Dying autistic man bequeaths precious collection of unread messages to his family
An autistic man nearing the end of his time on Earth has gathered his family around him to pass on his precious collection of unread messages, according to eyewitnesses. Ben Espenson, 89, has lived a long, autistic life, and has made his peace with the…
Autistic man’s nervous system perfect for combat, horrible for filing tax return
An autistic man’s physiological makeup makes him ideal for hand-to-hand combat but not for everyday tasks like telling the government about money he’s already spent, it has been reported. Yuichi Suzuki, 39, experiences a surge of adrenaline whenever he sees the blue GOV.UK banner, which...
Steal her look! Autistic woman throws makeup in general direction of face and prays
An autistic woman’s makeup routine is held together solely by concealer and prayers, according to rumours. Freya Emerson, 25, was reportedly never taught how to do her makeup, nor can she seem to retain anything useful from makeup tutorials other than “start by looking like...
AuDHD movie buff has sorta kinda half watched all the classics
An AuDHD film fanatic has “basically got the gist” of most of the films they’ve listed on their Letterboxd account, sources have claimed. Des Ackerman, 45, who considers cinema a special interest, can reportedly sort-of kind-of talk knowledgeably about the difference between Criterion and Masters...
“I don’t stim” says autistic woman who hasn’t unclenched her jaw since 1993
An autistic woman who claims she does not stim has not stopped gnashing her teeth since the first Clinton inauguration, it has been revealed. 42-year-old Olivia Buckingham claims that she has never felt the need to self-regulate, although she reportedly acknowledges that 33 years is...
Autistic relationship ends in heartbreak over incompatible Star Trek opinions
An autistic couple have mutually ended their relationship over differing Star Trek opinions, sources have reported. Jay Chester, 35, and Ryan Wilkins, 27, were initially delighted to discover that they both loved the long running sci-fi franchise, with both partners being unable to believe their...
ADHD meds dispensed by riddle-posing wizard at end of elaborate fiery maze suspended over radioactive shark tank
You can have your ADHD medication, but only after completing a series of increasingly complex and life-threatening challenges, your pharmacist has announced. According to private online pharmacy NoMeds4U, their new system is designed to prevent abuse, while giving you the rare opportunity to obtain your...
Last neurotypical who likes Sonic the Hedgehog begins to hear ticking clock
The otherwise calm life of the last “neurotypical” person on the planet to like Sonic the Hedgehog has become increasingly disturbed by the ominous sound of ticking, according to reports. Deborah Whitehead, 39, whose hobbies include playing Sonic the Hedgehog, thinking about playing Sonic the Hedgehog, and...
Rigged! Completed tasks on to-do list keep getting replaced with new ones
You will never finish your chores and obligations because life is a succession of one tedious fucking thing after another until you die, scientists have confirmed. Dr. Brenda Hernández, who was first to propose the theory, explained: “You might be familiar with the story of...
Animal shelter social media account simultaneously responsible for autistic woman’s happiness and misery
An Instagram account run by an animal rescue centre has been credited with an autistic woman’s sole happiness on this Earth and also blamed for her enduring misery, according to sources. The rescue centre, which takes in cats, dogs and other assorted Little Guys, regularly...
AuDHD woman at gig who can’t remember lyrics really is artist’s biggest fan
An AuDHD woman at a gig reportedly singing along to about a third of the songs, if she’s lucky, genuinely does listen to the artist’s music all the time, it has been insisted. Emma Bernard, 24, who can reportedly “sort of dip in and out...
Ally! Friend’s party has specified end time
An autistic man’s friend has recently come out as an ally after specifying an end time for her upcoming birthday party, it has been reported. Talia Cohen, 34, sent out invitations to her house party with a clearly quoted finish of 10pm, so that 40-year-old...
Faceblindness! Boy, autistic woman sure hopes woman in house is her wife
An autistic woman with faceblindness is happy to report that she’s almost 65% certain the woman currently sitting in her living room is her beloved wife. Probably. Beth Hapworth, 29, has reportedly spent the last few hours casually trying to scrutinise the face of Natasha...
