The only friend an autistic person has at a party they are both attending is about to cruelly leave them to fend for themselves, according to eyewitnesses.

Kit McGodden, 31, only came to the party on the promise that Brenda Hernández, also 31, wouldn’t let them flounder unattended. Now, Hernández has announced her intention to use the facilities, the social equivalent of leaving McGodden naked in the wilderness with only a blunt shard of flint to defend themselves.

“What am I supposed to do now?” McGodden hissed. “I can’t carry a conversation without an unwitting neurotypical chaperone to step in and rescue me from humiliation!”

“The best I can do is plaster this rictus grin to my face, nod along every half-second to whatever is being said, which I can’t properly hear anyway over all the overlapping background conversations, and hope a ‘Wow’ will suffice as a reply.”

Hernández eventually returned after a thousand years, which she claims was “Only two minutes.”

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