Mouth noises to pervade every agonising moment of group mealtime
The group dinner plan you were looking forward to is going to be dominated by mouth sounds of people you thought you could trust, it has been rumoured. You reportedly had no reason to believe this dinner wouldn’t be perfectly pleasant, but because you’re in...
Autistic woman’s crush behaviour modelled on ’00s R&B music videos
An autistic woman who doesn’t know how to behave around people she is attracted to has resorted to taking cues from lovelorn men in ’00s R&B videos, it has been claimed. Chi-Young Lee, 29, says it is “impossible” to talk to the cute girl from...
Autistic millennial can recite every ’90s TV advert but has no idea what their nephew’s name is
An autistic person who once recorded a three-hour VHS tape of television adverts has realised those adverts are taking up valuable brain space which might be put to better use, like memorising the names of their immediate family, sources have claimed. Jay Chester, 38, expressed...
Autism to remain permanent source of confusion for family who’ve known you your whole life
The people who raised you still don’t have a solitary clue about your autism and will continue to act like their entire world has been shaken whenever you bring it up, according to sources. Your family, all old enough to know better, react with the...
Queer autistic woman’s friendship group has interpersonal dynamics of Fleetwood Mac
A queer autistic woman’s friendship group is as fraught with drama as a Rumors-era Fleetwood Mac, eyewitnesses have claimed. Abeer Zaki, 24, reports having formed close friendships with four other twentysomethings at her local board game café. The five reportedly grew close, although multiple love...
New genealogy website allows users to see which ancestors definitely had ye olde autisme
A new website has launched allowing people who like to collect dead relatives to trace the autism running through their family tree, according to a recent press release. After logging on to YeOldeAutisme.com, users are presented with a digital portfolio of letters, newspaper clippings, census...
Person you undeniably hit it off with at event has no desire to see you ever again
A man you immediately got along famously with at an event is not even going to entertain the possibility of staying in touch, according to eyewitnesses. Ben Espenson, 33, was seated next to you at a pottery workshop, and it was not long before the...
Autistic couple trade off on mutual inability to do household tasks
The world’s only autistic couple with a semi-functional household and a relatively clean set of surfaces have attributed their success to a perfectly interlocking spiky skill set, sources have reported. Lucas Fletcher and Ben Espenson, both 30, had their meet-cute in the cleaning supplies aisle...
Mother of autistic daughter excited about all the self-pitying newspaper columns she’ll get out of it
An aspiring Telegraph columnist is “thrilled” that her four-year-old daughter is autistic, due to all the hand-wringing articles she can get out of it about her horror at not getting exactly the child she wanted, throughout the daughter’s teens and even well into her adult...
Hilarious! Autistic woman unable to have moment of emotional connection without undercutting with punchline
An autistic woman is physically incapable of having even a fleeting moment of sincere emotional intimacy without immediately saying something ridiculous to ruin it all, it has been observed. According to disgruntled sources, Ellie Mulligan, 42, followed up her first “I love you” to wife...