Autistic couple trade off on mutual inability to do household tasks
The world’s only autistic couple with a semi-functional household and a relatively clean set of surfaces have attributed their success to a perfectly interlocking spiky skill set, sources have reported. Lucas Fletcher and Ben Espenson, both 30, had their meet-cute in the cleaning supplies aisle...
Mortified autistic award winner spends entire speech apologising to her competitors
A skilled writer who accepted a prestigious award last night spent the duration of her acceptance speech alternately saying sorry to the rest of the nominees and outright berating herself, sources report. Paige Thomas, 28, took to the stage to accept her award for Best...
Innovative! Sci-fi series creates yet another species of autistic-coded aliens
Beloved long-running adventure series Celestial Stroll is to introduce its 14th autistic-coded alien species, its creators revealed at a convention this weekend. Head writer Jack Harrington, 52, told excited fans: “We are delighted to introduce new species ‘the Autisticons’! We’re going to follow a young...
White autistic boy trying to play with his trains keeps being photographed for stock image library
An autistic boy who just wants to play with his train set keeps being snapped by a photographer for a stock image library, sources have revealed. Finley Rice, six, has been carefully trying to recreate all of Sodor’s railway lines on the floor of his...
New Autistic Trading Standards Agency to force ads to cut the shit
Adverts, best known as the noisy flashing events filled with lies which you habitually mute between television programs, are due to experience a massive overhaul by the new Autistic Trading Standards Agency (ATSA), sources have revealed. Inaugural head of the ATSA, Niamh Callaghan, 41, confirmed...
Autistic wedding vows shortened to brisk nod
An autistic couple who can’t bear the physical agony of expressing genuine emotions in front of others have mutually agreed to shorten their wedding vows to a brief nod. Ellie Mulligan, 30, and Jay Chester, 35, are planning to marry later this year in a...
“Permanent sense of self” autistic woman’s favourite mythical creature
An autistic woman has announced that a “permanent sense of self” is the most fantastical and intriguing mythical creature she’s ever heard of. After hearing about it in conversation, Megan Aldrich, 30, has declared the beast “significantly less believable, but even more fuckable, than a...
Hot desking really fucking up autistic woman’s ability to memorise her colleagues
An autistic woman who only has the scantest idea of what anyone looks like has been totally screwed over by her workplace’s introduction of hot desking, reports have indicated. Pippa Durham, 30, whose object permanence is so bad she once lost a game of peek-a-boo...
“It’s an accessibility tool” insists autistic man who spends life fixing errors caused by ChatGPT
An autistic man has stated that generative AI is a valuable and worthwhile tool which actually helps accessibility, despite it actually being the bane of his fucking life, reports have confirmed. Paul Shinter, 46, who has incorporated AI into every aspect of his life, from...
“Autistics cannot lie,” lie autistics
The high council of all autistics called a press conference today to announce that autistic people “definitely don’t lie”, eyewitnesses reported. Their proclamation was followed by a short delay while the members of the council laughed behind their hands and nudged each other, which they...
