Headline by Sara Gibbs

Everyone but you is invited to regular meetings where it is announced what is and is not socially acceptable to say, our undercover reporters have found.

The format of these meetings revolves around the Oxford English Dictionary, which is taken page by page. Participants vote on every possible topic of conversation to decide whether or not you risk being cast out of society for even bringing it up.

An anonymous source explained: “Naturally, we start with aardvarks. Will we allow you to mention them? Or will we be furious, embarrassed and disappointed at the merest mention of such a deeply non-standard animal?”

“Once the final decisions are made, everyone reaffirms their commitment not to tell you. Oh, and we revisit every word from time to time and change the rules, just to keep you on your toes.”

“Did I say ‘toes’? What a terrible faux pas. We’re not mentioning those anymore. Or are we? Perhaps you should try it and see. Go on. You’ve nothing to lose but the esteem of everyone you’ve ever met.”

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