Autistic stuntman eats two foods at once
An autistic stuntman has dazzled onlookers with his latest daredevil act: eating two foods at the same time. Robert Noot, 24, a professional stuntman who performs under the name Ootvel Knootvel, displayed this feat to a packed crowd of 1,200 autistic guests and confused neurotypical…
Heatwave has autistic woman determined not to go to Hell
The latest UK heatwave has reportedly caused one autistic woman to embrace a life of piety to prevent having to spend her afterlife anywhere hotter. Chi-Young Lee, 29, was happy being a sinner until the apocalyptic English weather tested her thermoregulation issues to the point...
Autistic woman asked to “jump on a quick call” suggests you jump off a quick cliff
An autistic woman’s day working from home was reportedly ruined by your request that she join a video call at short notice, you absolute psychopath. Talia Cohen, 40, was in full goblin mode when you interrupted her mid-task to demand that she run through her...
People who can regulate their temperature having bloody brilliant time right now
People who don’t wither as soon as the mercury rises above 20 degrees Celsius are having an absolute blast, it has been rumoured. The freaks, who think nothing of standing at a flaming barbecue while Ragnarok kicks off around them, are reportedly keen to outdo...
LGBTQ+ Pride event also accidentally Neurodiversity Pride event by default
A community LGBTQ+ Pride event this week has been revealed to also be a celebration of and by neurodivergent people, entirely by accident, when they discovered nearly all of the LGBTQ+ people there were autistic as hell. Eyewitnesses claimed that questions were raised during the...
Eeeeeeew! Unexpected house guest finds out how autistic man really lives
A guest who decided to “just drop by” unannounced has reportedly discovered that an autistic man lives in a house made of garbage inside a larger house made of house. Dexter Livingstone, 29, who was expecting an Amazon parcel, made the error of opening his...
Masochist? This autistic man lives in London
An autistic man has been called a “glutton for punishment” after it was revealed he lives in one of the most overwhelming cities in the world of his own free will. Graeme Hart, 56, traded the infinitely more sensible Hertfordshire for London thirty years ago,...
“No worries if FUCK YOU!” Autistic woman either fawning or hangry with no middle ground
An autistic woman is either the most unnecessarily polite person you’ve ever met in your entire life or murderously hangry with no in between, sources have revealed. Marketing executive Lottie Fitzgerald, 25, who should have had a snack an hour ago but didn’t want to...
Autistic couple trade off on mutual inability to do household tasks
The world’s only autistic couple with a semi-functional household and a relatively clean set of surfaces have attributed their success to a perfectly interlocking spiky skill set, sources have reported. Lucas Fletcher and Ben Espenson, both 30, had their meet-cute in the cleaning supplies aisle...
“Terrifying” email revealed to be completely benign
An email initially described by an autistic woman as “terrifying” has been discovered to be absolutely harmless after she clicked through. Talia Cohen, 34, received an email from her manager with the frightening subject line “Booking in a quick chat to check in”, which was...
Autistic woman’s emotional support animal just reptile who doesn’t give a fuck about her
An autistic woman’s so-called “emotional support animal” is just a limbless mini-dinosaur who doesn’t care whether she lives or dies, it has been reported. Peperami, a snake owned by 29-year-old Tricia Squire, views humans as big warm-blooded apes whose sole purpose is to bring him...
New game show allows autistic girls to win a misdiagnosis
An all-new game show launching next month allows young girls who are clearly autistic to win a diagnosis they haven’t done anything to warrant, according to reports. Fob ‘Em Off! invites children between the ages of six and 12 to spin a wheel, which can...
Mortified autistic award winner spends entire speech apologising to her competitors
A skilled writer who accepted a prestigious award last night spent the duration of her acceptance speech alternately saying sorry to the rest of the nominees and outright berating herself, sources report. Paige Thomas, 28, took to the stage to accept her award for Best...
