Woman outraged to learn that inner child work is unpaid
An autistic woman has been shocked to discover “inner child work” is not a means to generate income – halfway through a course of therapy. Sarah Harrow, 27, had been seeing an NHS professional for eight weeks when she arrived at the realisation that she...
Newly diagnosed autistic woman offered follow-up appointment with Twitter dickheads
A late-diagnosed autistic woman seeking further support has been generously offered limitless sessions on social media with some cunts, it has been reported. Paula Mulberry, 41, spent three years on an NHS waiting list before her suspicions that she might be autistic were confirmed. When...
Autistic woman forced to undergo hour of small talk rewarded with haircut
An autistic woman is reportedly “horrified” after being forced to partake in 56 minutes of drawn out chatter in exchange for a simple cut and blow – and then being asked to pay £40 for her ordeal. Sarah Harrow, 33, from Crosby, realised her mistake...
“I think?” Autistic woman prefaces highly specific knowledge to sound less weird
An autistic woman has honed the art of looking normal – despite having a near-encyclopaedic knowledge of all three Bridget Jones films, it has been rumoured. Ellie Mulligan, 34, knows extensive character lore, filming facts and even where they bought Mark Darcy’s folding underpants from. ...
“What if I’m not autistic?” Stresses person handing assessor 91-page dissertation about life
An autistic person is anxious that they won’t receive a formal diagnosis at their upcoming autism assessment – despite providing the psychologist with a folder the size of Tolstoy’s War and Peace. Avery Mann, 40, who was asked to give “a few examples” about their...
Wow! Child with autism on talent show inspires by being distinctly mediocre
An 11-year-old autistic boy who appeared on This Country’s Quite Gifted has stunned audiences – by singing in a way that would be entirely expected for a child his age. Finley Rice – who ocassionally hums along to whatever’s on in the car – appeared...
Non-autistic friend who cancelled plans apologises for causing untold joy
A non-autistic friend who cancelled plans is really sorry to give you five hours of your delicious routine back, it has been rumoured. Before postponing indefinitely, Kelsey Dacey, 31, was scheduled to meet you for a coffee at 11am on Saturday – at the exact...
Autistic child who “can’t express love” to parents declares undying devotion to cat
An autistic child whose parents claim is “incapable of showing affection” regularly hugs and kisses her cat, Trevor, it has been rumoured. Avery Rice, seven, was diagnosed as autistic after her parents noticed she wasn’t achieving regular milestones – such as looking them in the...
Researchers fear people with autism “may become sentient”
People with autism are showing signs that they may soon develop independent thoughts, and worse, start expressing them, researchers have said. The stark warning comes after test subjects began demonstrating likes, dislikes and even what looked like love. Autism expert, Dr. Karen Hoyland, said: “During...
It’s all good material, says autistic woman who will never do stand-up
An autistic woman with zero desire to enter the comedy circuit convinces herself “it’s all good material” every time her life starts falling to pieces, it has been revealed. Paige Thomas, 31, from Old Trafford, insists on using the helpful phrase when things go wrong...
