Autistic woman beginning to think of favourite clothing brand as friend
An autistic woman has somehow managed to form a parasocial relationship with her favourite clothes shop, it has been noted. Ellie Mulligan, 39, who spends every penny of her meagre disposable income at online boutique Little Lies, has reportedly anthropomorphised the shop to the point...
Hilarious! Autistic woman unable to have moment of emotional connection without undercutting with punchline
An autistic woman is physically incapable of having even a fleeting moment of sincere emotional intimacy without immediately saying something ridiculous to ruin it all, it has been observed. According to disgruntled sources, Ellie Mulligan, 42, followed up her first “I love you” to wife...
Autistic woman issues statement denying claims she’s a decent person
An autistic woman has issued a public statement putting an end to rumours that she’s a pretty okay guy in the grand scheme of things. Olivia Buckingham, 24, denied in the strongest possible terms that she was a “good egg”, a claim made by friend...
“He’s just being polite!” Woman’s autistic superpower is cockblocking herself
A woman has revealed that her autistic superpower is not noticing when a dude is down to bang until it’s 12 years too late and he’s married with three kids and a dachshund. Natasha Weaving, 27, has perfected the art of being entirely oblivious to...
Report! Life admin more time-consuming than living actual life
An autistic woman’s life admin is basically just her whole life now, a report has revealed. The conclusions of the study into the relentless drudgery of 42-year-old Emma Bernard’s life were announced yesterday – and painted a depressing but immaculately organised picture. Researcher Dr. Graeme...
Groundbreaking! Satire website throws birthday party autistics actually WANT to attend
Autism satire website The Daily Tism has achieved the impossible by announcing a virtual birthday party that autistics actually want to go to (and you’re all invited), it has been rumoured. The Daily Tism, two, has reportedly teamed up with Coherent Comedy, one-and-a-half, to throw...
Autistic woman’s various mental breakdowns neatly tracked via abandoned craft projects
An autistic woman’s many mental health crises can be charted via boxes of abandoned craft projects, it has been observed. The boxes, which have taken up permanent residence in 41-year-old Krista Shure’s spare room in lieu of friends, reportedly reveal a complex archeology of breakups,...
AuDHD woman at gig who can’t remember lyrics really is artist’s biggest fan
An AuDHD woman at a gig reportedly singing along to about a third of the songs, if she’s lucky, genuinely does listen to the artist’s music all the time, it has been insisted. Emma Bernard, 24, who can reportedly “sort of dip in and out...
No laughing matter! This neurotypical woman would like you to be sadder about your autism please
A neurotypical woman furious that you just joked about your own disability has issued a statement demanding an apology for “making fun of autism”. Karen Hoyland, 52, who overheard you making a crass, insensitive joke about your autism, also clarified that she is speaking on...
Revealed! How to turn any post on the Internet into an excuse to trauma dump
It can be tricky when you’ve got some heavy shit to vent but the website or social media page you’re on would be a weird place to air it. If you’re itching to unburden yourself in bizarre and incongruous online spaces but don’t know how...
