Autistic person who doesn’t normally go for conspiracy theories approves of Starmer’s plan to dim sun
An autistic person who would usually be the first to debunk conspiracy theories would actually be curious to hear more about Keir Starmer’s plan to dim the sun, sources have claimed. Neuroscientist Jay Chester, 38, is reportedly quick to point out the logical flaws inherent…
Photo of solemn Victorian child revealed to be autistic girl at school disco
A recently uncovered image previously believed to have been taken in 1863 was actually captured at a British primary-school disco in 2003, experts have announced. The image, initially thought to be of a sickly Victorian child, actually depicts then-seven-year-old autistic girl Freya Emerson, reportedly...
Dentists weigh in: “You’re autistic because you don’t floss”
Dentists have spoken out against the myth that vaccines cause autism, instead claiming that a lack of flossing is to blame. Eli Port, 43, made the connection when they realised that none of their autistic patients were regular flossers – and swiftly published a paper...
Autistic woman who’s never tried drinking water really grateful for your input
An autistic woman is really grateful for your unsolicited advice and cannot wait to solve all her problems by just drinking some water, sources have revealed. Sarah Harrow, 39, has never tried to hydrate her autism away, but you, being the angel that you are,...
Autism assessment mostly based on vibes, admits therapist
Your autism assessor diagnosed you the second you walked into her office, tearfully fidgeting with your neon pink hair, it has been rumoured. Clinical psychologist Tricia Squire, 45, has admitted that she took one look at your whole deal and was like “well, let’s go...
Romanticist? This autistic woman just applied for disability benefits
An autistic woman who applied for a government disability benefit is trying not to think about the fact the very idea is just a stab in the dark, reports have confirmed. Miya Wilkes, 33, from Walton, fantasises about having her lifelong struggles affirmed by a...
AuDHD woman simultaneously unstoppable force and immovable object
An AuDHD woman would make a groundbreaking contribution to the world if she were able to do anything at all, it has been reported. Sabeen Bhatt, 30, has mentally computed the answer to a previously unsolved physics problem, but, after 40 minutes of being stuck...
Autistic man wants you to know how sorry he is for the “man” part
An autistic man wishes to make it very clear to you that he is very, very, sorry that he’s a man, and for men in general, according to a statement released today. The statement, issued by Robert Noot, 46, after his friend Paige Thomas, 39,...
Cat records chart-topping album of autistic owner’s little songs
A cat has become one of the world’s best-selling musical artists overnight, after secretly recording his owner while she sang about him. Marmaduke, six, is reported to have been the subject of near constant vocal stimming by Ellie Mulligan, 32. In response, Marmaduke concealed a...
Autistic woman wins prize for recycling better than anyone ever
An autistic woman has won a special prize for being fastidious when sorting out the recycling, sources have revealed. Freya Emerson, 33, was awarded the East Moorwood Borough Council Prize for Excellence in Recycling and Careful Removal of Sellotape. She received a £10 book token...
Autistic woman suspects baby didn’t actually write in her birthday card
An autistic woman has begun to question whether her eight-month-old nephew actually wrote a message in her birthday card, it has been reported. The message addressed to Karen Hoyland, 25, reads, “Happy birthday Aunty Karen! Lots of love from Finley”. Despite his father’s insistence, Hoyland...
Autistic woman’s spiky learning profile actually more of a stump
An autistic woman who claimed to have a “spiky learning profile” has clarified it’s technically more of a stump, according to reports. Emma Bernard, 29, from Bury, was labelled as “creatively gifted” during her schooling not due to her unique and original talent for the...
Autistic woman’s awkward phase enters 30th year
An autistic woman’s awkward phase has encompassed her entire life to date, it has been revealed. 30-year-old Beth Hapworth reportedly expected to grow out of her period of dodgy haircuts, embarrassing style experiments and responding to everything by saying “fab-a-roo”, but despite being an adult...
