Experts warn autism acceptance may lead to actually respecting the buggers
Experts have cautioned the general public about the dangers of autism acceptance, warning that it may lead to autistic people being treated like human beings. Ffiona Maw, from the anti-disability charity Nope, and Professor Jay Chester, who rubs his hands together like a Scooby Doo…
Horse that appears in all the idioms just as confused as you are
Headline by Sara Gibbs A horse referred to in multiple idiomatic expressions doesn’t know why he’s been dragged into yet another conversation, it has been rumoured. Bramble, 18, a Dartmoor Pony, claims his ears are “constantly pricking” due to being persistently mentioned in various increasingly...
Expert! GP who did six years of medical school suggests mindful colouring
A general practitioner who went to medical school for six years now treats anxiety by prescribing a mindful colouring book and box of crayons, sources have reported. Dr. Graeme Hart, who paid almost £125k for his training, really thinks you’d benefit from scribbling on this...
Autistic woman receives Mother’s Day cards from everyone she has ever dated
An autistic woman has received an influx of Mother’s Day cards from every ex who treated her like a surrogate mother, according to sources. Siobhan Moorton, 36, has never had a child of her own – yet has helped to raise numerous adult children who...
Whoops! Autism charity inadvertently helps autistic person
An autism charity has come under fire today after accidentally helping an actual autistic person, reports have indicated. Directors at Autism Shrieks have reportedly spent an emergency meeting trying to placate their board after assistance was erroneously provided to autistic adult, Miya Wilkes, 30. In...
Autistic woman worried her mugs have realised she has a favourite
An autistic woman is facing an ethical dilemma over her preference for drinking out of one particular mug, it has been revealed. Lottie Fitzgerald, 35, from Southsea, has developed a strong attachment to a blue studio pottery mug she was given last Christmas. She reports...
Huh? Autistic woman wondering how she became centre of friend group drama
An autistic woman minding her own business has somehow become the scapegoat for friend-group beef that has absolutely nothing to do with her, it has been rumoured. Third-year Law student, Ellie Mulligan, 22, was reportedly “just trying to have a nice, chill time” when she...
Workplace sensory room perfect for wank
An autistic woman has found a sensory room at work ideal for mid-shift masturbation sessions, it has been reported. Emma Bernard, 31, from Bury, has been popping to the designated space for a bit of relief when it “all gets too much”. “This is Emma’s...
AuDHD woman who forgot to text you back a decade ago wondering if it’s too late
An AuDHD woman who forgot to reply to your message ten years ago has spent the subsequent decade deliberating over how to re-instigate contact, sources have claimed. Freya Emerson, 35, reportedly failed to respond to your casual request for a coffee as she didn’t know...
Vaccines cause autism? Autistic woman longs to jab neurotypical colleague
Despite scientific research having conclusively debunked the claim, an autistic woman is still hoping vaccines do, in fact, cause autism, it has been rumoured. Emma Bernard, 27, from Ancoats, has reportedly been seeking out a prime opportunity to inoculate allistic colleague Deborah Whitehead, 44, during...
What now? Woman completes level three of autism
An autistic woman who completed level three of autism has been left wondering what the hell comes next, sources have claimed. According to eyewitnesses, Miya Wilkes, 33, from West Ecclesfield, is “miserably twiddling her thumbs” after finishing what is supposed to be autism’s final chapter,...
Wes Streeting pledges to tackle mental health crisis with “a net and a gun”
Speaking at a press conference earlier today, the health secretary Wes Streeting announced his radical new plan to reduce government spending. Streeting, described by late journalist Dawn Foster as a “lickspittle Tory cunt”, took to the podium wearing a tweed suit, deerstalker, and carrying an...
Autistic woman in need of therapy as long as she continues having parents
An autistic woman is expected to need therapy for as long as she continues having parents, it has been reported. Ellie Mulligan, 29, has been going to therapy ever since she learned that other people don’t feel terrible all the time. Although she has made...
