“Autistics cannot lie,” lie autistics
The high council of all autistics called a press conference today to announce that autistic people “definitely don’t lie”, eyewitnesses reported. Their proclamation was followed by a short delay while the members of the council laughed behind their hands and nudged each other, which they...
Boyfriend relegated to sofa, plushies declare victory
A group of stuffed animals have declared victory over their owner’s boyfriend after successfully relegating him to the sofa, sources have reported. The ever-growing collection of plushies owned by 28-year-old Kelsey Dacey, which includes a culturally confusing haggis wearing a sombrero and an anthropomorphic graphing...
Autistic friends yet to notice they’re having two different conversations
Two hyped-up autistics have spent nearly 20 minutes breathlessly gushing about totally different topics, witnesses have reported. Ethan Stern, 25, and Ben Espenson, 23, have both been excitedly gabbling about their special interests and remain completely unaware that there’s zero overlap. The Daily Tism was...
A freak in the sheets! Autistic woman unveils sexy new Excel masterpiece
An autistic woman has created a spreadsheet she kind of low-key wants to fuck, eyewitnesses have reported. Freya Emerson, 39, who is rumoured to have a kink for conditional formatting, was keen to state that while the content of the spreadsheet was not, in itself,...
Autistic relationship ends in heartbreak over incompatible Star Trek opinions
An autistic couple have mutually ended their relationship over differing Star Trek opinions, sources have reported. Jay Chester, 35, and Ryan Wilkins, 27, were initially delighted to discover that they both loved the long running sci-fi franchise, with both partners being unable to believe their...
Faceblindness! Boy, autistic woman sure hopes woman in house is her wife
An autistic woman with faceblindness is happy to report that she’s almost 65% certain the woman currently sitting in her living room is her beloved wife. Probably. Beth Hapworth, 29, has reportedly spent the last few hours casually trying to scrutinise the face of Natasha...
Sorry, I don’t work here! Autistic man rearranging stationery aisle just for the thrill of it
An autistic man has clarified that he does not work at his local branch of TG Jones (née WH Smith), and would appreciate it if fellow customers could stop interrupting his flow while he’s enjoying time with the pens, a statement has revealed. Robert Noot, 54, who is...
Dark cosy nook delighted to see you again
The dark corner of your flat where you curl up and hide in the evening is once again looking forward to sheltering you from the bright and terrible complexities of the world, it has been reported. The Dark Cosy Nook, two, which started its life...
Autistic woman’s health issues playing delicate game of Buckaroo
An autistic woman with a complex set of health conditions is idly wondering which of them will cause a catastrophic, cascading failure like the one in a popular children’s game, sources report. Alma Montague, 37, has a lovely catchup planned with a friend, but does...
Children with autism encouraged to “Hunger Games it out” for school support
The Government has announced a bold, innovative and low-key evil approach to SEND funding for school students, the Education Secretary revealed yesterday. As part of measures to protect the nation’s most valuable resource – its money – minister Karen Hoyland, 42, announced the construction of...
