An autistic boy already overwhelmed by his existing five senses has, horrifyingly, acquired a sixth one, it has been rumoured. 

Nine-year-old Cole Seer, who has struggled his whole life with sensory processing disorder (SPD) has now added extra-sensory processing (ESP) to his growing list of diagnoses, making him the first person to ever be diagnosed with ESPD. 

Child psychologist Malcolm Crowe commented: “Cole has autism, so not only does he experience a higher volume of apparitions, but the ghosts also bully him.”

“Unlike neurotypical children with ESP, Cole can’t just make small talk with his ghosts – he gets to the deep shit, like, real quick. Not only is he seeing dead people but he’s really SEEING them, you know?”

“Children with autism can internalise and take responsibility for the feelings of those around them. That’s especially true when those around them follow them everywhere, vomiting gruesomely until the child solves their murders.”

“I try to at least accommodate Cole in our sessions to give him a break from the constant onslaught. Dim lighting, soft seating and not a single ghost.”

Seer responded: “Uhhhh so spoiler alert…”

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