An autistic woman who longs to be a sword-wielding fantasy heroine is afraid to use the normal knives in her kitchen, it has been rumoured.

Olivia Buckingham, 40, reportedly daydreams about being a noble paladin with an enchanted longsword, but said dreams are regularly tested by her refusal to touch the set of kitchen knives she swore she was going to learn to use.

Buckingham said: “Unfortunately, I am not under the protection of some goddess of light who enchants every swing of my blade. The closest I’ve gotten is a BA in Philosophy and a prescription for citalopram.”

“I just worry that one false move while chopping veg will land me in A&E with a finger missing. How am I going to avenge the fallen if I can’t even make a niçoise?”

Buckingham has since begun to imagine herself as a magical archer, although this was shortly abandoned after an embarrassing display at her local pub’s darts night.

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