“People with autism aren’t funny”, says man who still answers phone “wazzuppppppp?”
Autistic people have no sense of humour – according to a man who still answers the phone with a line from a 1999 Budweiser commercial. Graeme Hart, 45, made the pronouncement after seeing a poster for autistic comedian, Joe Wells, at the pub, prompting him…
Autistic woman relates to protagonist everybody else finds fucking insufferable
An autistic woman has been left feeling ashamed after identifying with the narrator of a novel that everybody else hates, it has been reported. Paige Thomas, 26, attended a local reading group last Monday evening to discuss Sally Rooney’s Conversations With Friends. She was about...
Convenient! Shop autism hours to be held annually from 1am to 2am on Mars
Autistic people everywhere are celebrating the news that supermarkets will be holding one annual quiet shopping hour just for them – just a short rocket trip from Earth. The hour, agreed upon by all leading supermarkets, will conveniently be held between one and two in...
Fraud! Autistic woman forgets to clarify she can’t speak for all autistic people
An autistic woman is under fire after unloading to colleagues about her cancelled train without first making it clear that she doesn’t speak for all autistic people, it has been reported. Recruitment consultant Paige Thomas, 27, is said to have sparked complaints to HR after...
Autistic woman mistakes shit workplace lighting for aurora borealis
An autistic woman who claimed to have seen the Northern Lights “multiple times” was actually just thinking of the ones at her open-plan office, it has been revealed. Alma Montague, 38, from Wallasey, described being confused by the excitement on social media – as spectacular...
Romance! How to plan an autistic date that’ll make the neurotypicals say “n’aaaaaaaw”
If two autistic people go on a date and no neurotypicals are around to gawk at them like they’re at a petting zoo, did it even happen? Set the mood with insipid music meant for toddlers Nothing gets two autistic adults in the mood like...
Autistic woman “pretty confident” she can perform complex brain surgery after 5th binge-watch of Grey’s Anatomy
An autistic woman has been formally asked to leave St. John’s Hospital in Lambeth after “lurking” in the reception for three days straight, following yet another rewatch of medical drama, Grey’s Anatomy. After being forcibly removed from the waiting area, Beth Hapworth, 38 – who...
Love rat! Autistic man cheats on long-term T-shirt
An autistic man’s T-shirt is devastated to discover that after five years of exclusivity, its owner has purchased a second one, sources have revealed. The black cotton T-shirt had recently celebrated five happy years with autistic man, Dexter Livingstone, 29, but was left “shocked and...
Autistic Swedish pop fan accidentally signs up for ABA
A lifelong lover of the band ABBA has mistakenly signed up for a course of Applied Behaviour Anaylsis, it has been reported. When autistic woman Paula Mulberry, 32, arrived at We Don’t Care Therapy Centre, she believed she was auditioning for an upcoming tribute band....
Hope for recently dumped autistic woman as she finally reaches ugly-sobbing-to-Taylor-Swift stage of grief
A newly dumped autistic woman’s friends have expressed optimism about her recovery, as she was overheard bawling her eyes out to the new Taylor Swift album. Paige Thomas, 25, first streamed The Tortured Poets Department LP several days after she was left by now-ex-boyfriend, Dexter...
Autistic child sent to school with egg sandwich – just to top it off
An autistic schoolgirl has been given an egg-mayonnaise sandwich to take in her packed lunch in an act some would describe as “unforgivable”, it has been reported. Mary Walker, eight, has always struggled to make friends. The only appropriate solution, her mother Paula Walker, 43,...
“Do it your fucking self!” Autistic woman fired by kitchen fitters for micromanaging the living shit out of them
In an entirely precedented turn of events, an autistic woman has been fired by a kitchen company after she tried to fit the kitchen herself. Paige Thomas, 42, hired Kitchens Kitchens More Kitchens to design and fit her kitchen, which she then failed to allow...
Wow! Autistic woman hears existential howl of meaningless universe
An autistic woman’s senses are so finely attuned that she can not only hear the buzzing of electricity in the walls, but also the perpetual background-level shriek of despair emitted by the never-ending soul-sucking void that is our universe, it has been confirmed. Paula Mulberry,...
