Autistic boy who just got passed football unsure what you want him to do about it
Headline by John Butler An autistic boy is reportedly looking helplessly at a football as if its purpose and function are complete mysteries. Finley Rice, 11, made the mistake of walking past a group of kids having what they ominously called “a kickabout” in the...
Autistic woman who tells everyone about kink too ashamed to admit she likes fireworks
An autistic woman who tells everyone who’ll listen about her kink is also too embarrassed to disclose, even to herself, that she secretly very much enjoys fireworks, sources have revealed. Beth Hapworth, 44, reportedly the single most sexually confident woman anyone has ever met, describes...
Friend? Autistic woman’s parasocial relationship with Instagram kitten frankly out of control
An autistic woman who studiously avoids developing parasocial relationships with human public figures has fallen madly in love with a rescue kitten on Instagram, concerned sources have reported. Sara Gibbs, 39, is a writer who understands all too well the hazards of becoming over-familiar with...
Autistic man horrified by anatomically incorrect Halloween skeleton
Headline by John Butler, piece by John Butler with Sara Gibbs An autistic man was left reeling this Halloween after being forced to confront numerous anatomical inaccuracies in an alleged “skeleton”, eyewitnesses have said. Armchair archeologist, Ryan Wilkins, 45, reportedly alarmed colleagues with his “frankly...
The Ring! Titular monster in horror movie revealed to be unsolicited phone call
An autistic woman has been missold a horror movie, with the villain being much scarier than was advertised, it has been complained. Merve Öztürk, 36, had never seen horror classic The Ring and so decided to give it a go, believing the villain to be...
Autistic person who thinks horror movie is good idea for them jumpscared by own hiccough
An autistic person who reckons they might enjoy a classic horror movie has reportedly failed to consider that their nervous system has its own nervous system. According to sources, Alix Gardner, 39, who not five minutes ago shrieked because they had accidentally brushed their own...
Autistic child survives IT after running in terror from balloon
An autistic girl has reportedly survived an attempted abduction by Pennywise the Dancing Clown after his attempt to lure her into the sewer with a single red balloon had the opposite effect. Eight-year-old Mary Walker from Derry, Maine, was intended to be the first of...
Seriously?? Autistic child already in sensory overload given sixth fucking sense
An autistic boy already overwhelmed by his existing five senses has, horrifyingly, acquired a sixth one, it has been rumoured. Nine-year-old Cole Seer, who has struggled his whole life with sensory processing disorder (SPD) has now added extra-sensory processing (ESP) to his growing list of...
Autistic person fine with haunted house, terrified by Big Tesco
An autistic person who has no issue living in an abode with a malevolent spirit reportedly quails at the thought of entering the Big Tesco. Jay Chester, 45, who is unbothered by nightly disturbances, objects flying around their room and horrifying threats being daubed on...
Public warned to stop armchair diagnosing celebrities as neurotypical
The general public has been asked to stop assuming all celebrities are people with neurotypicalism, as it’s impossible to make that judgment without proper qualifications. Dr. Karen Hoyland, a researcher at the Institute for Tea, Biccies and ITV, made the statement explaining that neurotypicalism is...