Autistic child who “can’t express love” to parents declares undying devotion to cat
An autistic child whose parents claim is “incapable of showing affection” regularly hugs and kisses her cat, Trevor, it has been rumoured. Avery Rice, seven, was diagnosed as autistic after her parents noticed she wasn’t achieving regular milestones – such as looking them in the…
Researchers fear people with autism “may become sentient”
People with autism are showing signs that they may soon develop independent thoughts, and worse, start expressing them, researchers have said. The stark warning comes after test subjects began demonstrating likes, dislikes and even what looked like love. Autism expert, Dr. Karen Hoyland, said: “During...
It’s all good material, says autistic woman who will never do stand-up
An autistic woman with zero desire to enter the comedy circuit convinces herself “it’s all good material” every time her life starts falling to pieces, it has been revealed. Paige Thomas, 31, from Old Trafford, insists on using the helpful phrase when things go wrong...
“People with autism aren’t funny”, says man who still answers phone “wazzuppppppp?”
Autistic people have no sense of humour – according to a man who still answers the phone with a line from a 1999 Budweiser commercial. Graeme Hart, 45, made the pronouncement after seeing a poster for autistic comedian, Joe Wells, at the pub, prompting him...
Autistic woman relates to protagonist everybody else finds fucking insufferable
An autistic woman has been left feeling ashamed after identifying with the narrator of a novel that everybody else hates, it has been reported. Paige Thomas, 26, attended a local reading group last Monday evening to discuss Sally Rooney’s Conversations With Friends. She was about...
Convenient! Shop autism hours to be held annually from 1am to 2am on Mars
Autistic people everywhere are celebrating the news that supermarkets will be holding one annual quiet shopping hour just for them – just a short rocket trip from Earth. The hour, agreed upon by all leading supermarkets, will conveniently be held between one and two in...
Fraud! Autistic woman forgets to clarify she can’t speak for all autistic people
An autistic woman is under fire after unloading to colleagues about her cancelled train without first making it clear that she doesn’t speak for all autistic people, it has been reported. Recruitment consultant Paige Thomas, 27, is said to have sparked complaints to HR after...
Autistic woman mistakes shit workplace lighting for aurora borealis
An autistic woman who claimed to have seen the Northern Lights “multiple times” was actually just thinking of the ones at her open-plan office, it has been revealed. Alma Montague, 38, from Wallasey, described being confused by the excitement on social media – as spectacular...
Romance! How to plan an autistic date that’ll make the neurotypicals say “n’aaaaaaaw”
If two autistic people go on a date and no neurotypicals are around to gawk at them like they’re at a petting zoo, did it even happen? Set the mood with insipid music meant for toddlers Nothing gets two autistic adults in the mood like...
Autistic woman “pretty confident” she can perform complex brain surgery after 5th binge-watch of Grey’s Anatomy
An autistic woman has been formally asked to leave St. John’s Hospital in Lambeth after “lurking” in the reception for three days straight, following yet another rewatch of medical drama, Grey’s Anatomy. After being forcibly removed from the waiting area, Beth Hapworth, 38 – who...
Love rat! Autistic man cheats on long-term T-shirt
An autistic man’s T-shirt is devastated to discover that after five years of exclusivity, its owner has purchased a second one, sources have revealed. The black cotton T-shirt had recently celebrated five happy years with autistic man, Dexter Livingstone, 29, but was left “shocked and...
Autistic Swedish pop fan accidentally signs up for ABA
A lifelong lover of the band ABBA has mistakenly signed up for a course of Applied Behaviour Anaylsis, it has been reported. When autistic woman Paula Mulberry, 32, arrived at We Don’t Care Therapy Centre, she believed she was auditioning for an upcoming tribute band....
Hope for recently dumped autistic woman as she finally reaches ugly-sobbing-to-Taylor-Swift stage of grief
A newly dumped autistic woman’s friends have expressed optimism about her recovery, as she was overheard bawling her eyes out to the new Taylor Swift album. Paige Thomas, 25, first streamed The Tortured Poets Department LP several days after she was left by now-ex-boyfriend, Dexter...
