An autistic woman who can predict complex sociological behaviours based on historical patterns is mysteriously unable to turn this ability on her boyfriend.

Paige Thomas, 28, can analyse large amounts of data to perfectly predict wars, elections and winners of Strictly. 

Yet despite boyfriend Dexter Livingstone’s shortcomings, Thomas remains optimistic that his crap behaviours are out of character.

Thomas said: “He never compliments me, it’s hard to pin him down to spend time together – and for my birthday, he got me a travel spork. But it’s probably just me being too needy.”

“He’s not actively horrible,” Thomas rushed to explain. “Sometimes he’s so great to me. Like when I’m listening to him, laughing at his jokes and repressing my true feelings.”

”My friends all call him That Pillock,” she said, quietly. “But they’d like him if they got to know him.”

“Seriously, Dexter isn’t always like this. It’s just a one-off bad day. This is an extraordinary 208th one off in a row, so statistically, tomorrow HAS to be a good one.”

Sources later spotted Livingstone in the ready meal aisle at Marks & Spencer, having forgotten he and Thomas were meeting up. 

Like what you’ve read so far? Make us your new special interest! Help us grow The Daily Tism by sharing our articles, following us on InstagramXBluesky  and Facebook and subscribing to our Patreon for exclusive content that’ll have your neurotypical family saying “I’m not sure I’m the target audience”.