BREAKING: Other people don’t feel sick before leaving the house
An investigation by The Daily Tism has found that other people do not feel genuinely and profoundly sick at the thought of having to go out. According to our sources, suddenly feeling ill before you have to embark on plans you made is rarely experienced…
Help! Parents running out of euphemisms for undiagnosed autistic child
A couple are becoming increasingly unhinged in the language that they use to describe their daughter, who is obviously autistic but must never, ever, ever be named as such, according to sources. Becky and Lloyd Didcot, 39 and 41, feel that an autism diagnosis carries...
Women in male fields! This female autism researcher hates women
A prominent autism researcher has reportedly proven she can shit on autistic women as well as any man in the field. In a recent interview, Professor Karen Hoyland argued that women who claim to be autistic are just angling for a diagnosis, since researchers like...
Mental simulations of people getting angry at you bound to pay off any day now
Mentally rehearsing arguments that will never happen is sure to serve you well at some point, sources have claimed. Your brain has reportedly acted as an arena for a never-ending series of hypothetical conflicts since you were young. In nearly every case, your imaginary sparring...
Efficient! AuDHD man’s daily task list includes carefully planned five-minute scream
An AuDHD man attempting to keep on top of the constant demands of his busy life by tracking tasks has expanded his to-do list to include blood-curdling screams at the horror of it all, sources have reported. Paul Shinter, 45, recently made the decision to...
Self-esteem a “slippery slope”, decides autistic woman’s subconscious
Having even the tiniest taste of positive self-regard is a gateway drug to monstrous narcissism, an autistic woman’s subconscious has claimed. Lottie Fitzgerald, 28, is doing all the requisite therapeutic work to build her confidence, but is constantly undermined by a horrid cackling morality-OCD gremlin...
Chic! Autistic woman’s autumn/winter runny nose seamlessly replaced by spring/summer runny nose
An autistic woman has been labelled a “trendsetter” after demonstrating how to seamlessly switch from a cold-weather runny nose to a hot-weather runny nose, it has been reported. Mary Walker, 43, believes that perpetually-drippy noses are a timeless classic, best paired with a nasty crumpled-up...
Pick your battles! Autistic person struggling to narrow it down, to be honest
An autistic person who vowed to pick their battles is reportedly frozen with indecision over which of their many important battles to let go of. Des Ackerman, 30, has spent their entire life fighting all the good fights, only to be now be told to...
Explained! How to move countries and take on new identity after autistic joke gets taken seriously
We’ve all been there. Whom amongst us has not made a little joke for a bit of fun, and then looked on in horror as it was taken seriously, frozen in silent dread as the realisation hits that the person you are talking to now...
Autistic mum fine with breastfeeding in public just likes hiding in cupboard
An autistic mum is happy to breastfeed while out and about, but even happier not to be out and about in the first place, sources have revealed. Krista Shure, 32, believes passionately in a parent’s right to breastfeed wherever and whenever is most comfortable, and...
Autistic woman’s health issues playing delicate game of Buckaroo
An autistic woman with a complex set of health conditions is idly wondering which of them will cause a catastrophic, cascading failure like the one in a popular children’s game, sources report. Alma Montague, 37, has a lovely catchup planned with a friend, but does...
AuDHDer outnerded by people who actually remember the things they read
An auDHD person has reportedly been well and truly outnerded just because their fellow nerds can actually retain tiny details like plot and character. Kit McGodden, 34, loves all things fantasy, but their autistic desire to know everything about their favourite books, films and games...
Everything that makes autistic woman happy terrible for her gut
Every single thing an autistic woman loves is turning her gut microbiome into a Mad Max-style wasteland, it has been reported. Tricia Squire, 37, allegedly loves spicy food, reclining after dinner like a Roman emperor, and sipping cold coffee for hydration when she’s forgotten to...
