Family “ready to forgive you” for meltdown
Your family is reportedly prepared to forgive you after you had a meltdown that greatly inconvenienced them. An official statement from your father on the family group chat ended with “Have you calmed down yet?”, which signifies that he is ready to hear you beg...
Dying autistic man bequeaths precious collection of unread messages to his family
An autistic man nearing the end of his time on Earth has gathered his family around him to pass on his precious collection of unread messages, according to eyewitnesses. Ben Espenson, 89, has lived a long, autistic life, and has made his peace with the...
“So nice of you to finally join us” guarantees autistic teen will never be seen again
An autistic boy who was greeted by his family with a sarcastic “so nice of you to finally join us” is reportedly planning to spend the rest of his adolescence barricaded in his room. 15-year-old Naveed Azkhat thought he’d pop downstairs after catching a promising...
Help! Parents running out of euphemisms for undiagnosed autistic child
A couple are becoming increasingly unhinged in the language that they use to describe their daughter, who is obviously autistic but must never, ever, ever be named as such, according to sources. Becky and Lloyd Didcot, 39 and 41, feel that an autism diagnosis carries...
Hell yeah! Undiagnosed parents really killing it with the casual ableism lately
An autistic woman’s undiagnosed parents have really been smashing the internalised-ableism-fuelled microaggressions lately, sources have said. Mary Moorton, 60, has reportedly been incredible at asking 30-year-old daughter Siobhan whether she’ll be able to cope “with the big wide world” even though she can’t touch dirty...
Autistic woman who finally stood up to family ruined a “perfectly lovely picnic”
An autistic woman who finally stopped taking her family’s crap has ruined a perfectly nice day out, eyewitnesses have claimed. According to sources, nobody was upset before Emma Bernard, 36, expressed how upset she was – and now everything’s uncomfortable and we hope she’s happy....
Christmas miracle! Autistic woman’s family falling-out might be for good this time
An autistic woman may, thankfully, never have to speak to her family again after an especially juicy festive falling-out, according to sources. A perfect storm of births, deaths and marriages has meant that 34-year-old Ellie Mulligan’s family has reached a critical mass of gay siblings,...
Coded message? Relative buys gifts for the person she wishes you were
Your auntie Deborah has, once again, bought you a present featuring all the overly aggressive markers of femininity, despite the fact she’s met you on several occasions and – crucially – has eyes. You, 26, have never shown any interest in personal grooming, and approach...
Pahahaha! Autistic woman thinks she’s going to rise above family drama this Christmas
An autistic woman really, truly, honestly believes she’s going to stay out of whatever fuckery her family pulls this Christmas, it has been rumoured. Siobhan Moorton, 42, has done all the therapy and inner-child work and is confident that nothing her family says or does...
Autistic child prodigy absolutely dunking on his talentless sister
An autistic child prodigy has successfully learned six languages, commenced his studies at NASA and inspired middle-aged Facebook aunts everywhere – and totally owned his comparatively mediocre sister, sources have said. Parents Karen and Robert Hapworth, had reportedly dreamed of having a little prodigy to...
