Autistic man dumped after failing to purchase piece of red cardboard
An autistic man has been dumped by his girlfriend after he neglected to buy her a red rectangle of cardboard on February 14th, it has been announced. Dexter Livingstone, 26, who also failed to obtain a bunch of dead plants wrapped in cellophane, or a...
Gift of teddy bear holding giant love heart could honestly mean anything
The gift of a teddy bear holding a massive fuck-off plush heart on Valentine’s Day could honestly be interpreted in a number of ways, according to you. Although you reportedly understand that the bear, a golden-furred little fellow with a squidgy velvet heart stitched to...
Autistic woman’s support network consists of friends doing equally badly
An autistic woman’s social support mostly comes from people who are just as fucked as she is, eyewitnesses have said. Paige Thomas, 29, has reportedly formed a network of people she can lean on in troubled times, despite the fact that they are all as...
Polyamorous AuDHD woman torn between love of partners and hatred of admin
A polyamorous woman with two partners and AuDHD has found herself caught in a constant battle between the deep love and affection she has for her partners, and the equally deep fear and loathing she has for having to do any admin, eyewitnesses have said....
Win friends and influence people! Five of the best pigeon-themed vocal stims
Nothing attracts new friends and lovers quite like sudden and alarming vocal stims. Here are five of our pigeon-themed favourites. Shouting “PIGEON!” Keep it simple, keep it loud. Best done when others are least expecting it. The perfect way to wake up your sweetie when...
“Come ON, man!” Predictive text trying in vain to help autistic guy out
An autistic man’s predictive text is desperately trying to help him bring the banter – or, at the very least, stop him from putting his digital foot in his digital mouth, it has been revealed. Noah Michaels, 26, who recently began online dating, has so...
Autistic couple reluctantly buys third plate to accommodate house guest
An autistic couple who agreed to put their friend up for the night have belatedly realised to their dismay that they will need to buy a third plate, eyewitnesses have revealed. Ffiona Maw, 30, and Dexter Livingstone, 28, were happy to give their friend a...
Autistic woman who finally stood up to family ruined a “perfectly lovely picnic”
An autistic woman who finally stopped taking her family’s crap has ruined a perfectly nice day out, eyewitnesses have claimed. According to sources, nobody was upset before Emma Bernard, 36, expressed how upset she was – and now everything’s uncomfortable and we hope she’s happy....
Autistic person who hates to be touched clings to one chosen individual like they’re made of Velcro®
An autistic person with an intense aversion to human touch nonetheless wishes to be touching one specific human at all times, it has been claimed. Kit McGodden, 39, has spent their life ducking and weaving to avoid hugs at social gatherings. They once feigned uncontrollable...
Comfortable silence reaches sixth glorious hour
Two autistic friends have been sitting on the same sofa together all afternoon without needing to interact with each other in any way, sources have reported. Their comfortable, shared silence has just reached its sixth glorious hour. Talia Cohen, 20, is currently playing a puzzle...
