Autistic woman interprets work Secret Santa as gross misunderstanding of her core self
An autistic woman has been left feeling betrayed and “deeply misperceived” after receiving a secret Santa gift from a colleague, according to reports. Emma Bernard, 31, from Cheshire, was appalled to open a baby-pink mug emblazoned with the slogan “Positive Vibes Only” – which immediately…
Autistics to Boris Johnson: don’t even fucking think about it
Autistic people have issued a statement explaining to Boris Johnson that autism does not cause you to become a compulsively lying, law-breaking, nation-wrecking cunt. The statement encourages Johnson – who claimed in a Telegraph interview that he can be “a bit on the spectrum” –...
Autistic person sports itchy Christmas jumper for record time of 8.2 minutes
An autistic person has managed to keep a Christmas sweater on their body for record-breaking time of 8.2 minutes – or 492 seconds – according to reports. Jay Maw, 33, from Carlisle, has beaten the previous record of Robert Noot, 42, who wore his cashmere...
Gregg Wallace to clarify: “My autism is the sex pest”
Former Masterchef presenter, Gregg Wallace, is reportedly due to clarify that it is not him, but his autism, that is the sex pest, actually. Gregg Wallace – who probably first Googled “autism” some time last week despite having had an autistic son for the past...
“Why am I always so tired?” Asks autistic woman who exclusively eats pizza
An autistic woman who subsists entirely on a diet of dough, tomato and cheese has appealed for answers as to why she’s dead on her feet, it has been rumoured. Sarah Harrow, 37, is unfortunately too old to get away with eating like a student...
Diversity win! Autistic child in school nativity cast as Chris Packham
A primary school teacher has achieved a landmark win for diversity after casting an autistic pupil as Chris Packham in a school nativity. Krista Shure, 63, was outraged at the lack of autistic representation in the original nativity story – and feared that Finley Rice,...
It’s here! Your social faux pas Wrapped for 2024
Your year in cringe – from us! Here are some of the crucial moments that defined the past 365 days, for you – and as your brain at 3am says, everybody else. According to our data, you interrupted your colleagues in a Zoom meeting 43...
Neurotypicals and autistics to compromise with medium talk
Allistic and autistic people have agreed to meet in the middle by engaging in medium talk, it has been announced. In a deal brokered by expert peace negotiators, questions such as “how are you?” will now be answered with “fine, thanks” and no more than...
Autistic town to host first Christmas light switch-off
A small Northern town with an unusually high proportion of autistic inhabitants is due to take part in the first ever Christmas light switch off, according to reports. Known as the De-Luminations, locals will gather to see street lights dimmed and neon signs dulled during...
Autistic child challenges scientific efficacy of boo-boo kissing
An autistic girl has raised concerns about the validity of her parents “kissing her boo-boos” as a form of first-aid, it has been rumoured. Seven-year-old Mary Walker has scoured scientific journals but has yet to find any peer-reviewed evidence that kissing minor injuries makes them...
Fuck! Neurotypical advent calendar reveals different shaped chocolate every day
An autistic person has been left in a state of “shock and disbelief” after learning their advent calendar contains a different-shaped chocolate every day, reports have confirmed. After yesterday morning’s unveiling of a piece of chocolate shaped like the jolly face of Father Christmas, Becky...
Wow! Autistic woman who struggles to read a room manages not to sexually harass people
Despite having an autism diagnosis, a woman has survived a whole lifetime without sexually harassing anybody in the workplace, it has been reported. Emma Bernard, 33, from Ancoats, finds it difficult to decipher social situations at the best of times – yet has mysteriously managed...
Argh! Autistic woman can’t tell anyone how well she’s keeping secret
An autistic woman is reportedly “losing her fucking mind” due to being unable to tell anyone how competently she’s keeping a secret, it has been rumoured. Paige Thomas, 40, who found out the freakiest shit about a friend’s husband, Jack Harrington, 45, has been sworn...
