Confirmed! Floor better than bed
In the world of “places it is good to lie down”, Floor is indeed better than Bed, new research has confirmed. Dr Mary Walker, 45, Clinical Trial Lead at The Institute for Floor Time Studies, broke the news at a press conference this morning, speaking...
Bar never been lower for “autism expertise”, study finds
A newly published survey has found that nearly anything can make someone an autism expert, according to the totally unbiased people behind it. The survey, conducted specifically by people who have doctorates in anything other than autism, found that the majority of modern “autism experts”...
Researchers find autism somehow doubles when on holiday
Autism “doubles” when on holiday, a landmark new study by The Institute for Why Are We Like This has revealed. Dr. Graeme Hart announced the breakthrough, confirmed in a press conference, that conclusive proof has been discovered not just of autism symptoms doubling, but of...
The Great Sun Myth: new documentary seeks to answer question – where does it go when it’s dark?
A groundbreaking new documentary reportedly seeks to question the conventional narrative around the mysterious and unknowable orb at the centre of our galaxy. The Great Sun Myth, from the producers of Not Quite Walls, Not Quite Gaps: What are Doors? and Trees: What’s Their Game?,...
Finally! Online translation services add Neurotypical to languages on offer
Websites that translate text from one language to another will enable emails and instant messages from neurotypical people to be converted into a less obscure format, reports have confirmed. According to linguistics expert Dr. Jay Chester, who helped to create the innovative new tool, site...
Women in male fields! This female autism researcher hates women
A prominent autism researcher has reportedly proven she can shit on autistic women as well as any man in the field. In a recent interview, Professor Karen Hoyland argued that women who claim to be autistic are just angling for a diagnosis, since researchers like...
Autistic woman’s flirting “visible from space” confirms NASA
Astronauts working on the International Space Station were dazzled by a sudden burst of flirting so bright that it briefly illuminated most of Shropshire, NASA has reported. The rare phenomenon was spotted by astronaut Paige Thomas, 38, who initially thought the disturbance in the atmosphere...
Reverse lie-in? Autistic woman goes to bed so early it’s still last week
An autistic woman who loves her bed with the ardour usually reserved for a new romantic partner has accidentally broken the concept of time, scientists have revealed. Siobhan Moorton, 35, has always been tucked up in her jammies with a mug of cocoa by 9pm,...
First autism study to take place without any autistic people called a “bloody relief” by researchers
A groundbreaking new autism study has reportedly taken place without any autistic people involved at all – to the relief of its researchers. The study, entitled “Why are they like that?”, seeks to investigate the causes of autism as conjectured by the highly opinionated loved...
Scientist’s attempt at creating sentient life backfires: “Oh, crap, I made him autistic”
A scientist’s attempt at playing God has gone awry after the man he reanimated turned out to be autistic, it has been revealed. Victor Frankenstein, 40, had managed to create life in the form of a grotesque humanoid figure, but realised he’d celebrated too early...