“Autistics cannot lie,” lie autistics
The high council of all autistics called a press conference today to announce that autistic people “definitely don’t lie”, eyewitnesses reported. Their proclamation was followed by a short delay while the members of the council laughed behind their hands and nudged each other, which they…
Guess the bruise! Purple polka dotted autistic woman has no idea how that happened
An autistic woman is mystified as to why she’s woken up looking like an overripe banana, it has been claimed. Pippa Durham, 34, regularly discovers injuries that seem to have appeared by stealth when she wasn’t looking, and has yet to find a biologically plausible...
Autistic man’s turtleneck ribbed for his displeasure
An autistic man who put on a ribbed turtleneck this morning is straight up not having a good time, according to him. 31-year-old Cameron Brereton’s latest purchase, a corrugated, stretchy top with a sophisticated high neck, was intended to protect him from the shame of...
Whimsical autistic woman lives in constant fear man will write screenplay romanticising her
An autistic woman has reportedly inspired an alarming amount of men to write screenplays about her, just by simply making polite conversation and existing. Lottie Fitzgerald, 27, was deeply shaken after an interaction at her local coffee shop, where a barista described her with ominously...
Unbelievable! This woman disclosed her autism and didn’t instantly regret it
A woman who disclosed her diagnosis of autism at work was reportedly shocked when her colleagues weren’t even a little bit weird about it. Paige Thomas, 37, decided to tell colleague Navya Randhawa, 29, about her autism while the two were out at a work...
Groundbreaking! Satire website throws birthday party autistics actually WANT to attend
Autism satire website The Daily Tism has achieved the impossible by announcing a virtual birthday party that autistics actually want to go to (and you’re all invited), it has been rumoured. The Daily Tism, two, has reportedly teamed up with Coherent Comedy, one-and-a-half, to throw...
Spooky! Autistic woman dissociates so hard in dentist’s chair that she literally floats away
An autistic woman scared her dentist almost as much as he scares her, after she levitated toward the ceiling during a routine check-up, it has been reported. According to witnesses, the corporeal form of Paige Thomas, 27, did appear to be present in the dentist’s...
Boyfriend relegated to sofa, plushies declare victory
A group of stuffed animals have declared victory over their owner’s boyfriend after successfully relegating him to the sofa, sources have reported. The ever-growing collection of plushies owned by 28-year-old Kelsey Dacey, which includes a culturally confusing haggis wearing a sombrero and an anthropomorphic graphing...
Autistic woman’s various mental breakdowns neatly tracked via abandoned craft projects
An autistic woman’s many mental health crises can be charted via boxes of abandoned craft projects, it has been observed. The boxes, which have taken up permanent residence in 41-year-old Krista Shure’s spare room in lieu of friends, reportedly reveal a complex archeology of breakups,...
Betrayal! Wiki about autistic man’s special interest written by people who are not sufficiently autistic
An autistic man has been left horrified after looking online for information about his special interest, only to find that the wiki’s editors are clearly nowhere near autistic enough to satisfy his need for detail, eyewitnesses have reported. Wallace Murray, 44, has an interest in...
You’re welcome! “Bossy” autistic woman has planned your whole life for you
An autistic woman has taken the liberty of sketching out your next few decades, since you were not forthcoming in a recent conversation about future plans, it has been revealed. You may not have noticed that Ellie Mulligan, 35, was being sarcastic when she ended...
Autistic woman wants to call you out but forgot her sources
An autistic woman desperately wants to call you out but has forgotten the evidence she was going to use to absolutely school your ass, it has been reported. Mandeep Kaur, 22, reportedly wants to challenge your assertion that violent video games directly cause aggression, but...
Family “ready to forgive you” for meltdown
Your family is reportedly prepared to forgive you after you had a meltdown that greatly inconvenienced them. An official statement from your father on the family group chat ended with “Have you calmed down yet?”, which signifies that he is ready to hear you beg...
