A neurotypical woman has opened Britain’s first autism petting zoo, reports have confirmed.  “For many people, a petting zoo is their first opportunity to meet a real autistic,” explained zoo founder Deborah Whitehead, 54. “Apart from your weird colleague, it’s unlikely you’ll encounter one in...

A recent public health report has revealed that autism is more common than previously thought, confirming that autistic people are really good at sex. The government-commissioned report found a staggering 120% year-on-year increase in new autism diagnoses, suggesting that the neurotype is extremely common. As...

Autistic people who generally dislike hugging strangers have announced that they will make an exception today for a massive group hug because we all bloody need it.  The Hug, which is open to anyone who isn’t a fascist-supporting cunt, won’t fix the bin fire that...

An autistic woman is opposed to letting off local fireworks for entirely selfless reasons, reports have indicated.  Niamh McGodden, 25, from Allerton, has suddenly become invested in the welfare of ex-serving members of the military – and not just because she finds the sound of...

A child whose parents refused to “give them the autism label” is still, inexplicably, autistic as fuck, it has been rumoured.  Despite her parents declining to label her, Megan Aldrich, seven, still refuses to eat foods that are touching, smile for the camera or believe...

An autistic astronaut stranded on Mars has resisted attempts at rescue, insisting that she would rather spend the rest of her life in space than live one more day on Earth. Kelsey Dacey, 39, a British astrophysicist, became stuck on the planet after her shuttle...

An autistic boy who was given a blue bucket to trick-or-treat with to ensure everybody knows he’s different is just grateful to be singled out for once, his parents have said.  Finley Rice, 10, had merely planned to put on a spooky costume and go...