Coded message? Relative buys gifts for the person she wishes you were
Your auntie Deborah has, once again, bought you a present featuring all the overly aggressive markers of femininity, despite the fact she’s met you on several occasions and – crucially – has eyes. You, 26, have never shown any interest in personal grooming, and approach…
Pahahaha! Autistic woman thinks she’s going to rise above family drama this Christmas
An autistic woman really, truly, honestly believes she’s going to stay out of whatever fuckery her family pulls this Christmas, it has been rumoured. Siobhan Moorton, 42, has done all the therapy and inner-child work and is confident that nothing her family says or does...
Red nose least of autistic reindeer’s worries
An autistic reindeer has far worse problems than his conspicuously red nose, it has been reported. Rudolph, who is several thousands of years old, sticks out like a sore thumb because of his huge shiny nose, but this reportedly pales in comparison to the pressures...
Dyspraxic woman somehow sustains third-degree burns while wrapping Christmas gifts
A dyspraxic woman has sustained multiple injuries just from wrapping her Christmas gifts, it has been revealed. Krista Shure, who has somehow made it to 33, reportedly attempted to make her gift wrapping look Pinterest-worthy after developing the creeping fear that her presents were entirely...
Christmas cracker dilemma: is the potential new fidget object worth the bang?
Christmas is a sensory hellscape at the best of times; visiting family and drinking their weird tap water that Just Doesn’t Taste Right, scratchybad festive jumpers that make you feel like you’re being squeezed to death by a large, hairy snake, and being expected to...
Human rights groups appalled as criminals sentenced to Christmas quiz on Microsoft Teams
Human rights organisations across the world have expressed outrage and dismay in the wake of a recent announcement that criminals can now be sentenced to participation in an hour-long festive quiz held over Microsoft Teams. The proposed solution to prison overcrowding was first put forward...
What constitutes “naughty”? Autistic child demands the release of Santa’s ethical guidelines
An autistic child is suspicious after the introduction of yet another reward-and-punishment system based on his compliance, sources have reported. In a statement received by his parents, Kit McGodden, four, says that he is going to need a little more evidence before he signs up...
Talented! Autistic woman forgets everything about her partner just in time for gift-buying season
An autistic woman who has adored her partner for the best part of the last decade is tragically unable to convey her affection through the medium of gifts, sources have reported. Miya Wilkes, 31, can still recite the 15-digit code on the library card that...
Deck the halls! Neighbours determined to have brighter, flashier autism than yours
Your neighbours have reportedly decided to engage in some serious one-upmanship this year by making their autism brighter and gaudier than yours. Talia and Lottie Fitzgerald, both 39, have spent the past three weeks decorating the exterior of their home with so much autism they...
Visit of beloved friend puts autistic man in three-day fight-or-flight spiral
An autistic man has been sent into an adrenaline-filled three-day fight-or-flight spiral in advance of seeing a beloved friend he has known for most of his life, sources have revealed. Noah Michaels, 43, has known his friend Ethan Stern, 44, since childhood, where they attended...
Autistic travel writer’s plans scrapped as outside world declared “awful”
An autistic travel writer has reportedly scrapped her plans to explore the world after unilaterally declaring the outside to be “just awful”. Emma Bernard, 32, sought adventure in the big wide world in an attempt to achieve her lifelong ambition of joining the fictional organisation...
Autistic woman fakes her own death to avoid receiving compliment
An autistic woman has faked her own death to escape an impeding compliment, it has been revealed. Deborah Whitehead, 40, had been braced to receive an unbearable level of praise after her partner hinted that he’d written her a heartfelt anniversary card. Believing the card...
Have a nice day? Man with PDA determined to have a horrible day, thank you very much
An autistic man with PDA has resolved to have the worst day of his life after a customer service representative told him to ‘have a nice day’, sources have revealed. Aidan Michaels, 42, had spent a gruelling half hour on the phone to a utility...
