Superpower! Autistic man turns compliment into immaculately crafted criticism
An autistic man has the uncanny ability to turn any compliment into blisteringly cruel criticism, sources have revealed. Ethan Stern, 33, gained his powers of transmutation at an early age, when a friend told him that she liked his hat, which he immediately interpreted as…
Finally! Online translation services add Neurotypical to languages on offer
Websites that translate text from one language to another will enable emails and instant messages from neurotypical people to be converted into a less obscure format, reports have confirmed. According to linguistics expert Dr. Jay Chester, who helped to create the innovative new tool, site...
Autistic woman plans, fatigue laughs
An autistic woman with a busy week ahead of her has forgotten that her fatigue will always win in the end, sources have said. Megan Aldrich, 37, is “absolutely certain” she isn’t asking too much of herself this week – the thought of bouncing between...
“Noise-sensitive” autistic woman comforted by loud shouty songs about death and destroying the government
A “noise-sensitive” autistic woman is reportedly soothed and comforted by angry music about hating your parents, the government, and being born. Navya Randhawa, 29, says that two conversations going on in the background at once is intolerable, but blasting American Idiot directly at her eardrums...
Autistic woman somehow flunks getting her nails done
An autistic woman has managed to screw up sitting still while someone else does her nails, eyewitnesses have claimed. Simran Khalsa, 32, decided she was worth more than the DIY hack-job she does on her nails and booked into a nail salon for a manicure....
Autistic LARPer blissfully unaware he’s at fetish market
An autistic man whose love for live-action roleplay is eclipsed only by his complete lack of situational awareness has spent the last several hours totally unaware of the fact that he’s been wandering around an open-air BDSM market, according to eyewitnesses. Graeme Hart, 36, has...
Autistic woman experiences rare glimpse of feeling like human being
An autistic woman has, for the first time in her life, experienced a fleeting taste of what it would be like to be an actual human person, it has been reported. Beth Hapworth, 20, became aware that she might be as real as everyone else...
Autistic woman who yearns for the sword scared of her kitchen knives
An autistic woman who longs to be a sword-wielding fantasy heroine is afraid to use the normal knives in her kitchen, it has been rumoured. Olivia Buckingham, 40, reportedly daydreams about being a noble paladin with an enchanted longsword, but said dreams are regularly tested...
Autistic woman tells right joke to the wrong audience
An autistic woman who told an off-colour joke at a family dinner has belatedly realised her relatives were entirely the wrong crowd, it has been reported. Mandeep Kaur, 29, reportedly made a quip about her own singledom, saying: “At this point, I don’t care whether...
Asian AuDHDer doomed to forget masala chai on stove
An AuDHD woman has still not learned her lesson about getting distracted and letting her masala chai explode all over the cooker, according to her ancestors. Sabeen Bhatt, 38, has been making her own chai ever since her grandmother got weirdly gatekeepy about the recipe...
Autistic horse racing commentator fired for infodumping about horses
An autistic man with a special interest in horses has been fired from his dream job as a horse racing commentator due to not being able to shut up about horses, sources have claimed. Jack Harrington, 29, has reportedly been obsessed with horses for his...
AuDHD man sorry he’s only 45 minutes early
An AuDHD man has apologised profusely for arriving at an event a mere three-quarters of an hour early, it has been revealed. Naveed Azkhat, 28, was invited to the informal gathering at the home of friend, Talia Cohen, 27, with a scheduled start time of...
I thought I was neurotypical. It turns out I just really like shopping at Uniqlo.
Allow me to reintroduce myself. My name is Sarah, and this whole time I thought I was neurotypical, it turns out I just really like that nice linen-blend neutral shit they do at Uniqlo. Every time I used to walk through the doors of the...
