Autistic woman’s emotional support animal just reptile who doesn’t give a fuck about her
An autistic woman’s so-called “emotional support animal” is just a limbless mini-dinosaur who doesn’t care whether she lives or dies, it has been reported. Peperami, a snake owned by 29-year-old Tricia Squire, views humans as big warm-blooded apes whose sole purpose is to bring him…
New game show allows autistic girls to win a misdiagnosis
An all-new game show launching next month allows young girls who are clearly autistic to win a diagnosis they haven’t done anything to warrant, according to reports. Fob ‘Em Off! invites children between the ages of six and 12 to spin a wheel, which can...
Mortified autistic award winner spends entire speech apologising to her competitors
A skilled writer who accepted a prestigious award last night spent the duration of her acceptance speech alternately saying sorry to the rest of the nominees and outright berating herself, sources report. Paige Thomas, 28, took to the stage to accept her award for Best...
Man trapped in “Kafkaesque nightmare” realises it’s just his autism assessment
A man who thought he was living in a Kafkaesque nightmare has reportedly been informed that he is just in the middle of the autism assessment process. Naveed Azkhat, 39, felt himself becoming crushed under the weight of an unseen authority that wants him to...
Autistic woman interprets two words eight thousand ways
An autistic woman has undertaken a personal five-day odyssey after being presented with two clear and direct words, sources have revealed. Simran Khalsa, 26, who takes things very literally but has learned the hard way that neurotypicals speak in tricksy riddles, has trained herself to...
Autistic woman asked to rate pain from 1 to 10 has several clarifying questions
An autistic woman who was asked to rate her pain on a scale from 1 to 10 has so many follow-up questions that her doctor’s appointment risks becoming an interrogation, according to reports. Paige Thomas, 24, attends regular appointments for her chronic pain, although she...
Autistic person’s break time just ruminating about work with the TV on
An autistic person reportedly spends their work breaks continuing to think about work, albeit in front of a larger screen. Avery Mann, 49, values the moments they get to decompress from their work-from-home admin job, but has never actually decompressed, instead agonising over everything that...
Beanie Baby listening to you vent doesn’t think you’re being unreasonable
The Beanie Baby listening to your latest frustrated rant thinks you’re totally in the right, according to reports. Mark, 16, a cuddly buffalo with dinky beanbag hooves, has been perched attentively on your bed, watching with calm round eyes as you tearfully offload about your...
Autistics propose menstrual amnesty during heatwave
An autistic lobbying group has called for all uteri to pause hostilities while heatwave conditions continue, it has been reported. The group, known as For Uterine Calm Knowing it’s Sweltering, Awful and Kafkaesque Everywhere (FUCKSAKE), is advocating for a temporary blanket ban on any and...
Innovative! Sci-fi series creates yet another species of autistic-coded aliens
Beloved long-running adventure series Celestial Stroll is to introduce its 14th autistic-coded alien species, its creators revealed at a convention this weekend. Head writer Jack Harrington, 52, told excited fans: “We are delighted to introduce new species ‘the Autisticons’! We’re going to follow a young...
Autistic woman due for sudden attack of The Sadness for no discernible reason
An autistic woman in an Entirely Fine period of her life is reportedly about to be hit with a profound wave of melancholy, just because. Noriko Hamazaki, 38, bounced out of bed after a restful sleep, threw on her comfortable dungarees and cycled to her...
Mother of autistic daughter excited about all the self-pitying newspaper columns she’ll get out of it
An aspiring Telegraph columnist is “thrilled” that her four-year-old daughter is autistic, due to all the hand-wringing articles she can get out of it about her horror at not getting exactly the child she wanted, throughout the daughter’s teens and even well into her adult...
Autistic woman beginning to think of favourite clothing brand as friend
An autistic woman has somehow managed to form a parasocial relationship with her favourite clothes shop, it has been noted. Ellie Mulligan, 39, who spends every penny of her meagre disposable income at online boutique Little Lies, has reportedly anthropomorphised the shop to the point...
