Autistic man “doing a silly bit” accidentally becomes professor of criminology
An autistic man has recently been promoted to professor of criminology at a prestigious university as a result of his ongoing commitment to what he describes as a “funny little autistic joke”, sources have revealed. Ethan Stern, 37, was appointed to the position at the…
Autistic woman’s support network consists of friends doing equally badly
An autistic woman’s social support mostly comes from people who are just as fucked as she is, eyewitnesses have said. Paige Thomas, 29, has reportedly formed a network of people she can lean on in troubled times, despite the fact that they are all as...
It has pockets! Autistic woman’s clothes contain no keys or phone but plenty of tiny knitted rabbits
An autistic woman has chosen to fill the pockets of her new skirt with whimsical little oddities while continuing to lose all the items that she actually needs, sources have claimed. Megan Aldrich, 33, was reportedly delighted to discover that her latest Vinted purchase had...
Polyamorous AuDHD woman torn between love of partners and hatred of admin
A polyamorous woman with two partners and AuDHD has found herself caught in a constant battle between the deep love and affection she has for her partners, and the equally deep fear and loathing she has for having to do any admin, eyewitnesses have said....
Quittin’ time! AuDHD person’s 24-hour life overhaul ruined before 9am
An AuDHD person who planned to change their entire life in a day has already ruined it with a single deviation from their vision, it has been rumoured. Des Ackerman, 40, was reportedly finally ready to clean their entire house, send the incredibly low-stakes texts...
Autistic woman experiencing pain-free five minutes growing suspicious
An autistic woman who has gone five minutes without any aches or pains is reportedly beginning to worry that something is deeply and mortally wrong. Siobhan Moorton, 23, almost always has some part of her body hurting thanks to a horrifying smorgasbord of comorbidities. However,...
Astronomers gather for once-in-a-lifetime glimpse of autistic woman sitting normally
Astronomers have gathered for a rare cosmic event – an autistic woman using a chair as intended, it has been reported. Ffiona Maw, 44, has rarely sat upright in a chair with her feet on the floor, instead hunching and twisting into the shape of...
Useless child with autism refuses to be monetised
A child with autism has selfishly refused to cooperate with his parents’ social media aspirations, according to them. Finley Rice, seven, reportedly ceases to do anything remotely interesting the second mum Karen Rice, 38, starts filming, thwarting his family’s efforts to monetise his autism. Karen...
Autistic woman who reads news still somehow thinks she’s the worst person on Earth
An autistic woman who stays up to date with current affairs still remains convinced that she’s worse than anyone in the world, sources have reported. Navya Randhawa, 40, keeps abreast of the horror show that is the present-day news cycle, and regularly reads about the...
Win friends and influence people! Five of the best pigeon-themed vocal stims
Nothing attracts new friends and lovers quite like sudden and alarming vocal stims. Here are five of our pigeon-themed favourites. Shouting “PIGEON!” Keep it simple, keep it loud. Best done when others are least expecting it. The perfect way to wake up your sweetie when...
Calling out queue jumper broadly similar to The Somme
The experience of telling off a person for trying to cut the queue at a theme park is generally similar to the horrors of the wholesale mass slaughter of young working-class men during The Battle of the Somme, sources have revealed. Lottie Fitzgerald, 35, an...
Reverse lie-in? Autistic woman goes to bed so early it’s still last week
An autistic woman who loves her bed with the ardour usually reserved for a new romantic partner has accidentally broken the concept of time, scientists have revealed. Siobhan Moorton, 35, has always been tucked up in her jammies with a mug of cocoa by 9pm,...
“Come ON, man!” Predictive text trying in vain to help autistic guy out
An autistic man’s predictive text is desperately trying to help him bring the banter – or, at the very least, stop him from putting his digital foot in his digital mouth, it has been revealed. Noah Michaels, 26, who recently began online dating, has so...
