Baggy clothes next best thing to nudity, say autistics
Some autistic people have succeeded in wearing clothes without having clothes anywhere near them, sources have confirmed. The revolutionary new style reportedly allows autistic people to feel as free as they day they were born, without immediately losing their actual freedom on a public indecency…
Autistic person hard on themselves just in case someone else forgets to be
An autistic person is making sure to be relentlessly self-critical just in case the world ever decides to take the pressure off of them, sources have claimed. Kit McGodden, 25, is reportedly not content to allow the world to be ableist on its own, and...
“All-or-nothing” AuDHDer going for “nothing” again
An AuDHD student who describes themselves as an “all-or-nothing” person has chosen “nothing” again, eyewitnesses have claimed. Des Ackerman, 20, reportedly struggles to start assignments unless they know they can finish the whole thing in a day. However, given how difficult it is to apply...
AuDHDer in denial not giving up on piano this time
An AuDHD man is definitely not going to give up on the piano, no matter what everything else about his life and prior experiences may suggest, optimistic sources have reported. Mac Wheatley, 47, has committed to becoming a virtuoso on the instrument, the playing of...
Autistic woman’s customer service complaint riddled with apologies
An autistic woman has reportedly caused confusion after writing a customer service complaint buried in layers upon layers of apology. Niamh Callaghan, 43, says she thought long and hard about emailing a supermarket chain to complain after she found a live frog in a bag...
Multiply neurodivergent woman finally collects enough diagnoses for free dark night of the soul
A multiply neurodivergent woman has finally collected enough stamps on her diagnosis loyalty card for a free existential crisis, according to reports. Ima Onwugbenu, 29, has been diligently collecting diagnoses ever since she was diagnosed with autism. She has since amassed a variety of acronyms...
Dying autistic man bequeaths precious collection of unread messages to his family
An autistic man nearing the end of his time on Earth has gathered his family around him to pass on his precious collection of unread messages, according to eyewitnesses. Ben Espenson, 89, has lived a long, autistic life, and has made his peace with the...
Autistic man’s nervous system perfect for combat, horrible for filing tax return
An autistic man’s physiological makeup makes him ideal for hand-to-hand combat but not for everyday tasks like telling the government about money he’s already spent, it has been reported. Yuichi Suzuki, 39, experiences a surge of adrenaline whenever he sees the blue GOV.UK banner, which...
Steal her look! Autistic woman throws makeup in general direction of face and prays
An autistic woman’s makeup routine is held together solely by concealer and prayers, according to rumours. Freya Emerson, 25, was reportedly never taught how to do her makeup, nor can she seem to retain anything useful from makeup tutorials other than “start by looking like...
AuDHD movie buff has sorta kinda half watched all the classics
An AuDHD film fanatic has “basically got the gist” of most of the films they’ve listed on their Letterboxd account, sources have claimed. Des Ackerman, 45, who considers cinema a special interest, can reportedly sort-of kind-of talk knowledgeably about the difference between Criterion and Masters...
“I don’t stim” says autistic woman who hasn’t unclenched her jaw since 1993
An autistic woman who claims she does not stim has not stopped gnashing her teeth since the first Clinton inauguration, it has been revealed. 42-year-old Olivia Buckingham claims that she has never felt the need to self-regulate, although she reportedly acknowledges that 33 years is...
Autistic relationship ends in heartbreak over incompatible Star Trek opinions
An autistic couple have mutually ended their relationship over differing Star Trek opinions, sources have reported. Jay Chester, 35, and Ryan Wilkins, 27, were initially delighted to discover that they both loved the long running sci-fi franchise, with both partners being unable to believe their...
ADHD meds dispensed by riddle-posing wizard at end of elaborate fiery maze suspended over radioactive shark tank
You can have your ADHD medication, but only after completing a series of increasingly complex and life-threatening challenges, your pharmacist has announced. According to private online pharmacy NoMeds4U, their new system is designed to prevent abuse, while giving you the rare opportunity to obtain your...
