The high council of all autistics called a press conference today to announce that autistic people “definitely don’t lie”, eyewitnesses reported.

Their proclamation was followed by a short delay while the members of the council laughed behind their hands and nudged each other, which they assured the audience was the behaviour known as “stimming”.

Once she had stopped wiping the tears from her eyes, spokesperson Sarah Harrow, 40, explained: “Autistic scientists have discovered that we tragically lack the ‘lying’ gene, which is going to have a massive impact on all of our lives. For instance, we are now legally exempt from all ice-breakers, as we are unable to play games like Two Truths and a Lie.”

“It also means you can believe everything we tell you,” Harrow continued, shushing giggles from the rest of the panel. “So, John, I can’t babysit your kids any more in case they ask me to read them a story. We all know that the events in The Three Little Pigs didn’t happen; I won’t lie to children about architectural instability.”

Deputy chair Sabeen Bhatt, 42, interjected: “And it means you can trust in the power of my new gut health vitamins!” she announced. “Don’t forget to use my discount code GULLIBLETW4T. That’s ‘twat’ with a four. The four stands for, um, ‘fourtism’.”

In her closing statement, Harrow concluded: “Lies by omission also count. Debbie, your haircut is shit.”

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