Autistic detective gets completely distracted by evidence of special interest at crime scene
An autistic detective has managed to completely lose track of the crime she’s supposed to be solving after noticing that she and the victim apparently shared a special interest, it has been revealed. Sarah Harrow, 44, who is usually described as “a completely fixed cannon...
Autistic woman faces intense, silent stare down with reflection during haircut
An autistic woman is preparing herself for upwards of an hour and a half of awkward, unbroken eye contact with her own reflection in order to avoid the even more awkward hour and a half of small talk with her hairdresser, sources have revealed. Due...
Billionaire’s autism not the reason he’s a piece of shit
An autistic billionaire’s neurotype is not the reason he’s an absolute piece of shit, it has been revealed. Robert Noot, 54, frequently uses his autism as a get-out-of-jail-free card to excuse all of the terrible things he says and does, in spite of the actual...
Superpower! Autistic man turns compliment into immaculately crafted criticism
An autistic man has the uncanny ability to turn any compliment into blisteringly cruel criticism, sources have revealed. Ethan Stern, 33, gained his powers of transmutation at an early age, when a friend told him that she liked his hat, which he immediately interpreted as...
Autistic LARPer blissfully unaware he’s at fetish market
An autistic man whose love for live-action roleplay is eclipsed only by his complete lack of situational awareness has spent the last several hours totally unaware of the fact that he’s been wandering around an open-air BDSM market, according to eyewitnesses. Graeme Hart, 36, has...
Autistic horse racing commentator fired for infodumping about horses
An autistic man with a special interest in horses has been fired from his dream job as a horse racing commentator due to not being able to shut up about horses, sources have claimed. Jack Harrington, 29, has reportedly been obsessed with horses for his...
Betrayal! Wiki about autistic man’s special interest written by people who are not sufficiently autistic
An autistic man has been left horrified after looking online for information about his special interest, only to find that the wiki’s editors are clearly nowhere near autistic enough to satisfy his need for detail, eyewitnesses have reported. Wallace Murray, 44, has an interest in...
Autistic woman’s desire for human contact thwarted by existence of humans
An autistic woman longing for human contact has had her hopes repeatedly dashed by the troublesome existence of other humans, it has been revealed. Miya Wilkes, 45, reportedly spends her evenings wishing she could be closer to other people and more involved with their lives,...
Dying autistic man bequeaths precious collection of unread messages to his family
An autistic man nearing the end of his time on Earth has gathered his family around him to pass on his precious collection of unread messages, according to eyewitnesses. Ben Espenson, 89, has lived a long, autistic life, and has made his peace with the...
Last neurotypical who likes Sonic the Hedgehog begins to hear ticking clock
The otherwise calm life of the last “neurotypical” person on the planet to like Sonic the Hedgehog has become increasingly disturbed by the ominous sound of ticking, according to reports. Deborah Whitehead, 39, whose hobbies include playing Sonic the Hedgehog, thinking about playing Sonic the Hedgehog, and...
