Neurotypicals unable to accept spooky season is over fill sky with jump scares
Non-autistic people already missing spooky season have reportedly decided to extend it by filling the sky with terrifying, unpredictable jump scares and calling them “fireworks”. Neurotypical spokesperson, Karen Hoyland, 54, explained: “Spooky season is traditionally understood to be an autistic custom, but that’s actually a…
Autistic woman enters marriage of convenience with takeaway delivery driver
An autistic woman has entered into an advantageous marriage with the man who delivers her thrice-weekly takeaways, it has been revealed. Chi-Young Lee, 24, chose 30-year-old Aidan Michaels as her suitor after he became her personal knight in shining armour, riding in on his motorbike...
AuDHD woman’s driving lesson looming on horizon like macabre spectre of death
An AuDHD woman was forced to reckon with the transience of existence this morning when she remembered halfway through brushing her teeth that she has a driving lesson in three days, it has been rumoured. Christine Smout, 24, reportedly felt her blood run cold and...
Autistic woman dismayed to discover exercise really does help
An autistic woman is reportedly devastated after discovering that her doctor was right and that exercising is genuinely really good for you. Siobhan Moorton, 39, thought she was being fobbed off every time her GP suggested regular exercise to improve her physical and mental wellbeing....
New autism assessment criteria for girls to just ask about imaginary horse
Researchers have developed a new assessment tool designed to detect autism in girls and women, correcting decades of gender imbalance in the diagnostic process, it has been announced. Clinicians will be able to identify female autism in mere seconds by posing one simple question: “Do...
Seasonal life hack! Give sweets to strangers and they fuck off
The secret to deterring trick-or-treaters is simple, delicious bribery, one autistic scientist has claimed. For the last four years, Dr. Freya Emerson has been researching the prevention and treatment of unwanted visitors. She explained: “My home is my sanctuary. I don’t even let my best...
Casually dressed autistic woman not sure why everyone’s complimenting her on her Halloween costume
An autistic woman wearing her usual everyday clothes cannot understand why everyone thinks she’s wearing a Halloween costume, according to sources. Emma Bernard, 35, left the house in what she thought was normal seasonal attire, but everyone she has encountered so far has praised her...
Chilling! This autistic person’s Halloween costume is neurotypical man
An autistic man has raised the terror stakes this Halloween with a costume that friends have described as “genuinely horrifying”. Gavin Monks, 26, reportedly eschewed traditional Halloween fancy-dress options in favour of a costume he claimed would be “sure to strike fear and dread into...
Carrie? Autistic woman left terrified after watching horror movie called Sex and the City 2
An autistic woman who thought she was sitting down for a long-overdue viewing of the 1976 adaptation of Carrie – or at the very least, the 2013 version – has reportedly been left traumatised after accidentally watching “chilling” horror movie, Sex and the City 2....
Alien vs. Predator just autistic woman’s dating history
An autistic woman has no desire to watch 2004’s Alien vs. Predator, as she has already lived the entire saga in her own romantic life, it has been confirmed. Krista Shure, 32, has no idea what the actual film is about, but does know what...
Autistic man’s ADHD threatening to take over like Mr. Hyde
An autistic man’s ADHD is threatening to take over and turn him evil, it has been rumoured. Henry Jekyll, 50, is said to be a well-respected doctor and all-round top bloke, even if he never shows up to work drinks and can’t stop talking about...
Witchfinder General now qualified as autism assessor
A Witchfinder General has reportedly revealed he is now qualified to diagnose autism – without having undergone any additional training. Lucas Fletcher, 52, has been commended for the speed and accuracy of his assessments, working faster than most psychologists; he routinely sees over 50 patients...
Autistic woman doesn’t know how to tell boyfriend she wants to wear his skin without it sounding weird
An autistic woman overwhelmed with love for her boyfriend isn’t sure how to express that love without sounding like Hannibal Lecter, sources have said. Abeer Zaki, 28, loves Cameron Brereton, 32, more than life itself, but no words seem sufficient to tell him how much...
