Autism researchers to begin simply peering through people’s windows
Autism researchers have decided to drop any pretence of adhering to scientific or ethical methodology and are to begin simply peering through autistic people’s windows, it has been revealed. Project leader Dr. Karen Hoyland PhD said: “There is only so much we’ve been able to…
Autistic woman “expert” at reading potato smiley faces
Despite finding it difficult to read the room at times, an autistic woman has found her niche interpreting oven potato smilies, reports have indicated. Paige Thomas, 24, from Barnsley, subsists almost entirely on a diet of potato-based frozen foods – and endeavours to understand each...
Autistic woman proud of massive poo
An autistic woman is celebrating Autistic Pride Day by telling everyone who’ll listen about this morning’s giant dump, it has been rumoured. Paige Thomas, 29, said: “It’s been a bit of a rubbish year and I was worried I wouldn’t have anything to shout about...
Autistic child’s career prospects “greatly improved” by parents posting meltdowns online
An autistic child has issued a statement thanking his parents for increasing his future employment prospects by constantly posting videos of his most vulnerable and private moments on the Internet. Finley Rice, seven, said: “My parents have been working tirelessly to build me a brand...
Father’s Day gift excited to start new life in drawer
A Father’s Day present is eager to begin a new chapter in an autistic dad’s bedside drawer, according to reports. A wooden glasses stand shaped like a nose has been the latest to join forgotten presents from previous years – including toenail clippers, a Richard...
Autistic woman reveals late dungaree diagnosis
A well-known autistic influencer has received an adult Dungaree diagnosis, she shared in a moving instagram post. Kelsey Dacey, 23, from Somewhere Down South, was diagnosed with autism two years ago – but insists this latest realisation was even more life changing. “I mean, I...
New diagnostic test to determine if you’re enough like autistic nephew
Scientists have announced that a brand-new autism scale will measure if patients are enough like this random woman’s nephew with autism. The new criteria will determine if patients sufficiently resemble six-year-old Finley Rice from Kent, who loves monster trucks and fart jokes. His aunt, Dr....
Learning your child has autism (and definitely didn’t get it from you)
It’s always tough adapting to a child’s new diagnosis. It’s especially hard if she’s in her late 20s with her own free will, and went and orchestrated the whole thing herself. Now you’ve done all the hard work of hearing about it, here’s our tried...
“Why is no one hitting on me?” asks woman who never leaves house
An autistic woman has lamented the dearth of dating opportunities in her own living room, sources have revealed. Paige Thomas, 32, who exclusively leaves her house for unavoidable medical appointments, is said to be “demoralised” by the lack of romantic interest she is receiving. Thomas...
Shock! Pleasure to have in class having terrible time, actually
A former student described as “outstanding” and “a joy to teach” hated her life during high school, it has been revealed. “Quirky” and “conscientious” teenager Mary Walker, 18, from Broughton, was predicted a string of A*s at GCSE. “We rewarded her by sitting her next...
Autistics to Highly Sensitive People: “you’re next”
Autistics have been staring at Highly Sensitive People like the bloodthirsty kids in Children of the Corn, sources have claimed. The phenomenon has grown as self-described HSPs have listed every autistic trait in the DSM-5 but have insisted they’re just empaths who absorb the spiritual...
Autistic woman requests legally binding friendship contract
An autistic woman embarking upon a new friendship has asked for the terms to be clearly dictated in a legally binding document, it has been reported. Paige Thomas, 24, agreed to an invitation for a drink after work with colleague Avery Mann, 25 – just...
“I fear for my autistic son” says mum who thinks Gary Barlow sent friend request
A woman “worried” for the future of her autistic child believes the lead singer of Take That tried to contact her on Facebook, according to reports. Tricia Squire, 66, from Elton, reportedly received a message from Barlow on Tuesday evening asking to “borrow two hundred...
