been revealed. Deborah Whitehead, 40, had been braced to receive an unbearable level of praise after her partner hinted that he’d written her a heartfelt anniversary card. Believing the card...
Have a nice day? Man with PDA determined to have a horrible day, thank you very much
An autistic man with PDA has resolved to have the worst day of his life after a customer service representative told him to ‘have a nice day’, sources have revealed. Aidan Michaels, 42, had spent a gruelling half hour on the phone to a utility...
Serving suggestion! Undiagnosed ADHD pairs perfectly with diagnosed depression
An autistic expert in co-occurring conditions has recommended undiagnosed ADHD as the ideal gourmet pairing for a diagnosis of depression, it has been reported. Comorbidity sommelier Sabheen Bhatt, 30, recommends the ADHD you’re pretty sure you have as an accompaniment to the depression you absolutely...
RFK who? Autistics announce plans to live best lives out of sheer spite
Autistic people have unveiled their plans to live the longest and happiest lives they possibly can out of sheer spite toward fascist losers with literal worms for brains. In a statement released today, the world’s autistic population explained that the more these couch-fucking, dog-barbecuing, anus-mouthed...
“In my villain era” says autistic woman who cries at first sign of conflict
An autistic woman who claims she has entered her badass, no-nonsense “villain era” actually bursts into tears at the first indication someone is less than pleased with her, according to sources. Chi-Young Lee, 29, swore to her friends that she was going to stop caring...
Autistic woman’s enamel pin badges unionise
An autistic woman’s ever-growing collection of enamel pin badges has reportedly formed a union to protest against poor working conditions and overcrowding. Abeer Zaki, 24, claims she is “obsessed” with buying quirky badges whenever she attends a convention or shops online, reportedly stemming from her...
