Autistic man’s nervous system perfect for combat, horrible for filing tax return
An autistic man’s physiological makeup makes him ideal for hand-to-hand combat but not for everyday tasks like telling the government about money he’s already spent, it has been reported. Yuichi Suzuki, 39, experiences a surge of adrenaline whenever he sees the blue GOV.UK banner, which...
Steal her look! Autistic woman throws makeup in general direction of face and prays
An autistic woman’s makeup routine is held together solely by concealer and prayers, according to rumours. Freya Emerson, 25, was reportedly never taught how to do her makeup, nor can she seem to retain anything useful from makeup tutorials other than “start by looking like...
“I don’t stim” says autistic woman who hasn’t unclenched her jaw since 1993
An autistic woman who claims she does not stim has not stopped gnashing her teeth since the first Clinton inauguration, it has been revealed. 42-year-old Olivia Buckingham claims that she has never felt the need to self-regulate, although she reportedly acknowledges that 33 years is...
Animal shelter social media account simultaneously responsible for autistic woman’s happiness and misery
An Instagram account run by an animal rescue centre has been credited with an autistic woman’s sole happiness on this Earth and also blamed for her enduring misery, according to sources. The rescue centre, which takes in cats, dogs and other assorted Little Guys, regularly...
Ally! Friend’s party has specified end time
An autistic man’s friend has recently come out as an ally after specifying an end time for her upcoming birthday party, it has been reported. Talia Cohen, 34, sent out invitations to her house party with a clearly quoted finish of 10pm, so that 40-year-old...
“Reduce your stress levels” revealed to be medical profession’s sick idea of a joke
A whistleblower has reportedly revealed that “reduce your stress levels” is nothing more than a cruel in-joke among doctors. According to the anonymous source, medical professionals enjoy flippantly suggesting to patients that they should just consider being less stressed because they know that literally everyone...
“So nice of you to finally join us” guarantees autistic teen will never be seen again
An autistic boy who was greeted by his family with a sarcastic “so nice of you to finally join us” is reportedly planning to spend the rest of his adolescence barricaded in his room. 15-year-old Naveed Azkhat thought he’d pop downstairs after catching a promising...
Escalator-averse dyspraxic woman would rather take her chances abseiling
A dyspraxic woman has decided to traverse her local shopping centre with thrilling feats of derring-do rather than attempt to board an escalator, according to eyewitnesses. Sabeen Bhatt, 29, reportedly cannot cope with the vertiginous, fast-moving, corrugated stairs of doom that other people seem to...
Things begin to look up for autistic woman after shop assistant calls her “love”
An autistic woman has reportedly realised that everything is going to be okay after an older woman working in a shop called her “love”. Karen Hoyland, 36, was feeling like a swamp gremlin until she walked into a cake shop staffed by 60-year-old Alma Montague,...
BREAKING: Other people don’t feel sick before leaving the house
An investigation by The Daily Tism has found that other people do not feel genuinely and profoundly sick at the thought of having to go out. According to our sources, suddenly feeling ill before you have to embark on plans you made is rarely experienced...
