The Ring! Titular monster in horror movie revealed to be unsolicited phone call
An autistic woman has been missold a horror movie, with the villain being much scarier than was advertised, it has been complained. Merve Öztürk, 36, had never seen horror classic The Ring and so decided to give it a go, believing the villain to be...
Autistic person who thinks horror movie is good idea for them jumpscared by own hiccough
An autistic person who reckons they might enjoy a classic horror movie has reportedly failed to consider that their nervous system has its own nervous system. According to sources, Alix Gardner, 39, who not five minutes ago shrieked because they had accidentally brushed their own...
Autistic child survives IT after running in terror from balloon
An autistic girl has reportedly survived an attempted abduction by Pennywise the Dancing Clown after his attempt to lure her into the sewer with a single red balloon had the opposite effect. Eight-year-old Mary Walker from Derry, Maine, was intended to be the first of...
Seriously?? Autistic child already in sensory overload given sixth fucking sense
An autistic boy already overwhelmed by his existing five senses has, horrifyingly, acquired a sixth one, it has been rumoured. Nine-year-old Cole Seer, who has struggled his whole life with sensory processing disorder (SPD) has now added extra-sensory processing (ESP) to his growing list of...
Autistic person fine with haunted house, terrified by Big Tesco
An autistic person who has no issue living in an abode with a malevolent spirit reportedly quails at the thought of entering the Big Tesco. Jay Chester, 45, who is unbothered by nightly disturbances, objects flying around their room and horrifying threats being daubed on...
Public warned to stop armchair diagnosing celebrities as neurotypical
The general public has been asked to stop assuming all celebrities are people with neurotypicalism, as it’s impossible to make that judgment without proper qualifications. Dr. Karen Hoyland, a researcher at the Institute for Tea, Biccies and ITV, made the statement explaining that neurotypicalism is...
Autistic woman who just overshared to keep talking until she makes it better
An autistic woman who just grossly misjudged what was and wasn’t appropriate to share with you plans to keep babbling on until the situation magically fixes itself, it has been announced. Beth Hapworth, 31, reportedly isn’t sure what she’s hoping to achieve by continuing to...
Acquaintance who laughed at autistic woman’s joke has no idea they’ve earned permanent place in her heart
A person who just let out a sincere belly laugh at an autistic woman’s joke is reportedly unaware that they will now be forever held in alarmingly high esteem. Brenda Hernández, 32, who is used to reactions to her jokes ranging from polite bafflement to...
Stopit. Autistic man desperately trying to make “Friends of Thomas” happen
An autistic man who recently received his diagnosis has reportedly been trying to make the term “Friends of Thomas” catch on, despite nobody joining in. According to loved ones, Dexter Livingstone, 40, has spent his entire life trying to make all sorts of things into...
Urgh! Magic the only way autistic woman will acknowledge her own goddamn feelings
This article is an It’s a Superpower?? special, set in the world of our audio sitcom! To find out more, see the bottom of the piece. An autistic woman is reportedly so in denial about having basic human emotions that the only way she will...