The group dinner plan you were looking forward to is going to be dominated by mouth sounds of people you thought you could trust, it has been rumoured.

You reportedly had no reason to believe this dinner wouldn’t be perfectly pleasant, but because you’re in a house with no restaurant ambience and no music, you now know what the inside of all your friends’ mouths sound like and subsequently have begun to wish them ill.

Jack Harrington, 32, has just asked you a genuinely thoughtful and stimulating question, but because 28-year-old Ethan Stern is chewing next to you like his mouth is made of Wet, all your brain can summon up are notions of violent retribution.

You answered: “Mm, yeah, no, I think a big part of my childhood was the fear of shoving Ethan’s face into a plate of cauliflower – I mean, failure.”

Stern seemingly failed to notice the comment as he was about to break the sound barrier.

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