“I’m actually pretty chill” says autistic woman poised like praying mantis
An autistic woman who likes to think of herself as “quite zen” regularly sits like a praying mantis, according to sources. Beth Hapworth, 28, from Northwich, is reportedly incapable of putting her feet on the floor or her arms by her sides at any given…
Autistic woman’s crush demon seeks new host
An autistic woman’s crush demon has forced her to begin horrible dating again, it has been confirmed. Kelsey Dacey, 25, who recently had her heart broken by the last mediocre guy she projected an entire personality onto, is not ready to meet someone new –...
Most dramatic fortnight of women’s life coincides with therapist’s annual leave
An autistic woman has been left “shocked and upset” that her Extremely Difficult Time has conflicted with her therapist’s yearly holiday to Greece, it has been rumoured. Despite having answered “fine” when she was asked about her how her week had been in her most...
Psychologists to screen autistic patients for comorbid imposter syndrome
Anyone receiving an autism diagnosis will automatically be referred to be assessed for imposter syndrome, it has been confirmed. The move comes following a campaign from autistic activist, Paige Thomas, 34, whose own suspected imposter syndrome is still undiagnosed. She said: “I just felt it...
Autistic woman broken by city break
An autistic woman who holidayed in Paris last week is desperately trying to recuperate, it has been revealed. Sarah Harrow, 31, from Oldham, took seven days off work to go for a holiday – and now immensely regrets the decision. “I wish I’d just stayed...
Autistic woman ordering cheese pizza at Italian restaurant clarifies she isn’t xenophobic
A woman who visited an Italian pizzeria felt the urge to stand up and clarify that she isn’t harbouring xenophobic beliefs, eyewitnesses have reported. Freya Emerson, 25, politely ordered a 10” pizza with tomato sauce and cheese at Zizzi in Castlefield — but was anxious...
36-year-old woman actually 7543 in autistic years
An autistic woman whose birth certificate claims she is 36 is actually several thousand years old in autistic years, researchers have discovered. Olivia Buckingham, 7543, reportedly experiences time in what scientists are calling an “eternal relentless slog continuum”. Expert Dr. Graeme Hart explained: “Olivia was...
Good one! This autistic woman still thinks she’s being asked out for a joke
Despite having left primary school nearly two decades ago, an autistic woman still believes prospective partners are only pretending to be interested in her romantically. Paige Thomas, 28, from Winsford, suspects every potential date must be really dedicating themselves to the bit by establishing intense...
This woman soothes herself to sleep by looking up unsolved murders
An autistic woman has discovered a new remedy for her chronic insomnia – by looking up unsolved murder cases, it has been reported. Alma Montague, 24, from Chester, said: “I tried lavender oil, milky drinks and meditation. None of it worked. But there, in the...
Autistic man concentrating so hard on listening he can’t hear a single fucking word you’re saying
An autistic man is so busy nodding earnestly at everything you’re saying that he actually hasn’t processed a single word, it has been confirmed. Eddie Albington, 34 – who has been told many times that he doesn’t appear to be listening – now overcompensates by...
“Is it my period?” wonders woman who is clinically insane regardless
A woman considered generally unstable at the best of times is wondering whether her period might be to blame, according to reports. Ellie Mulligan, 31, from Prestwich, insists her mood fluctuations are related to a specific phase of her menstrual cycle – despite being objectively...
Attractive autistic woman convinced she’s disgusting little bin monster
An autistic woman who many, many, many people find attractive cannot conceive of a reality in which she’s not a stupid little sewer goblin, it has been announced. Paige Thomas, 29, who has attracted many partners of all genders and even more admirers, has said...
“I grieve the loss of my autistic child” says mother of boy stolen by giant squid
A mother is grieving the loss of her son — not because he was dragged to the depths of the ocean by a rare sea creature, but because he had autism. Noah Michaels, 12, was snatched on a boat trip during a family holiday last...
