“Confusing” sitcom premiere dress code sees autistic audience wearing literal red carpets
An audience comprised predominantly of autistic people have been left “unsure of what the fuck to wear” to the virtual world premiere of a new audio sitcom, it has been announced. The invitation to the live launch of The Daily Tism’s new show by and…
Autistic woman will never be sad again after reading novel about lesbian nuns in space
An autistic woman has been winning at mental health ever since she read a science fiction novella about an order of Roman Catholic nuns being very gay on a spaceship, reports have confirmed. Miya Wilkes, 30, read Sisters of the Vast Black by Lina Rather...
AuDHD woman obsessively buying wool only vaguely acquainted with knitting
An AuDHD woman with an increasingly large collection of yarn, needles, and stitch markers is only vaguely aware of the concept of “knitting”, it has been reported. Pippa Durham, 33, has been gathering a variety of expensive and rare wools and other knitting-related paraphernalia for...
FFS! Unmasking autistic person discovers they were cool all along
An autistic person who spent the last three decades masking in order to appear cool has reportedly unmasked only to discover that their coolest form was the very thing they were masking in the first place. Luca Mignon, 33, who has spent their entire life...
Editors starting to notice the Star Trek references in every single piece submitted by autistic writer
The editors of the successful satirical website The Daily Tism have started to catch on to the Star Trek references scattered like crew members in a transporter throughout one of their writer’s submissions. Sara Gibbs, 38, and Sarah Amero, 28, are reportedly “not that into...
AuDHD man disgusted by attempts to converse with him before 5pm
An AuDHD man has been left “appalled” by people trying to speak to him before he becomes fully functional sometime in the early evening, reports have claimed. Naveed Azkhat, 42, suffered the grave offence after emerging into his living room, where his family were lying...
Autistic person’s PhD topic so niche explaining what it is uses up entire thesis word count
An autistic PhD student has come up with a research topic so obscure and complex that it may have transcended human language, sources have claimed. Kit McGodden, 25, wrote an 80,000 word introduction, at which point they realised that they had accidentally written a...
AuDHD woman set to finally win life with next bout of overcompensation
An AuDHD woman is reportedly finally going to solve all her problems with one more “boom” phase of her lifelong boom-and-bust cycle. Navya Randhawa, 38, has had “learn to slow down” on her to do list for the past 15 years, and says she will...
Autistic birthday girl allows relatives to choose from pre-agreed list of surprises
An autistic birthday girl has drawn up a list of approved surprises for her family to prevent any actual surprises, it has been rumoured. Krista Shure, who is about to turn 12, says she has enough to deal with without the prospect of her family...
Autistic woman’s love of special interest inversely proportional with coolness of subject matter
An autistic woman is lamenting the fact that she only really gets obsessed with special interests which make her seem desperately uncool or deeply weird, it has been revealed. Mary Walker, 29, made the realisation midway through a conversation at work, where she had been...
Autistic stuntman eats two foods at once
An autistic stuntman has dazzled onlookers with his latest daredevil act: eating two foods at the same time. Robert Noot, 24, a professional stuntman who performs under the name Ootvel Knootvel, displayed this feat to a packed crowd of 1,200 autistic guests and confused neurotypical...
Heatwave has autistic woman determined not to go to Hell
The latest UK heatwave has reportedly caused one autistic woman to embrace a life of piety to prevent having to spend her afterlife anywhere hotter. Chi-Young Lee, 29, was happy being a sinner until the apocalyptic English weather tested her thermoregulation issues to the point...
Autistic woman asked to “jump on a quick call” suggests you jump off a quick cliff
An autistic woman’s day working from home was reportedly ruined by your request that she join a video call at short notice, you absolute psychopath. Talia Cohen, 40, was in full goblin mode when you interrupted her mid-task to demand that she run through her...
