Boyfriend relegated to sofa, plushies declare victory
A group of stuffed animals have declared victory over their owner’s boyfriend after successfully relegating him to the sofa, sources have reported. The ever-growing collection of plushies owned by 28-year-old Kelsey Dacey, which includes a culturally confusing haggis wearing a sombrero and an anthropomorphic graphing...
Autistic woman’s various mental breakdowns neatly tracked via abandoned craft projects
An autistic woman’s many mental health crises can be charted via boxes of abandoned craft projects, it has been observed. The boxes, which have taken up permanent residence in 41-year-old Krista Shure’s spare room in lieu of friends, reportedly reveal a complex archeology of breakups,...
Betrayal! Wiki about autistic man’s special interest written by people who are not sufficiently autistic
An autistic man has been left horrified after looking online for information about his special interest, only to find that the wiki’s editors are clearly nowhere near autistic enough to satisfy his need for detail, eyewitnesses have reported. Wallace Murray, 44, has an interest in...
You’re welcome! “Bossy” autistic woman has planned your whole life for you
An autistic woman has taken the liberty of sketching out your next few decades, since you were not forthcoming in a recent conversation about future plans, it has been revealed. You may not have noticed that Ellie Mulligan, 35, was being sarcastic when she ended...
Autistic woman wants to call you out but forgot her sources
An autistic woman desperately wants to call you out but has forgotten the evidence she was going to use to absolutely school your ass, it has been reported. Mandeep Kaur, 22, reportedly wants to challenge your assertion that violent video games directly cause aggression, but...
Family “ready to forgive you” for meltdown
Your family is reportedly prepared to forgive you after you had a meltdown that greatly inconvenienced them. An official statement from your father on the family group chat ended with “Have you calmed down yet?”, which signifies that he is ready to hear you beg...
Autistic woman’s desire for human contact thwarted by existence of humans
An autistic woman longing for human contact has had her hopes repeatedly dashed by the troublesome existence of other humans, it has been revealed. Miya Wilkes, 45, reportedly spends her evenings wishing she could be closer to other people and more involved with their lives,...
Glammed-up autistic woman to revert to usual scruffiness any minute now
An autistic woman who dressed up for a glamorous work event is ready to revert to her usual unkempt appearance any minute now, it has been revealed. PR manager Chi-Young Lee, 34, has had her hair and makeup done professionally to attend an industry awards...
Autistic friends yet to notice they’re having two different conversations
Two hyped-up autistics have spent nearly 20 minutes breathlessly gushing about totally different topics, witnesses have reported. Ethan Stern, 25, and Ben Espenson, 23, have both been excitedly gabbling about their special interests and remain completely unaware that there’s zero overlap. The Daily Tism was...
Baggy clothes next best thing to nudity, say autistics
Some autistic people have succeeded in wearing clothes without having clothes anywhere near them, sources have confirmed. The revolutionary new style reportedly allows autistic people to feel as free as they day they were born, without immediately losing their actual freedom on a public indecency...
