Autistic woman who claimed not to take things literally discovers she took the concept of literalism too literally
An autistic woman is reportedly reconsidering some of the answers she gave in her diagnostic assessment three years ago, in light of startling new information about what the word ‘literally’ means. Lottie Fitzgerald, 25, was diagnosed as autistic in 2023, but has since realised that…
Brave! Autistic woman says “fine” when asked how she is even though that’s not the exact most truthful answer to the question
An autistic woman has reportedly performed a daring feat of extreme bravery by answering “Fine” to the question “How are you?” in a social setting when, in fact, that response does not entirely encapsulate every nuance of the truth. Avery Mann, 25, had been preparing...
Autistic man dumped after failing to purchase piece of red cardboard
An autistic man has been dumped by his girlfriend after he neglected to buy her a red rectangle of cardboard on February 14th, it has been announced. Dexter Livingstone, 26, who also failed to obtain a bunch of dead plants wrapped in cellophane, or a...
Gift of teddy bear holding giant love heart could honestly mean anything
The gift of a teddy bear holding a massive fuck-off plush heart on Valentine’s Day could honestly be interpreted in a number of ways, according to you. Although you reportedly understand that the bear, a golden-furred little fellow with a squidgy velvet heart stitched to...
Autistic woman optimistically tries to coin phrase “indoorsy person”
An autistic woman who’s weary of listening to her colleagues’ exhausting-sounding weekends has optimistically tried to coin the phrase ‘indoorsy person’, sources have said. Simran Khalsa, 33, whose idea of an exciting weekend involves looking out of a different pane of her living room window,...
Autistic man “doing a silly bit” accidentally becomes professor of criminology
An autistic man has recently been promoted to professor of criminology at a prestigious university as a result of his ongoing commitment to what he describes as a “funny little autistic joke”, sources have revealed. Ethan Stern, 37, was appointed to the position at the...
Autistic woman’s support network consists of friends doing equally badly
An autistic woman’s social support mostly comes from people who are just as fucked as she is, eyewitnesses have said. Paige Thomas, 29, has reportedly formed a network of people she can lean on in troubled times, despite the fact that they are all as...
It has pockets! Autistic woman’s clothes contain no keys or phone but plenty of tiny knitted rabbits
An autistic woman has chosen to fill the pockets of her new skirt with whimsical little oddities while continuing to lose all the items that she actually needs, sources have claimed. Megan Aldrich, 33, was reportedly delighted to discover that her latest Vinted purchase had...
Polyamorous AuDHD woman torn between love of partners and hatred of admin
A polyamorous woman with two partners and AuDHD has found herself caught in a constant battle between the deep love and affection she has for her partners, and the equally deep fear and loathing she has for having to do any admin, eyewitnesses have said....
Quittin’ time! AuDHD person’s 24-hour life overhaul ruined before 9am
An AuDHD person who planned to change their entire life in a day has already ruined it with a single deviation from their vision, it has been rumoured. Des Ackerman, 40, was reportedly finally ready to clean their entire house, send the incredibly low-stakes texts...
Autistic woman experiencing pain-free five minutes growing suspicious
An autistic woman who has gone five minutes without any aches or pains is reportedly beginning to worry that something is deeply and mortally wrong. Siobhan Moorton, 23, almost always has some part of her body hurting thanks to a horrifying smorgasbord of comorbidities. However,...
Astronomers gather for once-in-a-lifetime glimpse of autistic woman sitting normally
Astronomers have gathered for a rare cosmic event – an autistic woman using a chair as intended, it has been reported. Ffiona Maw, 44, has rarely sat upright in a chair with her feet on the floor, instead hunching and twisting into the shape of...
Useless child with autism refuses to be monetised
A child with autism has selfishly refused to cooperate with his parents’ social media aspirations, according to them. Finley Rice, seven, reportedly ceases to do anything remotely interesting the second mum Karen Rice, 38, starts filming, thwarting his family’s efforts to monetise his autism. Karen...
