Breaking: DSM-5 hastily updated to account for Gregg Wallace’s underpants
In breaking news, the DSM-5 has been updated in the last 24 hours to include plausible deniability for Gregg Wallace, specifically. The manual, used by psychologists to diagnose a range of conditions and neurodivergences, previously mentioned that autistic people can experience sensory issues – but…
Autistic woman unable to start conversations discovers talent for bringing them to a screeching halt
An autistic woman who struggles to start conversations has discovered a talent for bringing them to an abrupt and uncomfortable end, sources have said. Paige Thomas, 44, never knows what to say when speaking to friends and family, but, once she finally works up the...
Inclusive! Workplace happy to offer any adjustments except ones you asked for
Your employer is proud to be able to offer a range of reasonable adjustments – that is, apart from the few you had the audacity to request, according to reports. In a statement issued today, the company commented: “Nothing is too much trouble – except...
Autistic woman feels like Sylvanian Family hamster stranded in Barbie World
An autistic woman’s experience is akin to being an anthropomorphic animal figurine that’s found itself living in a perfect pink world in Malibu against its will, sources have revealed. Paige Thomas, 32, reportedly feels confused as to why she’s unwillingly found herself in a kingdom...
Autism very trendy these days, says woman who doesn’t watch the news
A woman who has no idea what’s going on in the world believes you’re pretending to be autistic for the street cred, it has been discovered. Tricia Squire, 63, from Florida, thinks young people are diagnosing themselves for the instant popularity she believes autism commands...
Advertorial: Whaaat? This cishet autistic white dude with beard actually has Edinburgh show worth seeing
A cisgender, heterosexual autistic white guy with a beard has wowed commentators by having an Edinburgh Fringe show that people actually want to go and see on purpose, it has been claimed. Do Zombies Dream of Undead Sheep? is performed by The Woodlouse, whose stage name conveniently sounds...
Autistic person successfully ignores bladder for another hour of scrolling
An autistic person has successfully managed to ignore their bladder so they can scroll pointlessly for one more hour, according to sources. Navya Randhawa, 40, desperately needed the bathroom approximately 30 minutes ago. Instead of relieving themselves, they have been continuously refreshing Instagram in the...
Interrogation of autistic man “entirely unnecessary” concede captors
An autistic man kidnapped by a criminal gang will tell you anything you want to know, and also many things you don’t want to know, without being subjected to torture, his captors have revealed. Ryan Wilkins, 40, who was captured in the dead of night...
Autistic woman masks flawlessly as portrait in her attic grows increasingly haggard
An autistic woman is reportedly so good at masking she is frequently mistaken for a neurotypical – while the monstrous portrait in her attic withers and decays at an alarming rate. Mary Walker, 33, nods and smiles in all the right places, says yes to...
Amazing! This neurotypical woman can assess your support needs from just your profile picture
A non-autistic woman has wowed experts with her uncanny ability to decipher exactly how disabled you are based solely on your online presence. Karen Hoyland, 48, only has to glance at your profile image and a handful of posts in order to declare you “very...
Workplace diversity initiative promotes just fully kissing autistic people on the mouth
A workplace diversity initiative aims to support autistic employees by giving them a massive snog, it has been reported. SMH, who optimise workflow solutions to maximise stakeholder value through data-driven KPIs, announced the new scheme to make autistic colleagues feel appreciated. Once per day, autistic...
Chosen! Safest-looking colleague at team meeting receives staring of a lifetime
The colleague in your team meeting who happens to have the most sympathetic face is about to be stared at so intensely they will likely conclude that you’re in love with them, it has been announced. Miya Wilkes, 34, whose eyes positively twinkle with empathy...
Bystanders traumatised after autistic woman asked “what’s the worst that can happen?”
Bystanders have reportedly been left “traumatised” after overhearing an autistic woman answering the question “what’s the worst that can happen?” The question, which was reportedly intended to be rhetorical, was answered in harrowing detail by Sabeen Bhatt, 46, who began by describing every possible calamity...
