Role model! Teacher inspires autistic teens to stop going to school
A teacher has been praised for promoting the belief that autistic young people can do anything they put their mind to – even, apparently, staying the fuck away from her. Karen Hoyland, 45, teaches Citizenship at a secondary school, where she prides herself on creating…
Sorry, I don’t work here! Autistic man rearranging stationery aisle just for the thrill of it
An autistic man has clarified that he does not work at his local branch of TG Jones (née WH Smith), and would appreciate it if fellow customers could stop interrupting his flow while he’s enjoying time with the pens, a statement has revealed. Robert Noot, 54, who is...
Things begin to look up for autistic woman after shop assistant calls her “love”
An autistic woman has reportedly realised that everything is going to be okay after an older woman working in a shop called her “love”. Karen Hoyland, 36, was feeling like a swamp gremlin until she walked into a cake shop staffed by 60-year-old Alma Montague,...
AuDHD woman spends entire show thinking about everything else she could be watching
An AuDHD woman’s enjoyment of the thing she’s currently watching has been greatly increased by persistent FOMO for all the things she’s currently not watching, sources have claimed. Abeer Zaki, 34, reportedly spent an “agonising” 45 minutes attempting to find the perfect viewing material to...
Dark cosy nook delighted to see you again
The dark corner of your flat where you curl up and hide in the evening is once again looking forward to sheltering you from the bright and terrible complexities of the world, it has been reported. The Dark Cosy Nook, two, which started its life...
BREAKING: Other people don’t feel sick before leaving the house
An investigation by The Daily Tism has found that other people do not feel genuinely and profoundly sick at the thought of having to go out. According to our sources, suddenly feeling ill before you have to embark on plans you made is rarely experienced...
Help! Parents running out of euphemisms for undiagnosed autistic child
A couple are becoming increasingly unhinged in the language that they use to describe their daughter, who is obviously autistic but must never, ever, ever be named as such, according to sources. Becky and Lloyd Didcot, 39 and 41, feel that an autism diagnosis carries...
Women in male fields! This female autism researcher hates women
A prominent autism researcher has reportedly proven she can shit on autistic women as well as any man in the field. In a recent interview, Professor Karen Hoyland argued that women who claim to be autistic are just angling for a diagnosis, since researchers like...
Mental simulations of people getting angry at you bound to pay off any day now
Mentally rehearsing arguments that will never happen is sure to serve you well at some point, sources have claimed. Your brain has reportedly acted as an arena for a never-ending series of hypothetical conflicts since you were young. In nearly every case, your imaginary sparring...
Efficient! AuDHD man’s daily task list includes carefully planned five-minute scream
An AuDHD man attempting to keep on top of the constant demands of his busy life by tracking tasks has expanded his to-do list to include blood-curdling screams at the horror of it all, sources have reported. Paul Shinter, 45, recently made the decision to...
Self-esteem a “slippery slope”, decides autistic woman’s subconscious
Having even the tiniest taste of positive self-regard is a gateway drug to monstrous narcissism, an autistic woman’s subconscious has claimed. Lottie Fitzgerald, 28, is doing all the requisite therapeutic work to build her confidence, but is constantly undermined by a horrid cackling morality-OCD gremlin...
Chic! Autistic woman’s autumn/winter runny nose seamlessly replaced by spring/summer runny nose
An autistic woman has been labelled a “trendsetter” after demonstrating how to seamlessly switch from a cold-weather runny nose to a hot-weather runny nose, it has been reported. Mary Walker, 43, believes that perpetually-drippy noses are a timeless classic, best paired with a nasty crumpled-up...
Pick your battles! Autistic person struggling to narrow it down, to be honest
An autistic person who vowed to pick their battles is reportedly frozen with indecision over which of their many important battles to let go of. Des Ackerman, 30, has spent their entire life fighting all the good fights, only to be now be told to...
