Autistic woman experiencing pain-free five minutes growing suspicious
An autistic woman who has gone five minutes without any aches or pains is reportedly beginning to worry that something is deeply and mortally wrong. Siobhan Moorton, 23, almost always has some part of her body hurting thanks to a horrifying smorgasbord of comorbidities. However,…
Astronomers gather for once-in-a-lifetime glimpse of autistic woman sitting normally
Astronomers have gathered for a rare cosmic event – an autistic woman using a chair as intended, it has been reported. Ffiona Maw, 44, has rarely sat upright in a chair with her feet on the floor, instead hunching and twisting into the shape of...
Useless child with autism refuses to be monetised
A child with autism has selfishly refused to cooperate with his parents’ social media aspirations, according to them. Finley Rice, seven, reportedly ceases to do anything remotely interesting the second mum Karen Rice, 38, starts filming, thwarting his family’s efforts to monetise his autism. Karen...
Autistic woman who reads news still somehow thinks she’s the worst person on Earth
An autistic woman who stays up to date with current affairs still remains convinced that she’s worse than anyone in the world, sources have reported. Navya Randhawa, 40, keeps abreast of the horror show that is the present-day news cycle, and regularly reads about the...
Win friends and influence people! Five of the best pigeon-themed vocal stims
Nothing attracts new friends and lovers quite like sudden and alarming vocal stims. Here are five of our pigeon-themed favourites. Shouting “PIGEON!” Keep it simple, keep it loud. Best done when others are least expecting it. The perfect way to wake up your sweetie when...
Calling out queue jumper broadly similar to The Somme
The experience of telling off a person for trying to cut the queue at a theme park is generally similar to the horrors of the wholesale mass slaughter of young working-class men during The Battle of the Somme, sources have revealed. Lottie Fitzgerald, 35, an...
Reverse lie-in? Autistic woman goes to bed so early it’s still last week
An autistic woman who loves her bed with the ardour usually reserved for a new romantic partner has accidentally broken the concept of time, scientists have revealed. Siobhan Moorton, 35, has always been tucked up in her jammies with a mug of cocoa by 9pm,...
“Come ON, man!” Predictive text trying in vain to help autistic guy out
An autistic man’s predictive text is desperately trying to help him bring the banter – or, at the very least, stop him from putting his digital foot in his digital mouth, it has been revealed. Noah Michaels, 26, who recently began online dating, has so...
Autistic woman desperately trying to turn off immense sexual magnetism
An autistic woman who attracts potential suitors without trying is desperately trying to figure out why so she can put a stop to it, sources have said. Abeer Zaki, 42, has reportedly never flirted in her life, and even considers herself mildly off-putting, but appears...
Autistic woman’s mental wellbeing held together by video game she has memorised entirely
An autistic woman attributes the bulk of her mental wellbeing to the violent video game she knows back to front, it has been reported. Ima Onwugbenu, 28, has been playing Wild West action-adventure Yeehaw Retribution 3 for longer than some people’s marriages last, but still...
Autistic couple reluctantly buys third plate to accommodate house guest
An autistic couple who agreed to put their friend up for the night have belatedly realised to their dismay that they will need to buy a third plate, eyewitnesses have revealed. Ffiona Maw, 30, and Dexter Livingstone, 28, were happy to give their friend a...
AuDHD woman’s new job about to be really interesting for three days
An AuDHD woman is about to devote all of her passion and enthusiasm to her new job – but only for the next 72 hours, it has been reported. Talia Cohen, 36, announced on LinkedIn that she was “delighted” to be starting a new role...
AuDHD woman’s memory limited to your deepest traumas and darkest fantasies
An AuDHD woman reportedly has an unnervingly selective memory for all the things you would rather she forgot. Alma Montague, 49, really was trying to listen while you told her about your day, but the only thing her brain has allowed her to hold onto...
