You’re welcome! “Bossy” autistic woman has planned your whole life for you
An autistic woman has taken the liberty of sketching out your next few decades, since you were not forthcoming in a recent conversation about future plans, it has been revealed. You may not have noticed that Ellie Mulligan, 35, was being sarcastic when she ended...
Family “ready to forgive you” for meltdown
Your family is reportedly prepared to forgive you after you had a meltdown that greatly inconvenienced them. An official statement from your father on the family group chat ended with “Have you calmed down yet?”, which signifies that he is ready to hear you beg...
Autistic woman’s desire for human contact thwarted by existence of humans
An autistic woman longing for human contact has had her hopes repeatedly dashed by the troublesome existence of other humans, it has been revealed. Miya Wilkes, 45, reportedly spends her evenings wishing she could be closer to other people and more involved with their lives,...
Autistic friends yet to notice they’re having two different conversations
Two hyped-up autistics have spent nearly 20 minutes breathlessly gushing about totally different topics, witnesses have reported. Ethan Stern, 25, and Ben Espenson, 23, have both been excitedly gabbling about their special interests and remain completely unaware that there’s zero overlap. The Daily Tism was...
Dying autistic man bequeaths precious collection of unread messages to his family
An autistic man nearing the end of his time on Earth has gathered his family around him to pass on his precious collection of unread messages, according to eyewitnesses. Ben Espenson, 89, has lived a long, autistic life, and has made his peace with the...
Ally! Friend’s party has specified end time
An autistic man’s friend has recently come out as an ally after specifying an end time for her upcoming birthday party, it has been reported. Talia Cohen, 34, sent out invitations to her house party with a clearly quoted finish of 10pm, so that 40-year-old...
Faceblindness! Boy, autistic woman sure hopes woman in house is her wife
An autistic woman with faceblindness is happy to report that she’s almost 65% certain the woman currently sitting in her living room is her beloved wife. Probably. Beth Hapworth, 29, has reportedly spent the last few hours casually trying to scrutinise the face of Natasha...
“So nice of you to finally join us” guarantees autistic teen will never be seen again
An autistic boy who was greeted by his family with a sarcastic “so nice of you to finally join us” is reportedly planning to spend the rest of his adolescence barricaded in his room. 15-year-old Naveed Azkhat thought he’d pop downstairs after catching a promising...
Help! Parents running out of euphemisms for undiagnosed autistic child
A couple are becoming increasingly unhinged in the language that they use to describe their daughter, who is obviously autistic but must never, ever, ever be named as such, according to sources. Becky and Lloyd Didcot, 39 and 41, feel that an autism diagnosis carries...
“This party’s a bit shit, isn’t it?”: the sexiest things you can say to your autistic partner, ranked
If you’ve got an autistic partner, chances are their raw sexual magnetism makes it hard to think about anything other than jumping their vitamin-D-deficient bones. But if you’re looking to spice things up in a way that won’t aggravate your paramour’s gut issues, The Daily...