Autistic travel writer’s plans scrapped as outside world declared “awful”
An autistic travel writer has reportedly scrapped her plans to explore the world after unilaterally declaring the outside to be “just awful”. Emma Bernard, 32, sought adventure in the big wide world in an attempt to achieve her lifelong ambition of joining the fictional organisation…
Autistic woman fakes her own death to avoid receiving compliment
An autistic woman has faked her own death to escape an impeding compliment, it has been revealed. Deborah Whitehead, 40, had been braced to receive an unbearable level of praise after her partner hinted that he’d written her a heartfelt anniversary card. Believing the card...
Have a nice day? Man with PDA determined to have a horrible day, thank you very much
An autistic man with PDA has resolved to have the worst day of his life after a customer service representative told him to ‘have a nice day’, sources have revealed. Aidan Michaels, 42, had spent a gruelling half hour on the phone to a utility...
Serving suggestion! Undiagnosed ADHD pairs perfectly with diagnosed depression
An autistic expert in co-occurring conditions has recommended undiagnosed ADHD as the ideal gourmet pairing for a diagnosis of depression, it has been reported. Comorbidity sommelier Sabheen Bhatt, 30, recommends the ADHD you’re pretty sure you have as an accompaniment to the depression you absolutely...
RFK who? Autistics announce plans to live best lives out of sheer spite
Autistic people have unveiled their plans to live the longest and happiest lives they possibly can out of sheer spite toward fascist losers with literal worms for brains. In a statement released today, the world’s autistic population explained that the more these couch-fucking, dog-barbecuing, anus-mouthed...
“In my villain era” says autistic woman who cries at first sign of conflict
An autistic woman who claims she has entered her badass, no-nonsense “villain era” actually bursts into tears at the first indication someone is less than pleased with her, according to sources. Chi-Young Lee, 29, swore to her friends that she was going to stop caring...
Autistic woman’s enamel pin badges unionise
An autistic woman’s ever-growing collection of enamel pin badges has reportedly formed a union to protest against poor working conditions and overcrowding. Abeer Zaki, 24, claims she is “obsessed” with buying quirky badges whenever she attends a convention or shops online, reportedly stemming from her...
Streeting nervously twirling telephone cord hoping RFK Jr will finally return his calls
Wes Streeting is currently waiting by the phone hoping fellow health secretary Robert Francis Kennedy Jr has finally noticed what a special little evil boy he is, according to political sources. Streeting, whose Wikipedia page falsely asserts he was born “in 1983” instead of “yesterday”,...
Period surprises autistic woman for 167th time in a row
The world’s most regular period has maliciously snuck up on an autistic woman with absolutely no warning for the 167th month in a row, sources have claimed. Sabeen Bhatt, 26, has been feeling bloated, cranky and inexplicably miserable over the course of the last week,...
Autistic man needs to be right in ways that matter least
An autistic man desperately needs to be factually correct about things nobody else gives a shit about, his loved ones have reported. Ben Espenson, 38, reportedly has the option to simply let small things go, but instead chooses to insist he’s right about inane nonsense...
Dyspraxic autistic woman visiting your home totally meant to walk into the airing cupboard
A dyspraxic autistic woman has confirmed that she absolutely, definitely intended to make a quick trip to your airing cupboard instead of the upstairs loo, eyewitnesses have said. Alma Montague, 41, who has visited your home no fewer than seven times now, finished her second...
Autistic woman can have work or dignity but not both
An autistic woman whose government is desperate for her to experience the “dignity of work” cannot experience “dignity” and “work” at the same time, it has been claimed. Megan Aldrich, 30, works full time in an attempt to avoid starving to death, but is forced...
Autistic woman left at the altar just glad she’s got the afternoon free now
An autistic woman who has been left at the altar at her wedding is quietly relieved to have the time back, according to witnesses. Talia Cohen, 34, was jilted by her husband-to-be Gavin Monks, 34, after he revealed he had been having second thoughts. Cohen...
