I’m just like Matilda, says autistic woman who can’t add up
An autistic woman has claimed to “deeply relate” to Roald Dahl’s Matilda – despite still having to count on her fingers. Freya Emerson, 26, from Beeston, Cheshire, declares that she “really sees herself” in Mara Wilson’s portrayal, because: “She was a child prodigy. As was…
Autistic woman conducts forensic investigation into why you’re mad at her
An autistic woman plans to leave no stone unturned in her investigation into why you were a bit off with her, it has been claimed. Sarah Harrow, 25, couldn’t help but notice you seemed a bit short with her and has attributed this change in...
Sporty autistic begins life in exile
An autistic person who recently started exercising by choice has been cast out by their own people, according to reports. Freya Emerson, 31, from Cheetham, made the shock decision to “take up jogging” three months ago in the hope that it would “really help with...
“People with autism take everything literally” claims man who doesn’t know what “literally” means
People with autism will believe literally anything you tell them, a man who doesn’t understand the meaning of the word “literally” has said. Graeme Hart, 31, who claims to know “literally hundreds of people with autism” has observed that “literally all of them” have no...
Nation to receive emergency alert if autistic woman plans to apologise
The government is set to test a national emergency message that will alert the public if an autistic woman plans to apologise to them for no reason. Emma Bernard, 41, has previously sprung “awkward and unnecessary” apologies on friends, colleagues and passers by, with no...
Autistic woman reveals early exit from sleepover was due to “liking own bed”
An autistic woman has confessed to leaving a sleepover in 2007 due to preferring to sleep in her own bed, sources have confirmed. Paige Thomas, from Liverpool, who was 12 at the time, said: “I pretended that my parents were worried. In actual fact, I’d...
Autistics to host Trauma Olympics
Excitement is building worldwide as autistic people everywhere begin the countdown to hosting the Trauma Olympics. The games, which rely on contestants getting the lowest possible scores, will see autistic people compete to ultimately see who is the most traumatised. Spokesperson for autistic people, Paige...
AuDHD person to spend lovely five minutes with new AirPods
An auDHD person has announced plans to spends a blissful five minutes with their new AirPods before they disappear forever. Eddie Albington, 38, paid £129 for the microscopically tiny headphones that aren’t attached to anything in what sources are calling “a fit of optimism.” Friend...
Study suggests autism can be reversed by just shoving kids back up there
Autism can be reversed by simply turning around and re-entering the womb, a new study has revealed. The study, conducted on triplets in America, discovered that autism could become “reduced to an indistinguishable level” if children with autism are willing to go through what researchers...
This autistic woman copes by pretending she’s in a Jacqueline Wilson novel
An autistic woman coped with the woes of growing up by escaping into the woes of other children, it has been revealed. Sarah Harrow, 29, from Merseyside, adored Wilson’s children’s books from a young age. She confessed: “I read them for the reason people listen to...
Autistic woman “not qualified” to diagnose own personality, say experts
A woman who identifies with every element of the autistic experience based on a lifetime of living in her own brain and body is “not qualified” to say she’s actually autistic, experts have claimed. Paige Thomas, 38, who has extreme sensory aversions, is exhausted by...
Autistic person unsure when they became office therapist
An autistic person is unsure when it became standard practice for their colleagues to come to their office for a good cry, sources have confirmed. Paige Thomas, 29, had initially thought their admin job entailed admin-related tasks – but quickly discovered they were wrong. They...
Autistic woman disappears into T-shirt after receiving compliment
Concerns are growing for the well-being of an autistic woman who hasn’t been seen since she received a glowing compliment last week, emergency services have said. Barista Beth Hapworth, 22, claimed to receive the compliment while on shift at an independent coffee shop in Manchester,...
