Mortified autistic award winner spends entire speech apologising to her competitors
A skilled writer who accepted a prestigious award last night spent the duration of her acceptance speech alternately saying sorry to the rest of the nominees and outright berating herself, sources report. Paige Thomas, 28, took to the stage to accept her award for Best...
Innovative! Sci-fi series creates yet another species of autistic-coded aliens
Beloved long-running adventure series Celestial Stroll is to introduce its 14th autistic-coded alien species, its creators revealed at a convention this weekend. Head writer Jack Harrington, 52, told excited fans: “We are delighted to introduce new species ‘the Autisticons’! We’re going to follow a young...
AuDHD woman at gig who can’t remember lyrics really is artist’s biggest fan
An AuDHD woman at a gig reportedly singing along to about a third of the songs, if she’s lucky, genuinely does listen to the artist’s music all the time, it has been insisted. Emma Bernard, 24, who can reportedly “sort of dip in and out...
Autism assessments outsourced to Sir Mix-a-Lot
Following recent headlines suggesting that a prominent backside may be a sign of neurodivergence, the world’s leading expert on prominent backsides has agreed to become an autism assessor, according to reports. Sir Mix-a-Lot, 62, one of the only celebrities not to have a Controversies section...
The Woman in Black? Autistic goth unwittingly scares bejeezus out of Daniel Radcliffe
The actor Daniel Radcliffe has reportedly had the ever-living shite scared out of him by a mysterious woman in black who turned out to be an autistic goth minding her own business. Paige Thomas, 28, who was waiting for the 11.15 train to Riddlesdown when...
Autistic Jack Torrance goes crazy due to all play and no work
An autistic writer has become severely mentally unwell, as the peaceful, quiet, work environment he was promised has turned out to be an overstimulating social whirl which has prevented him from getting any work done on his manuscript. Jack Torrance, 30, a former teacher turned...
Audiences baffled as TV detective not even a little bit autistic
Crime drama fans have been left bewildered by Channel 4’s latest offering, which features a sleuth protagonist so neurotypical that he is completely unrecognisable as a detective, critics have claimed. Hart of the Matter stars Noah Michaels as Detective Inspector Graeme Hart. Hart describes himself...
Breaking: DSM-5 hastily updated to account for Gregg Wallace’s underpants
In breaking news, the DSM-5 has been updated in the last 24 hours to include plausible deniability for Gregg Wallace, specifically. The manual, used by psychologists to diagnose a range of conditions and neurodivergences, previously mentioned that autistic people can experience sensory issues – but...
Autistic woman works out who all the characters are just in time for season finale
An autistic woman has finally worked out who all the characters in a new TV show are, just in time for the season to reach its conclusion, sources have claimed. Miya Wilkes, 30, who spent the first five episodes of a generic courtroom drama trying...
Cat records chart-topping album of autistic owner’s little songs
A cat has become one of the world’s best-selling musical artists overnight, after secretly recording his owner while she sang about him. Marmaduke, six, is reported to have been the subject of near constant vocal stimming by Ellie Mulligan, 32. In response, Marmaduke concealed a...
