Family “ready to forgive you” for meltdown
Your family is reportedly prepared to forgive you after you had a meltdown that greatly inconvenienced them. An official statement from your father on the family group chat ended with “Have you calmed down yet?”, which signifies that he is ready to hear you beg...
Glammed-up autistic woman to revert to usual scruffiness any minute now
An autistic woman who dressed up for a glamorous work event is ready to revert to her usual unkempt appearance any minute now, it has been revealed. PR manager Chi-Young Lee, 34, has had her hair and makeup done professionally to attend an industry awards...
Autistic person hard on themselves just in case someone else forgets to be
An autistic person is making sure to be relentlessly self-critical just in case the world ever decides to take the pressure off of them, sources have claimed. Kit McGodden, 25, is reportedly not content to allow the world to be ableist on its own, and...
“All-or-nothing” AuDHDer going for “nothing” again
An AuDHD student who describes themselves as an “all-or-nothing” person has chosen “nothing” again, eyewitnesses have claimed. Des Ackerman, 20, reportedly struggles to start assignments unless they know they can finish the whole thing in a day. However, given how difficult it is to apply...
Autistic woman’s customer service complaint riddled with apologies
An autistic woman has reportedly caused confusion after writing a customer service complaint buried in layers upon layers of apology. Niamh Callaghan, 43, says she thought long and hard about emailing a supermarket chain to complain after she found a live frog in a bag...
Multiply neurodivergent woman finally collects enough diagnoses for free dark night of the soul
A multiply neurodivergent woman has finally collected enough stamps on her diagnosis loyalty card for a free existential crisis, according to reports. Ima Onwugbenu, 29, has been diligently collecting diagnoses ever since she was diagnosed with autism. She has since amassed a variety of acronyms...
Autistic man’s nervous system perfect for combat, horrible for filing tax return
An autistic man’s physiological makeup makes him ideal for hand-to-hand combat but not for everyday tasks like telling the government about money he’s already spent, it has been reported. Yuichi Suzuki, 39, experiences a surge of adrenaline whenever he sees the blue GOV.UK banner, which...
Steal her look! Autistic woman throws makeup in general direction of face and prays
An autistic woman’s makeup routine is held together solely by concealer and prayers, according to rumours. Freya Emerson, 25, was reportedly never taught how to do her makeup, nor can she seem to retain anything useful from makeup tutorials other than “start by looking like...
“I don’t stim” says autistic woman who hasn’t unclenched her jaw since 1993
An autistic woman who claims she does not stim has not stopped gnashing her teeth since the first Clinton inauguration, it has been revealed. 42-year-old Olivia Buckingham claims that she has never felt the need to self-regulate, although she reportedly acknowledges that 33 years is...
Animal shelter social media account simultaneously responsible for autistic woman’s happiness and misery
An Instagram account run by an animal rescue centre has been credited with an autistic woman’s sole happiness on this Earth and also blamed for her enduring misery, according to sources. The rescue centre, which takes in cats, dogs and other assorted Little Guys, regularly...
