Autistic woman crushed by guilt for binning old Christmas decorations
An autistic woman has been left “emotionally devastated” by having to throw away some old Christmas decorations, sources have said. Emma Bernard, 32, was seen holding a cardboard box full of grotty tinsel and scratched baubles, whispering apologies like it was a bag of kittens…
Autistic man experiences ego death after catching whiff of aftershave gift set
An autistic man has undergone total ego death after opening a particularly pungent set of men’s toiletries gifted to him for Christmas, it has been reported. Lloyd Didcot, 47, made no secret of the fact that he could not cope with strong smells, but the...
Autistic woman keen to stress it has never been a wonderful life and never will be
An autistic woman being shown all the lives she has touched reportedly remains unconvinced that life is, has been or will ever be “wonderful”. 40-year-old Ima Onwugbenu, who had reportedly been feeling “like hot garbage”, was visited by an angel who showed her what the...
“Quiet” autistic cousin just conserving energy to destroy everyone at board games
A “quiet” autistic relative is just preparing to absolutely decimate their family at board games, it has been reported. Des Ackerman, 21, has been silently observing the Christmas festivities since they arrived at their grandparents’ house, leading relatives to comment that they seem especially reticent...
Christmas miracle! Autistic woman’s family falling-out might be for good this time
An autistic woman may, thankfully, never have to speak to her family again after an especially juicy festive falling-out, according to sources. A perfect storm of births, deaths and marriages has meant that 34-year-old Ellie Mulligan’s family has reached a critical mass of gay siblings,...
Autistic child apparently the only one around here concerned about stranger getting into their house
An otherwise sensible set of parents are reportedly unconcerned about the prospect of a stranger breaking into the house, as long as it’s on December 24th. Despite having taught their son the many rules surrounding the dangers of the world including “always wait for the...
Coded message? Relative buys gifts for the person she wishes you were
Your auntie Deborah has, once again, bought you a present featuring all the overly aggressive markers of femininity, despite the fact she’s met you on several occasions and – crucially – has eyes. You, 26, have never shown any interest in personal grooming, and approach...
Pahahaha! Autistic woman thinks she’s going to rise above family drama this Christmas
An autistic woman really, truly, honestly believes she’s going to stay out of whatever fuckery her family pulls this Christmas, it has been rumoured. Siobhan Moorton, 42, has done all the therapy and inner-child work and is confident that nothing her family says or does...
Red nose least of autistic reindeer’s worries
An autistic reindeer has far worse problems than his conspicuously red nose, it has been reported. Rudolph, who is several thousands of years old, sticks out like a sore thumb because of his huge shiny nose, but this reportedly pales in comparison to the pressures...
Dyspraxic woman somehow sustains third-degree burns while wrapping Christmas gifts
A dyspraxic woman has sustained multiple injuries just from wrapping her Christmas gifts, it has been revealed. Krista Shure, who has somehow made it to 33, reportedly attempted to make her gift wrapping look Pinterest-worthy after developing the creeping fear that her presents were entirely...
Christmas cracker dilemma: is the potential new fidget object worth the bang?
Christmas is a sensory hellscape at the best of times; visiting family and drinking their weird tap water that Just Doesn’t Taste Right, scratchybad festive jumpers that make you feel like you’re being squeezed to death by a large, hairy snake, and being expected to...
Human rights groups appalled as criminals sentenced to Christmas quiz on Microsoft Teams
Human rights organisations across the world have expressed outrage and dismay in the wake of a recent announcement that criminals can now be sentenced to participation in an hour-long festive quiz held over Microsoft Teams. The proposed solution to prison overcrowding was first put forward...
What constitutes “naughty”? Autistic child demands the release of Santa’s ethical guidelines
An autistic child is suspicious after the introduction of yet another reward-and-punishment system based on his compliance, sources have reported. In a statement received by his parents, Kit McGodden, four, says that he is going to need a little more evidence before he signs up...
