Autistics propose menstrual amnesty during heatwave
An autistic lobbying group has called for all uteri to pause hostilities while heatwave conditions continue, it has been reported. The group, known as For Uterine Calm Knowing it’s Sweltering, Awful and Kafkaesque Everywhere (FUCKSAKE), is advocating for a temporary blanket ban on any and…
Innovative! Sci-fi series creates yet another species of autistic-coded aliens
Beloved long-running adventure series Celestial Stroll is to introduce its 14th autistic-coded alien species, its creators revealed at a convention this weekend. Head writer Jack Harrington, 52, told excited fans: “We are delighted to introduce new species ‘the Autisticons’! We’re going to follow a young...
Autistic woman due for sudden attack of The Sadness for no discernible reason
An autistic woman in an Entirely Fine period of her life is reportedly about to be hit with a profound wave of melancholy, just because. Noriko Hamazaki, 38, bounced out of bed after a restful sleep, threw on her comfortable dungarees and cycled to her...
Mother of autistic daughter excited about all the self-pitying newspaper columns she’ll get out of it
An aspiring Telegraph columnist is “thrilled” that her four-year-old daughter is autistic, due to all the hand-wringing articles she can get out of it about her horror at not getting exactly the child she wanted, throughout the daughter’s teens and even well into her adult...
Autistic woman beginning to think of favourite clothing brand as friend
An autistic woman has somehow managed to form a parasocial relationship with her favourite clothes shop, it has been noted. Ellie Mulligan, 39, who spends every penny of her meagre disposable income at online boutique Little Lies, has reportedly anthropomorphised the shop to the point...
Autistic message ends text chain forever
An autistic person’s seemingly inoffensive text message has caused the recipient to stop replying altogether, it has been reported. Des Ackerman, 19, was chatting to new friend Alma Montague, 20, about improv when they sent a message that spelled the end of the conversation, and...
Workplace autism awareness day triggers workplace autism self-awareness day
A well-meaning corporate autism awareness day has had the unintended effect of triggering an extended bout of self-awareness in an autistic staff member, according to sources. Graeme Hart, 36, thought he was turning up for a normal workday, only to be bundled into a meeting...
Autistic woman successfully performs womanhood long enough to be complimented by another woman
An autistic woman has succeeded in projecting the image of a regular adult lady just long enough to earn the admiration of an actual regular adult lady, sources have claimed. Tricia Squire, 36, managed to style her bridesmaid’s dress in a way that made it...
Jackpot! AuDHD woman thinks she’s found natural gap to interject in conversation
An AuDHD woman believes she has finally found the right opening to join a group conversation, according to sources. Sarah Harrow, 24, has been awkwardly skirting the fringes of a lively group chatting at a party, but has just lined up a pithy reply to...
White autistic boy trying to play with his trains keeps being photographed for stock image library
An autistic boy who just wants to play with his train set keeps being snapped by a photographer for a stock image library, sources have revealed. Finley Rice, six, has been carefully trying to recreate all of Sodor’s railway lines on the floor of his...
Nana! This autistic teen only likes things intended for the elderly
An autistic teenager has been described not just as an “old soul” but a positively geriatric one, reports have confirmed. Lottie Fitzgerald, 16, feels that people who post “granny chic” on social media are a bunch of amateurs who wouldn’t know a Teasmade if it...
Autistic detective gets completely distracted by evidence of special interest at crime scene
An autistic detective has managed to completely lose track of the crime she’s supposed to be solving after noticing that she and the victim apparently shared a special interest, it has been revealed. Sarah Harrow, 44, who is usually described as “a completely fixed cannon...
Hilarious! Autistic woman unable to have moment of emotional connection without undercutting with punchline
An autistic woman is physically incapable of having even a fleeting moment of sincere emotional intimacy without immediately saying something ridiculous to ruin it all, it has been observed. According to disgruntled sources, Ellie Mulligan, 42, followed up her first “I love you” to wife...
