Teenager aghast as mum’s autistic superpower is being even more embarrassing than a regular mum
A teenage girl is utterly mortified that her autistic mother continues to be all sorts of weird and sometimes even has the audacity to leave the house, sources have confirmed. Avery Mann, 14, insists that Sarah Mann, 47, walk six paces behind her in the…
Exposed! Autism satire site’s “merch” actually cunning plan to turn fans into human billboards
A satire website by and for autistic people has launched a new line of merchandise, revealed to be an elaborate scam to enlist fans to unwittingly act as human advertisements and pay for the privilege. An exposé of The Daily Tism by The Daily Tism...
Murderous motel owner bored waiting for AuDHD woman to get in the shower already
A motel owner who plans to murder his AuDHD guest while she showers is growing tired of waiting for her to actually get in the shower, it has been revealed. Norman Bates, 40, has assumed the persona of his dead mother and procured a big...
Autistic woman’s horror movie night ruined by watching horror movie
An autistic woman’s horror movie night has been wrecked by the utterly terrifying film she chose to put on, for reasons she can’t quite remember now she’s close to pissing herself in terror, it has been revealed. Brenda Hernández, 27, reportedly thought it would be...
Autistic woman who names inanimate objects only refers to brother as “that guy”
An autistic woman who gives human names to just about every non-human item that she encounters cannot bring herself to use the actual names of her closest family members, sources have revealed. Emma Bernard, 37, prefers to address her loved ones simply as “you over...
Autistic woman who let guard down about Toilet Monster for one second immediately gets gotted
A 39-year-old autistic woman who finally accepted that the Toilet Monster wasn’t real unwittingly gave it the opportunity to reach its scaly hand up, grab her hair and suck her down into a sewage-filled Hades, authorities have confirmed. Avery Mann, who has taken every possible...
Autistic man only comfortable dressed in ritually hollowed-out bear
An autistic man stuffed into a bear’s body as a human sacrifice is reportedly relieved at finally having found something comfortable to wear. Christian Wheatley, 25, has already been subjected to several eye-opening experiences at the rural Swedish midsummer festival he is attending with his...
The Woman in Black? Autistic goth unwittingly scares bejeezus out of Daniel Radcliffe
The actor Daniel Radcliffe has reportedly had the ever-living shite scared out of him by a mysterious woman in black who turned out to be an autistic goth minding her own business. Paige Thomas, 28, who was waiting for the 11.15 train to Riddlesdown when...
AuDHD woman’s unread messages beating damningly under floorboards
An auDHD woman is being tortured by the tell-tale sound of her countless unread notifications pinging underneath the floorboards, it has been reported. Navya Randhawa, 30, knows her emails, texts and direct messages have been piling up for weeks, but anxiety and distraction have conspired...
AuDHD man who will die in seven days unless he makes copy of tape had a pretty good run, to be fair
An auDHD man who watched a creepy videotape and then received a voicemail informing him that he would die in seven days unless he made a copy has reportedly resigned himself to the inevitable. Yuichi Suzuki, 48, has added “make copy of haunted video” to...
Autistic Jack Torrance goes crazy due to all play and no work
An autistic writer has become severely mentally unwell, as the peaceful, quiet, work environment he was promised has turned out to be an overstimulating social whirl which has prevented him from getting any work done on his manuscript. Jack Torrance, 30, a former teacher turned...
Scientist’s attempt at creating sentient life backfires: “Oh, crap, I made him autistic”
A scientist’s attempt at playing God has gone awry after the man he reanimated turned out to be autistic, it has been revealed. Victor Frankenstein, 40, had managed to create life in the form of a grotesque humanoid figure, but realised he’d celebrated too early...
Hereditary! Autism picks off family one by one
An alleged curse has seen each member of a family realising they are autistic in turn, sources have claimed. Following the death of family matriarch Lottie Fitzgerald, her son Lloyd, Lloyd’s wife Talia and their children, Noah and Kelsey, have been led to suspect she...
