An autistic woman who habitually apologises to furniture when she accidentally bumps into it becomes a sadistic bloodthirsty monster when unleashed onto video games, sources report.

Emma Bernard, 25, who still baulks at selecting the mean dialogue options during in-game conversations, absolutely fucking loves slaughtering countless hordes when she’s got a controller in her hand. 

“If you think about it, I am actually just obeying the laws of the game. Technically I’m a rule-follower!” Bernard explained. “And come on: if I didn’t murder them, how would I use their various body parts to decorate my shield? Just a sec, haha, DIE! DIE! Sorry, where was I…”

Current favourite moves include ripping off a goblin’s arm and beating him to death with it, and then waiting until his corpse rises from the grave at night and doing the exact same thing with his skeleton. “I can’t believe the animators took time to illustrate a look of pain and betrayal in the goblin’s eyes!” she cackled. 

Bernard, a lifelong vegan who once spent six months rehabilitating a poorly woodlouse, has no compunctions about harming virtual animals. “Listen, my character needs to eat, and these baby deer are just everywhere. Did you know they turn into food if you kill them? Hahaha, I’m gonna get you, Bambi!!”

She could not be reached for further comment, as she was busy playing a video game where the entire premise is to strangle a horse. 

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