An autistic woman who studiously avoids developing parasocial relationships with human public figures has fallen madly in love with a rescue kitten on Instagram, concerned sources have reported. 

Sara Gibbs, 39, is a writer who understands all too well the hazards of becoming over-familiar with someone you’ve never met – but if anything happens to precious baby Herbert, three months, one week, two days, she will burn her own house down. She’s not even kidding. 

Gibbs explained: “I first came across Herbert via one of the 7,284 kitten foster Insta accounts I follow, @malpluscats and immediately fell in love with how he looks like a piece of fluff that’s been plucked out of the hoover and is fully mad about it.”

“Then as I got to know him better (watched every single video of him several times) his friendly little personality started to shine through, which, being at odds with his grumpy squishy face, just made me love him with a weird ferocity I imagine people feel about their own human kids.”

“Herbert is a Persian cat who was surrendered by his unethical breeder to his foster daddy Mallory, like something out of a spy movie. I was desperately worried when for a full month, he didn’t gain any weight and Mallory didn’t think he’d make it,” Gibbs added, refreshing her Instagram feed. “But then some snuggles from a bigger cat named Georgie really turned him around. Now I check in first thing every day to see what the little chonk weighs, before I even check if my husband is still alive.”

“The other day Herbie had a two-pound party. There was cake. Not for him, for me. Long live Chonkbert! Excuse me I have to go cry. And buy some Herbert merch. But mainly cry.”

Herbert commented: “I’m concerned about this woman. Someone needs to gently tell her to go outside.”

Image by Mallory Brooks

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