It wasn’t meant to be, says autistic woman after 978th failed job interview
An autistic woman emerging from yet another catastrophic job interview has reportedly consoled herself by saying it just wasn’t meant to be – the world of employment, that is. Emma Bernard, 34, from Widnes, came to the realisation after being rejected from yet another admin...
Autistic person ruins special interest by trying to monetise it
An autistic person has managed to suck all the joy out of their special interest by attempting to make money from it, reports have indicated. Jay Chester, 42, has always loved baking as fun, low-pressure hobby, made the inexplicable decision to turn it into a...
Autistic woman tries her luck with “Let’s leave it until after Pancake Day” email
An autistic woman is reportedly hoping her “let’s leave it until after Pancake Day” suggestion will successfully discourage unwanted work requests. Despite having recently returned from Christmas leave, Emma Bernard, 29, from Stockport, is said to be looking forward to “a well-deserved break” over what...
Autistic woman’s best version of herself is The Sims version of herself
An autistic woman has been distraught to discover that the best version of herself only exists within a life-simulation video game, it has been announced. Sarah Harrow, 24, from Nantwich, boasts to prospective employers that she owns three properties, five Birthday Hot Tubs and has...
Fifth exclamation mark successfully compensates for social skills
A fifth exclamation mark has successfully masked an autistic man’s social awkwardness, it has been confirmed. Ryan Wilkins, 34, who struggles to compose work emails without sounding like a regency gentleman challenging a rival to a duel, recently decided that five exclamation points were the...
Kinky! This autistic woman fantasises about earning a living wage
An autistic woman has confessed to frequently fantasising about making enough money to survive, sources have claimed. Certified freak Paige Thomas, 28, becomes extremely aroused whenever she imagines herself in a position of relative financial stability. Her most perverse fantasies include having a roof over...
Outlier! Newly diagnosed autistic woman has no plans to write memoir
A woman who very recently discovered she is autistic has today made the shocking announcement that she has no imminent plans to write an autobiography. Siobhan Moorton, a white middle-class woman who was diagnosed as autistic last month at the age of 30, has defied...
Agoraphobic autistic woman rebrands as mysterious recluse
An autistic woman with a debilitating fear of leaving her house has managed by cultivating a reputation for herself as a notorious recluse, it has been rumoured. Sarah Harrow, 37, who only leaves home to go to the GP or take out the recycling, has...
Miracle! Autistic woman answers “how are you?” and barely mentions explosive poops
An autistic woman whose colleague politely enquired about her well-being has somehow responded without going into traumatic detail about last night’s poop attack, it has been rumoured. Paige Thomas, 32, was greeted by in the usual manner receptionist by Jack Harrington, 26, when she arrived...
New Year’s resolution! Autistic person proposes Meet-Free Mondays
An autistic person has confirmed their New Year’s resolution is adopting “Meet-Free Mondays”, according to reports. Jay Chester, 34, from Preston, said: “I’ve gave up eating animals ages ago. This is about me enjoying my Richmond meat-free sausages in a solitary space where nobody else...
