Pick your battles! Autistic person struggling to narrow it down, to be honest
An autistic person who vowed to pick their battles is reportedly frozen with indecision over which of their many important battles to let go of. Des Ackerman, 30, has spent their entire life fighting all the good fights, only to be now be told to...
Streeting orders NHS to bolster workforce with the restless souls of the dead
Headline by Sarah Amero Health secretary Wes Streeting has announced plans to bully the NHS into giving him data on the nation’s deceased in order to get them out of their eternal resting places and back into the workforce. The measures, which are reportedly as...
Autistic woman who got dressed in dark would be wearing that outfit regardless
An autistic woman asked by a colleague if she got dressed in the dark absolutely did – but that’s not why she’s wearing that, eyewitnesses have reported. Beth Hapworth, 44, reportedly arrived at her job as an events coordinator for a small conference centre dressed...
Autistic man dumped after failing to purchase piece of red cardboard
An autistic man has been dumped by his girlfriend after he neglected to buy her a red rectangle of cardboard on February 14th, it has been announced. Dexter Livingstone, 26, who also failed to obtain a bunch of dead plants wrapped in cellophane, or a...
Useless child with autism refuses to be monetised
A child with autism has selfishly refused to cooperate with his parents’ social media aspirations, according to them. Finley Rice, seven, reportedly ceases to do anything remotely interesting the second mum Karen Rice, 38, starts filming, thwarting his family’s efforts to monetise his autism. Karen...
“Come ON, man!” Predictive text trying in vain to help autistic guy out
An autistic man’s predictive text is desperately trying to help him bring the banter – or, at the very least, stop him from putting his digital foot in his digital mouth, it has been revealed. Noah Michaels, 26, who recently began online dating, has so...
Haha? Autistic woman’s “jokes” actually a cry for help
An autistic woman’s funny, funny gags are actually a desperate howl from the depths of her dark soul, her subconscious has confirmed. Olivia Buckingham, 27, regularly cracks her friends up with her edgy gallows humour – but the one person she reportedly can’t fool is...
Autistic woman who finally stood up to family ruined a “perfectly lovely picnic”
An autistic woman who finally stopped taking her family’s crap has ruined a perfectly nice day out, eyewitnesses have claimed. According to sources, nobody was upset before Emma Bernard, 36, expressed how upset she was – and now everything’s uncomfortable and we hope she’s happy....
Autistic man insists collection of holes held together by threads is “just a little worn”
Headline by John Butler A set of tattered rags loosely held together by fraying threads that no longer remotely resemble a hoodie still has “plenty of wear left”, an autistic man has claimed. Dexter Livingstone, 48, reportedly refuses to give up on the beloved garment,...
Happy new year? AuDHD man still looking for his Christmas lights
Headline by John Butler An AuDHD man who has been rummaging through his kitchen cupboards since Christmas Eve is confident his festive lights are in there somewhere and that he’ll find them any minute, eyewitnesses have said. Cameron Brereton, 35, who reportedly missed Christmas Day,...
