Autistic couple trade off on mutual inability to do household tasks
The world’s only autistic couple with a semi-functional household and a relatively clean set of surfaces have attributed their success to a perfectly interlocking spiky skill set, sources have reported. Lucas Fletcher and Ben Espenson, both 30, had their meet-cute in the cleaning supplies aisle...
Mother of autistic daughter excited about all the self-pitying newspaper columns she’ll get out of it
An aspiring Telegraph columnist is “thrilled” that her four-year-old daughter is autistic, due to all the hand-wringing articles she can get out of it about her horror at not getting exactly the child she wanted, throughout the daughter’s teens and even well into her adult...
Hilarious! Autistic woman unable to have moment of emotional connection without undercutting with punchline
An autistic woman is physically incapable of having even a fleeting moment of sincere emotional intimacy without immediately saying something ridiculous to ruin it all, it has been observed. According to disgruntled sources, Ellie Mulligan, 42, followed up her first “I love you” to wife...
“He’s just being polite!” Woman’s autistic superpower is cockblocking herself
A woman has revealed that her autistic superpower is not noticing when a dude is down to bang until it’s 12 years too late and he’s married with three kids and a dachshund. Natasha Weaving, 27, has perfected the art of being entirely oblivious to...
Autistic wedding vows shortened to brisk nod
An autistic couple who can’t bear the physical agony of expressing genuine emotions in front of others have mutually agreed to shorten their wedding vows to a brief nod. Ellie Mulligan, 30, and Jay Chester, 35, are planning to marry later this year in a...
AuDHD man sorry he’s only 45 minutes early
An AuDHD man has apologised profusely for arriving at an event a mere three-quarters of an hour early, it has been revealed. Naveed Azkhat, 28, was invited to the informal gathering at the home of friend, Talia Cohen, 27, with a scheduled start time of...
Whimsical autistic woman lives in constant fear man will write screenplay romanticising her
An autistic woman has reportedly inspired an alarming amount of men to write screenplays about her, just by simply making polite conversation and existing. Lottie Fitzgerald, 27, was deeply shaken after an interaction at her local coffee shop, where a barista described her with ominously...
Boyfriend relegated to sofa, plushies declare victory
A group of stuffed animals have declared victory over their owner’s boyfriend after successfully relegating him to the sofa, sources have reported. The ever-growing collection of plushies owned by 28-year-old Kelsey Dacey, which includes a culturally confusing haggis wearing a sombrero and an anthropomorphic graphing...
You’re welcome! “Bossy” autistic woman has planned your whole life for you
An autistic woman has taken the liberty of sketching out your next few decades, since you were not forthcoming in a recent conversation about future plans, it has been revealed. You may not have noticed that Ellie Mulligan, 35, was being sarcastic when she ended...
Family “ready to forgive you” for meltdown
Your family is reportedly prepared to forgive you after you had a meltdown that greatly inconvenienced them. An official statement from your father on the family group chat ended with “Have you calmed down yet?”, which signifies that he is ready to hear you beg...
