An autistic woman is physically incapable of having even a fleeting moment of sincere emotional intimacy without immediately saying something ridiculous to ruin it all, it has been observed.
According to disgruntled sources, Ellie Mulligan, 42, followed up her first “I love you” to wife Avery Mann, 44, with “and that’s why I have to kill you” – and has since been consistently unable to express any genuine emotion without then frantically tap dancing.
Mann said: “The first time we had sex, she looked me dead in the eye and said ‘just kidding’. She’s lucky that I happen to find her brand of squirmy emotional discomfort funny and charming. It’s like getting sex AND a tight five. Which, incidentally, is what she calls her vagina.”
“It was less funny at her dad’s cremation when she surprised everyone with a slow John-Lewis-ad-style rendition of Disco Inferno. I mean no, it was hilarious – but only after the rest of the family had stopped bawling.”
Mulligan responded: “I can do it. I can totally be earnest. I just have to find that part of my personality. I think I left it up your butt.”
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