Fidget toys not helping, says autistic woman who never uses them
An autistic woman has reportedly been left disappointed by the fidget toys she hasn’t touched since buying them. Talia Cohen, 34, says she derived great relief from the numerous Tangles, fidget spinners and acupressure rings she splurged on after her diagnosis, but was frustrated to…
Autistic woman issues statement denying claims she’s a decent person
An autistic woman has issued a public statement putting an end to rumours that she’s a pretty okay guy in the grand scheme of things. Olivia Buckingham, 24, denied in the strongest possible terms that she was a “good egg”, a claim made by friend...
Autistic woman fails to nail mind-reading portion of job interview
An autistic woman at a job interview has failed to guess what her prospective employers are secretly looking for, according to the panel. Krista Shure, 27, says she thoroughly researched the paper company she was interviewing for, and took pains to practice answering questions without...
“He’s just being polite!” Woman’s autistic superpower is cockblocking herself
A woman has revealed that her autistic superpower is not noticing when a dude is down to bang until it’s 12 years too late and he’s married with three kids and a dachshund. Natasha Weaving, 27, has perfected the art of being entirely oblivious to...
Autistic wedding vows shortened to brisk nod
An autistic couple who can’t bear the physical agony of expressing genuine emotions in front of others have mutually agreed to shorten their wedding vows to a brief nod. Ellie Mulligan, 30, and Jay Chester, 35, are planning to marry later this year in a...
Autistic woman’s PMDD making some good points, actually
An autistic woman’s PMDD-fuelled inner monologue is actually making some really salient points this month, according to sources. Chi-Young Lee, 26, usually knows to tune out the raging, emotionally volatile voice in her head that surfaces during her luteal phase, but this time around she...
Billionaire’s autism not the reason he’s a piece of shit
An autistic billionaire’s neurotype is not the reason he’s an absolute piece of shit, it has been revealed. Robert Noot, 54, frequently uses his autism as a get-out-of-jail-free card to excuse all of the terrible things he says and does, in spite of the actual...
Scam alert! Nothing less believable than autistic woman telling God’s honest truth
An autistic woman so compulsively honest she has never skipped through a single ‘Terms and Conditions’ been universally condemned as an outrageous liar, according to sources. Niamh Callaghan, 40, who once farted in a lift and immediately announced, “I’m so sorry, that was me,” finds...
Autistic woman threatened with “the help she needs”
A newly diagnosed autistic woman has been subjected to vile threats of “help” and “support” from other people, according to sources. Miya Wilkes, 23, has reportedly been met with intimidating warnings like “You’ll finally get the help you need!” after telling others about her recent...
Tabletop role-playing game more accommodating than every job you’ve ever had
A tabletop role-playing game lovingly hosted by a nerd you met on the Internet is reportedly more accommodating of your needs than any Disability Confident employer you’ve ever had. Yuichi Suzuki, 34, began your group game of Swords ‘n’ Sages with an in-depth explanation of...
“Permanent sense of self” autistic woman’s favourite mythical creature
An autistic woman has announced that a “permanent sense of self” is the most fantastical and intriguing mythical creature she’s ever heard of. After hearing about it in conversation, Megan Aldrich, 30, has declared the beast “significantly less believable, but even more fuckable, than a...
Doctor immobile for ten days, unable to choose between fatphobia and ableism
A doctor has been unable to move for ten days straight after encountering a patient who is both fat and autistic. Dr. Lloyd Didcot, 57, was about to tell Ben Espenson, 32, that the only treatment for his ear infection would be for him to...
Other shoe taking suspiciously long time to drop
An autistic woman reportedly really enjoying life at the moment is nonetheless growing increasingly suspicious that nothing glaringly bad has happened in a while. Liz McHodge, 68, says she “cannot complain” about the current state of her life, but having nothing to complain about is...
