Non-autistics celebrate most wonderful time of year with worst pudding imaginable
Neurotypicals have once more opted to celebrate a cherished day in the winter calendar with a dessert option unanimously thought to be revolting, it has been announced. For reasons nobody can make sense of, a disgusting dense sphere made of dried fruit and candied peel…
Autistic person can’t wrap for shit
Despite their best efforts, an autistic person has concluded they can’t wrap for shit, it has been announced. Freya Emerson, 31, from Atherton, has spent the last five-and-a-half hours despairing on the bedroom carpet while trying to wrap a giant Lindt ball – with minimal...
Autistic man accused of being “a real Scrooge” just burned out from socialising with ghosts
An autistic man accused of ruining Christmas by being “a real Scrooge” has simply used all his social energy on interactions with three weirdly intense ghosts, it has been confirmed. Ben Espenson, 35, had intended to make an effort with his extended family over Christmas...
Neurotypicals to embrace rigid routines known as “traditions”
Non-autistic people worldwide are due to collectively engage in a series of worrying rituals known as “Christmas traditions”, according to reports. Despite your family’s apparent concern about how much you love Legend of Zelda, it’s about to be socially acceptable to fixate on nothing but...
That’s the Jingle Bell Rock! Autistic woman just trying to regulate
In the spirit of Christmas, an autistic woman has commenced her favourite form of stimming – known as “the jingle bell rock”. Natasha Weaving, 29, has been moving her body back and forth in a repetitive, self-soothing motion since her extended family arrived 12 hours...
Racist, sexist, homophobic aunt reveals she’s branching out into ableism this Christmas
A racist, sexist and homophobic aunt has announced plans to branch out into ableism in time for Christmas, according to sources. Alma Montague, 46, realised that her bigoted tirades at family gatherings
were excluding her autistic niece, 17 year-old Freya Emerson. In
preparation for Christmas...
Festive dating! Autistic woman finds unhealthy father figure to replicate trauma with
A straight autistic woman who seeks out unhealthy father figures in her romantic life has found the perfect jolly, yet mercurial older man to trigger her complex PTSD, it has been rumoured. Sarah Harrow, 29, who seeks out partners who are at least 20 years...
Don’t let your autism define you, begs woman whose Insta bio reads “drinker of tea”
A non-autistic woman who doesn’t want your autism to define who you are has listed her own defining trait as drinking a hot beverage consumed by pretty much everyone, sources have revealed. Karen Hoyland, 44, whose Insta bio reads “good vibes only, drinker of tea”...
Adorable! Autistic woman suggests serial-killer-inspired baby name
An autistic woman at a baby shower has accidentally suggested a name inspired by a serial killer, it has been rumoured. Siobhan Moorton, 29, from Flint, claims she was “just trying to think outside the box” for former school friend Becky’s future son – and...
Autistic woman finally perfects answering name call on class register
An autistic woman has finally nailed the art of answering the teacher calling her name on the morning register – despite having left school eight decades ago. Miya Wilkes, 96, from Tuebrook, insists that delivering a simple “here, Miss” in front of a class of...
Autistic woman conquers world after discovering allistics’ secret life handbook
An autistic woman has finally been given the keys to the kingdom after unearthing the elusive How to Person handbook the neurotypicals have been hiding from us, it has been announced. Beth Hapworth, 32, expressed relief at having her suspicions confirmed that everyone else was...
Autistic person asks to choose own family this Christmas
An autistic person has decided to select their own family for Christmas this year, sources have confirmed. Kit McGodden, 31, from Derby, ultimately came to the decision after years of drunken arguments with glass baubles being thrown, before their family of four ingested turkey in...
Autism assessment waiting list to be split into “naughty” and “nice”
The waiting list for NHS autism assessments is to be split into “naughty” and “nice”’” categories in time for Christmas, it has been reported. With waiting times for an assessment up to three years long in some parts of the country, the list has been...
