An autistic woman’s senses are so finely attuned that she can not only hear the buzzing of electricity in the walls, but also the perpetual background-level shriek of despair emitted by the never-ending soul-sucking void that is our universe, it has been confirmed.

Paula Mulberry, 50, said: “When I was younger, I could sort of tune out the tormented wail of billions of tortured souls, but as I’ve gotten older and experienced burnout, it’s become more distracting.”

She continued: “You know how when you’re in a café, you can sort of ignore all the chatter and hubbub around you? Most people are doing that with the cacophony of existential dread all around them without even realising it.”

“Once you hear it, you can’t really unhear it. Even now, when you’re trying to ask me questions, I can barely hear you over the chorus of mournful ‘aaaaaaaaaaarghhhhhhhhs’.”

The existential howl of our chaotic, meaningless universe said: “aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaarghhhhhhhhhhhh!”

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