“I don’t stim” says autistic woman who hasn’t unclenched her jaw since 1993
An autistic woman who claims she does not stim has not stopped gnashing her teeth since the first Clinton inauguration, it has been revealed. 42-year-old Olivia Buckingham claims that she has never felt the need to self-regulate, although she reportedly acknowledges that 33 years is…
Autistic relationship ends in heartbreak over incompatible Star Trek opinions
An autistic couple have mutually ended their relationship over differing Star Trek opinions, sources have reported. Jay Chester, 35, and Ryan Wilkins, 27, were initially delighted to discover that they both loved the long running sci-fi franchise, with both partners being unable to believe their...
ADHD meds dispensed by riddle-posing wizard at end of elaborate fiery maze suspended over radioactive shark tank
You can have your ADHD medication, but only after completing a series of increasingly complex and life-threatening challenges, your pharmacist has announced. According to private online pharmacy NoMeds4U, their new system is designed to prevent abuse, while giving you the rare opportunity to obtain your...
Last neurotypical who likes Sonic the Hedgehog begins to hear ticking clock
The otherwise calm life of the last “neurotypical” person on the planet to like Sonic the Hedgehog has become increasingly disturbed by the ominous sound of ticking, according to reports. Deborah Whitehead, 39, whose hobbies include playing Sonic the Hedgehog, thinking about playing Sonic the Hedgehog, and...
Rigged! Completed tasks on to-do list keep getting replaced with new ones
You will never finish your chores and obligations because life is a succession of one tedious fucking thing after another until you die, scientists have confirmed. Dr. Brenda Hernández, who was first to propose the theory, explained: “You might be familiar with the story of...
Animal shelter social media account simultaneously responsible for autistic woman’s happiness and misery
An Instagram account run by an animal rescue centre has been credited with an autistic woman’s sole happiness on this Earth and also blamed for her enduring misery, according to sources. The rescue centre, which takes in cats, dogs and other assorted Little Guys, regularly...
AuDHD woman at gig who can’t remember lyrics really is artist’s biggest fan
An AuDHD woman at a gig reportedly singing along to about a third of the songs, if she’s lucky, genuinely does listen to the artist’s music all the time, it has been insisted. Emma Bernard, 24, who can reportedly “sort of dip in and out...
Ally! Friend’s party has specified end time
An autistic man’s friend has recently come out as an ally after specifying an end time for her upcoming birthday party, it has been reported. Talia Cohen, 34, sent out invitations to her house party with a clearly quoted finish of 10pm, so that 40-year-old...
Faceblindness! Boy, autistic woman sure hopes woman in house is her wife
An autistic woman with faceblindness is happy to report that she’s almost 65% certain the woman currently sitting in her living room is her beloved wife. Probably. Beth Hapworth, 29, has reportedly spent the last few hours casually trying to scrutinise the face of Natasha...
No laughing matter! This neurotypical woman would like you to be sadder about your autism please
A neurotypical woman furious that you just joked about your own disability has issued a statement demanding an apology for “making fun of autism”. Karen Hoyland, 52, who overheard you making a crass, insensitive joke about your autism, also clarified that she is speaking on...
Convenient! Air fryer allows autistic man myriad new ways to forget to eat
A brand new air fryer, with options to bake, defrost, dehydrate, and more, has allowed an autistic man unparalleled new ways to forget to prepare and eat food, according to sources. Onye Egbuchunam, 43, recently bought the 6-in-1 double-chambered air fryer as a convenient way...
“Reduce your stress levels” revealed to be medical profession’s sick idea of a joke
A whistleblower has reportedly revealed that “reduce your stress levels” is nothing more than a cruel in-joke among doctors. According to the anonymous source, medical professionals enjoy flippantly suggesting to patients that they should just consider being less stressed because they know that literally everyone...
“So nice of you to finally join us” guarantees autistic teen will never be seen again
An autistic boy who was greeted by his family with a sarcastic “so nice of you to finally join us” is reportedly planning to spend the rest of his adolescence barricaded in his room. 15-year-old Naveed Azkhat thought he’d pop downstairs after catching a promising...
