An autistic person who has no issue living in an abode with a malevolent spirit reportedly quails at the thought of entering the Big Tesco.

Jay Chester, 45, who is unbothered by nightly disturbances, objects flying around their room and horrifying threats being daubed on their walls in blood, conversely believes the overwhelming superstore will lead to their untimely demise.

Chester’s poltergeist, 357, explained: “I’ve done everything I can to drive Jay out of my home. Nothing works. I emanate a sudden ghostly chill and Jay calls it ‘otherworldly aircon.’ I levitate Jay and they actually seem to sleep better. I possess Jay and turn their head all the way around and they say they’re hypermobile and it’s just another Tuesday.”

“What’s a ghost got to do? I can’t fit the house with fluorescent lighting, crowds of strangers and an overwhelming selection of everyday products. I tried doing inconvenient ‘quiet’ hours where I laid off the haunting, but Jay just took a nap.”

Chester commented: “Hey, poltergeist – if you’re not doing anything during your quiet hour, would you mind nipping out to the Big Tesco for me?”

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