Woman looks beyond girlfriend’s autism – by staring at her tits
A woman who bravely met an autistic woman for a drink realised there was much more to her than her autism when she noticed something else first: an absolutely impeccable rack. When Beth Hapworth, 28, first noticed her date Emma Bernard, 33, across the bar,...
Autistic child who “can’t express love” to parents declares undying devotion to cat
An autistic child whose parents claim is “incapable of showing affection” regularly hugs and kisses his cat, Trevor, it has been rumoured. Finley Rice, seven, was diagnosed as autistic after his parents noticed he wasn’t achieving regular milestones, such as looking them in the eye,...
Romance! How to plan an autistic date that’ll make the neurotypicals say “n’aaaaaaaw”
If two autistic people go on a date and no neurotypicals are around to gawk at them like they’re at a petting zoo, did it even happen? Set the mood with insipid music meant for toddlers Nothing gets two autistic adults in the mood like...
Autistic girl announces early exit from sleepover due to “liking own bed”
An autistic woman has confessed to leaving a sleepover in 2007 due to preferring to sleep in her own bed, sources have confirmed. Paige Thomas, from Liverpool, who was 12 at the time, said: “I pretended that my parents were worried. In actual fact, I’d...
Social interaction doomed to failure after dress rehearsal goes too well
An autistic man is dreading an upcoming trip to the pub after practising in the mirror went ominously well, it has been rumoured. Ryan Wilkins, 38, has been on edge about the upcoming casual beer with his university friend, Lucas Fletcher, 39, since they put...
Love rat! Autistic man cheats on long-term T-shirt
An autistic man’s T-shirt is devastated to discover that after five years of exclusivity, its owner has purchased a second one, sources have revealed. The black cotton T-shirt had recently celebrated five happy years with autistic man, Dexter Livingstone, 29, but was left “shocked and...
Hope for recently dumped autistic woman as she finally reaches ugly-sobbing-to-Taylor-Swift stage of grief
A newly dumped autistic woman’s friends have expressed optimism about her recovery, as she was overheard bawling her eyes out to the new Taylor Swift album. Paige Thomas, 25, first streamed The Tortured Poets Department LP several days after she was left by now-ex-boyfriend, Dexter...
Phew! Five illnesses to give your unvaccinated children that are WAY better than autism
As a parent it’s only natural to be concerned about that one discredited academic paper from 1998 linking vaccines to autism. On the whole, most of us would agree we’d rather have a child with a higher risk of death than one that’s kind of...
“I grieve the loss of my autistic child,” says mother of boy stolen by giant squid
A mother is grieving the loss of her son — not because he was dragged to the depths of the ocean by a rare sea creature, but because he had autism. Noah Michaels, 12, was snatched on a boat trip during a family holiday last...
Autistic woman whose friend forgot they were meeting up has been waiting at Clapham Junction for three months
An autistic woman whose friend never showed up to their pre-arranged hangout three months ago is still waiting outside the Accessorize at Clapham Junction station ‘just in case’, it has been revealed. Sarah Harrow, 25, was due to meet Paige Thomas, 24, at 11.45am on...