An AuDHD person’s usual self-medicating is set to take on a cosy autumnal vibe thanks to whichever brilliant bastard came up with pumpkin spice, it has been reported.

Eli Port, 30, has spent most of their adult life trying to soothe the savage beast inside them with caffeine and sugar, which works in a sort of volatile and shockingly easy-to-abuse way. This autumn, however, Port repeatedly plans to quell their desperate need for stimulation with a series of spice-based novelty foods.

Port said: “My brain will offer me a few hours of functioning if I bribe it with coffee; this time of year, I can at least turn it into a seasonal experience, instead of a really tragic coping mechanism.”

“I also have to snack while I work otherwise life loses all meaning and purpose, but I’ve just found out they do crisps shaped like fallen leaves. Their satisfying crunch is sure to save me from my own frontal lobe in a way that is both cute and a little bit sad!”

“Something about the combination of cinnamon, cloves and nutmeg makes me feel like I’m not at the mercy of a cruel and unfeeling god.”

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