Comforting! Autistic woman’s safe food slowly killing her
An autistic woman’s supposed “safe food” is gradually leading to her demise, according to reports. Paige Thomas, 28, constantly falls asleep at her desk, develops a new illness every other week and is deficient in vitamins from A all the way down to Z –…
I hate small talk, says autistic woman who loves chatting shit
An autistic woman who despises ordinary workplace conversations will make a rare exception for the sake of decent gossip, it has been rumoured. Despite loathing typical office chit-chat, Ffiona Maw, 32, will cheerfully listen to you slag off your mutual nemesis as many times as...
Autistic woman mad at you for “no reason” actually has hyper-specific grievance
An autistic woman accused of being “irrationally angry” actually has an incredibly specific and justifiable reason for being pissed off with you, it has been rumoured. Niamh Callaghan, 29, reportedly became unreasonably furious with you when all you did was eat an ice cream –...
Aw! Relative conflates your autism with you being preschooler
A relative has mistaken your recent adult autism diagnosis for you still being at nursery school, according to reports. Despite you having completed a PhD in Environmental Policy, winning a prestigious award for global activism and having completed the first draft of your autism memoir,...
Autistic woman’s fictional boyfriend breaks up with her for her own good
An autistic woman has been left distraught after her fictional boyfriend ended their one-sided imaginary relationship, it has been reported. Paige Thomas, 29, was enjoying an intense whirlwind romance with fictional vampire Robert Noot, 9254, the protagonist of her favourite fantasy book series, when he...
Mystery! Autistic woman asks Reddit “what does ‘I fancy you’ mean?”
An autistic woman has been described as “mystified” and “perplexed” after another woman told her she’s sexually attracted to her, sources have indicated. Emma Bernard, 29, from Acton Bridge, is reportedly baffled by the puzzling statement after Natasha Weaving, 32, uttered the phrase in a bar...
Neurotypical man wows world by speaking continuously about special interest for 25 hours
Headline by Jon Halling A man has been hailed as a “hero” after spending 25 straight hours infodumping about his special interest, despite the disadvantage of his neurotypicalism. Senator Cory Booker, 55, broke the record for the longest senate speech, in a move autistics worldwide...
Experts warn autism acceptance may lead to actually respecting the buggers
Experts have cautioned the general public about the dangers of autism acceptance, warning that it may lead to autistic people being treated like human beings. Ffiona Maw, from the anti-disability charity Nope, and Professor Jay Chester, who rubs his hands together like a Scooby Doo...
Horse that appears in all the idioms just as confused as you are
Headline by Sara Gibbs A horse referred to in multiple idiomatic expressions doesn’t know why he’s been dragged into yet another conversation, it has been rumoured. Bramble, 18, a Dartmoor Pony, claims his ears are “constantly pricking” due to being persistently mentioned in various increasingly...
Expert! GP who did six years of medical school suggests mindful colouring
A general practitioner who went to medical school for six years now treats anxiety by prescribing a mindful colouring book and box of crayons, sources have reported. Dr. Graeme Hart, who paid almost £125k for his training, really thinks you’d benefit from scribbling on this...
Autistic woman receives Mother’s Day cards from everyone she has ever dated
An autistic woman has received an influx of Mother’s Day cards from every ex who treated her like a surrogate mother, according to sources. Siobhan Moorton, 36, has never had a child of her own – yet has helped to raise numerous adult children who...
Whoops! Autism charity inadvertently helps autistic person
An autism charity has come under fire today after accidentally helping an actual autistic person, reports have indicated. Directors at Autism Shrieks have reportedly spent an emergency meeting trying to placate their board after assistance was erroneously provided to autistic adult, Miya Wilkes, 30. In...
Autistic woman worried her mugs have realised she has a favourite
An autistic woman is facing an ethical dilemma over her preference for drinking out of one particular mug, it has been revealed. Lottie Fitzgerald, 35, from Southsea, has developed a strong attachment to a blue studio pottery mug she was given last Christmas. She reports...
