Everything that makes autistic woman happy terrible for her gut
Every single thing an autistic woman loves is turning her gut microbiome into a Mad Max-style wasteland, it has been reported. Tricia Squire, 37, allegedly loves spicy food, reclining after dinner like a Roman emperor, and sipping cold coffee for hydration when she’s forgotten to…
Treat yourself! Autistic woman buys yet more tat from dead people’s houses
An autistic woman is living her best life by filling her home with items that other people have thrown away, sources have claimed. Charity shop menace Beth Hapworth, 35, appears to be enjoying an inexhaustible supply of dopamine, having turned her kitchen into an homage...
“This party’s a bit shit, isn’t it?”: the sexiest things you can say to your autistic partner, ranked
If you’ve got an autistic partner, chances are their raw sexual magnetism makes it hard to think about anything other than jumping their vitamin-D-deficient bones. But if you’re looking to spice things up in a way that won’t aggravate your paramour’s gut issues, The Daily...
Autistic bearded man horrified by food near mouth
An autistic man who has intentionally grown a luscious and full beard/moustache combination on his own actual face is filled with a sense of visceral horror of food coming anywhere near it, according to sources. Mac Wheatley, 36, purposefully grew the collection of thick, dark...
Streeting orders NHS to bolster workforce with the restless souls of the dead
Headline by Sarah Amero Health secretary Wes Streeting has announced plans to bully the NHS into giving him data on the nation’s deceased in order to get them out of their eternal resting places and back into the workforce. The measures, which are reportedly as...
Autistic person somehow manages to mishear every song lyric
A person has been identified who has never heard the lyrics to a song correctly in their entire lifetime, scientists have discovered. Luca Mignon, 40, is like many other autistic adults in that they have reportedly spent at least two thirds of their life in...
Children with autism encouraged to “Hunger Games it out” for school support
The Government has announced a bold, innovative and low-key evil approach to SEND funding for school students, the Education Secretary revealed yesterday. As part of measures to protect the nation’s most valuable resource – its money – minister Karen Hoyland, 42, announced the construction of...
Autistic woman’s flirting “visible from space” confirms NASA
Astronauts working on the International Space Station were dazzled by a sudden burst of flirting so bright that it briefly illuminated most of Shropshire, NASA has reported. The rare phenomenon was spotted by astronaut Paige Thomas, 38, who initially thought the disturbance in the atmosphere...
Teacher who told autistic child to “speak up” really beginning to regret it
A teacher who encouraged an autistic child to speak up more in class is beginning to question the wisdom of that directive, it has been reported. Abeer Zaki, seven, was described as “quiet” in her last school report by teacher Eddie Albington, 46, who reportedly...
Hell yeah! Undiagnosed parents really killing it with the casual ableism lately
An autistic woman’s undiagnosed parents have really been smashing the internalised-ableism-fuelled microaggressions lately, sources have said. Mary Moorton, 60, has reportedly been incredible at asking 30-year-old daughter Siobhan whether she’ll be able to cope “with the big wide world” even though she can’t touch dirty...
Monster under autistic man’s bed actually a little worried about him
The scary monster living under an autistic man’s bed has reportedly got some concerns of its own, according to sources. Nightmare-being Graeme, an eldritch horror comprised of grasping, clutching shadow, has been living under 31-year-old Dexter Livingstone’s bed since they were both children. However, Graeme...
Autistic woman who got dressed in dark would be wearing that outfit regardless
An autistic woman asked by a colleague if she got dressed in the dark absolutely did – but that’s not why she’s wearing that, eyewitnesses have reported. Beth Hapworth, 44, reportedly arrived at her job as an events coordinator for a small conference centre dressed...
AuDHD woman’s collection of tarot decks curiously quiet about financial discipline regarding more tarot decks
An autistic woman’s extensive tarot collection is keeping suspiciously schtum about her decision to buy yet more packs of cards, sources have revealed. Kelsey Dacey, 27, was gifted her first deck by a friend as an alternative to suggesting an autism assessment – but soon found herself...
