Autistic woman’s crush demon seeks new host
An autistic woman’s crush demon has forced her to begin horrible dating again, it has been confirmed. Kelsey Dacey, 25, who recently had her heart broken by the last mediocre guy she projected an entire personality onto, is not ready to meet someone new –...
“I grieve the loss of my autistic child” says mother of boy stolen by giant squid
A mother is grieving the loss of her son — not because he was dragged to the depths of the ocean by a rare sea creature, but because he had autism. Noah Michaels, 12, was snatched on a boat trip during a family holiday last...
Autistic relationship begins with more complex negotiations than Brexit deal
A new romantic relationship between two autistic people has begun with a round-table summit involving a team of highly paid lawyers and an elaborate set of oddly specific terms, it has been reported. Paige Thomas, 38, and Dexter Livingstone, 45, who are both autistic, decided...
Autistic woman calls in sick to friendship
An autistic woman currently unwell with a summer cold has spent the day apologising to friends for being a bit quieter than usual, it has been rumoured. Pippa Durham, 26, considers her closest friendship to be a full-time job, and dutifully let Alma Montague, 28,...
Becky’s passive-aggressive Instagram story triggers global RSD crisis
A woman’s cryptically narky Instagram story has set off every neurodivergent person in the world’s rejection sensitive dysphoria, the government has confirmed. Becky Armitage, 42, posted the following mysterious rant to the social media platform: “Some people are seriously self-absorbed. Get over yourselves #Toxic.” University...
Meant to be! This dating website matches autistic singles with inevitable sociopath
A new dating website has launched with the aim of pairing lonely autistics with the sociopath that would have eventually sniffed them out anyway. A spokesperson for Unhinge, Graeme Hart, said: “Our process is very simple. You take a quick quiz when you sign up...
Woman who told depressed friend to “reach out” didn’t mean to HER
A woman who told her clinically depressed autistic friend to reach out if she felt bad meant for her to reach out to someone else, it has been confirmed. Karen Hoyland, 38, told Emma Bernard, 34, that she should “talk to someone about these feelings,”...
Helpful mum LOVES commenting on daughter’s eating habits
A mother’s favourite pastime is commenting on her adult autistic daughter’s eating habits “out of concern for her wellbeing,” reports have indicated. Liz Thomas, 54, from Huyton – who was recently heard describing 0% fat soya yogurt as “moreish” – is horrified that her daughter,...
Autistic woman “supporting close friend through hard time” actually thinking of TV character
An autistic woman whose emotional resources have been depleted by “holding space for a loved one” is actually referring to Toadie from the Australian soap opera, Neighbours. Freya Emerson, 33, has become increasingly concerned for Jarrod “Toadfish” Rebecchi since he recently started exhibiting erratic behaviour...
Autistic child refusing to smile simply thinks you’re dull
New evidence has uncovered a possible reason why autistic children don’t grin back at you — they simply think you’re ridiculous. Experts have been monitoring Lottie Fitzgerald, three, who had remained stony faced throughout her parents’ attempts to entertain her. The couple from Congleton, Cheshire,...
