Billionaire’s autism not the reason he’s a piece of shit
An autistic billionaire’s neurotype is not the reason he’s an absolute piece of shit, it has been revealed. Robert Noot, 54, frequently uses his autism as a get-out-of-jail-free card to excuse all of the terrible things he says and does, in spite of the actual…
Scam alert! Nothing less believable than autistic woman telling God’s honest truth
An autistic woman so compulsively honest she has never skipped through a single ‘Terms and Conditions’ been universally condemned as an outrageous liar, according to sources. Niamh Callaghan, 40, who once farted in a lift and immediately announced, “I’m so sorry, that was me,” finds...
Autistic woman threatened with “the help she needs”
A newly diagnosed autistic woman has been subjected to vile threats of “help” and “support” from other people, according to sources. Miya Wilkes, 23, has reportedly been met with intimidating warnings like “You’ll finally get the help you need!” after telling others about her recent...
Tabletop role-playing game more accommodating than every job you’ve ever had
A tabletop role-playing game lovingly hosted by a nerd you met on the Internet is reportedly more accommodating of your needs than any Disability Confident employer you’ve ever had. Yuichi Suzuki, 34, began your group game of Swords ‘n’ Sages with an in-depth explanation of...
“Permanent sense of self” autistic woman’s favourite mythical creature
An autistic woman has announced that a “permanent sense of self” is the most fantastical and intriguing mythical creature she’s ever heard of. After hearing about it in conversation, Megan Aldrich, 30, has declared the beast “significantly less believable, but even more fuckable, than a...
Doctor immobile for ten days, unable to choose between fatphobia and ableism
A doctor has been unable to move for ten days straight after encountering a patient who is both fat and autistic. Dr. Lloyd Didcot, 57, was about to tell Ben Espenson, 32, that the only treatment for his ear infection would be for him to...
Other shoe taking suspiciously long time to drop
An autistic woman reportedly really enjoying life at the moment is nonetheless growing increasingly suspicious that nothing glaringly bad has happened in a while. Liz McHodge, 68, says she “cannot complain” about the current state of her life, but having nothing to complain about is...
Superpower! Autistic man turns compliment into immaculately crafted criticism
An autistic man has the uncanny ability to turn any compliment into blisteringly cruel criticism, sources have revealed. Ethan Stern, 33, gained his powers of transmutation at an early age, when a friend told him that she liked his hat, which he immediately interpreted as...
Finally! Online translation services add Neurotypical to languages on offer
Websites that translate text from one language to another will enable emails and instant messages from neurotypical people to be converted into a less obscure format, reports have confirmed. According to linguistics expert Dr. Jay Chester, who helped to create the innovative new tool, site...
Autistic woman plans, fatigue laughs
An autistic woman with a busy week ahead of her has forgotten that her fatigue will always win in the end, sources have said. Megan Aldrich, 37, is “absolutely certain” she isn’t asking too much of herself this week – the thought of bouncing between...
“Noise-sensitive” autistic woman comforted by loud shouty songs about death and destroying the government
A “noise-sensitive” autistic woman is reportedly soothed and comforted by angry music about hating your parents, the government, and being born. Navya Randhawa, 29, says that two conversations going on in the background at once is intolerable, but blasting American Idiot directly at her eardrums...
Autistic woman somehow flunks getting her nails done
An autistic woman has managed to screw up sitting still while someone else does her nails, eyewitnesses have claimed. Simran Khalsa, 32, decided she was worth more than the DIY hack-job she does on her nails and booked into a nail salon for a manicure....
Autistic LARPer blissfully unaware he’s at fetish market
An autistic man whose love for live-action roleplay is eclipsed only by his complete lack of situational awareness has spent the last several hours totally unaware of the fact that he’s been wandering around an open-air BDSM market, according to eyewitnesses. Graeme Hart, 36, has...
