Crisis! No one around for squeezy hug
An autistic woman has been left in a state of emergency after no one was around to hug her until her eyes popped out of her head, according to sources. Merve Öztürk, 34, reportedly experienced a wave of overwhelm while trying to defrost her freezer,…
New Autistic Trading Standards Agency to force ads to cut the shit
Adverts, best known as the noisy flashing events filled with lies which you habitually mute between television programs, are due to experience a massive overhaul by the new Autistic Trading Standards Agency (ATSA), sources have revealed. Inaugural head of the ATSA, Niamh Callaghan, 41, confirmed...
Autistic woman faces intense, silent stare down with reflection during haircut
An autistic woman is preparing herself for upwards of an hour and a half of awkward, unbroken eye contact with her own reflection in order to avoid the even more awkward hour and a half of small talk with her hairdresser, sources have revealed. Due...
No one ever died wondering what this autistic woman was thinking
An autistic woman known for saying the quiet part really fucking loudly has never left anyone in doubt as to what she really thinks, feels or low-key wants to pummel, sources have claimed. Emma Bernard, 32, leaves nothing left unsaid, which, rather than leaving her...
Fidget toys not helping, says autistic woman who never uses them
An autistic woman has reportedly been left disappointed by the fidget toys she hasn’t touched since buying them. Talia Cohen, 34, says she derived great relief from the numerous Tangles, fidget spinners and acupressure rings she splurged on after her diagnosis, but was frustrated to...
Autistic woman issues statement denying claims she’s a decent person
An autistic woman has issued a public statement putting an end to rumours that she’s a pretty okay guy in the grand scheme of things. Olivia Buckingham, 24, denied in the strongest possible terms that she was a “good egg”, a claim made by friend...
Autistic woman fails to nail mind-reading portion of job interview
An autistic woman at a job interview has failed to guess what her prospective employers are secretly looking for, according to the panel. Krista Shure, 27, says she thoroughly researched the paper company she was interviewing for, and took pains to practice answering questions without...
“He’s just being polite!” Woman’s autistic superpower is cockblocking herself
A woman has revealed that her autistic superpower is not noticing when a dude is down to bang until it’s 12 years too late and he’s married with three kids and a dachshund. Natasha Weaving, 27, has perfected the art of being entirely oblivious to...
Autistic wedding vows shortened to brisk nod
An autistic couple who can’t bear the physical agony of expressing genuine emotions in front of others have mutually agreed to shorten their wedding vows to a brief nod. Ellie Mulligan, 30, and Jay Chester, 35, are planning to marry later this year in a...
Autistic woman’s PMDD making some good points, actually
An autistic woman’s PMDD-fuelled inner monologue is actually making some really salient points this month, according to sources. Chi-Young Lee, 26, usually knows to tune out the raging, emotionally volatile voice in her head that surfaces during her luteal phase, but this time around she...
Billionaire’s autism not the reason he’s a piece of shit
An autistic billionaire’s neurotype is not the reason he’s an absolute piece of shit, it has been revealed. Robert Noot, 54, frequently uses his autism as a get-out-of-jail-free card to excuse all of the terrible things he says and does, in spite of the actual...
Scam alert! Nothing less believable than autistic woman telling God’s honest truth
An autistic woman so compulsively honest she has never skipped through a single ‘Terms and Conditions’ been universally condemned as an outrageous liar, according to sources. Niamh Callaghan, 40, who once farted in a lift and immediately announced, “I’m so sorry, that was me,” finds...
Autistic woman threatened with “the help she needs”
A newly diagnosed autistic woman has been subjected to vile threats of “help” and “support” from other people, according to sources. Miya Wilkes, 23, has reportedly been met with intimidating warnings like “You’ll finally get the help you need!” after telling others about her recent...
