A skilled writer who accepted a prestigious award last night spent the duration of her acceptance speech alternately saying sorry to the rest of the nominees and outright berating herself, sources report. 

Paige Thomas, 28, took to the stage to accept her award for Best Short Story We’re 97% Sure Wasn’t Vommed Out By a Robot and proceeded to apologise profusely to her competitors for depriving them of the win. 

In the faltering speech lasting almost 10 minutes, Thomas stated: “I am just so embarrassed that I have denied the rest of you this award by selfishly winning it. Stupid, stupid Paige! I’m mortified to be hogging the limelight like this, which is just typical of me for being appalling and self-centred. And now I’m talking about myself! Arg, cringe.”

She continued: “I just don’t deserve this award. My competitors were all so fantastic. I mean, Krista, your work was exceptional; Abeer, yours was magnificent; Jean yours, I- erm. But that dress is … well.”

A flushed-looking Thomas also apologised to the awarding committee for having made them read her work, the presenter for making them read out her name, and everyone listening to the “stupid, ridiculous” words she was presently saying. 

Awards presenter Luca Mignon, 41, explained: “We had to start wrapping it up when Paige suggested she deserved to be removed from the premises and chucked in the river.” 

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