An autistic man is dreading an upcoming trip to the pub after practising in the mirror went ominously well, it has been rumoured.

Ryan Wilkins, 38, has been on edge about the upcoming casual beer with his university friend, Lucas Fletcher, 39, since they put the date in the diary three weeks ago – which Wilkins has listed in his iPhone calendar as “opening night”.

The seamless dry run has only compounded this anxiety. “Everything went perfectly.” Wilkins said. “I remembered to ask how his boring life is going. I memorised all three of his kids’ names. I even threw in a jocular ‘mate’, as an extra flourish. But you know what they say: if the dress rehearsal goes well, the performance itself is fucked.”

“It’s a cardinal rule,” he continued from the Crown and Anchor – which he kept calling “the stage”. “Like not saying Macbeth in a theatre. Oh for fuck’s sake, now I’ve said Macbeth.”

Fletcher commented: “Oh shit, is that tonight? I haven’t thought about it at all.”

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