Researchers fear people with autism “may become sentient”
People with autism are showing signs that they may soon develop independent thoughts, and worse, start expressing them, researchers have said. The stark warning comes after test subjects began demonstrating likes, dislikes and even what looked like love. Autism expert, Dr. Karen Hoyland, said: “During...
It’s all good material, says autistic woman who will never do stand-up
An autistic woman with zero desire to enter the comedy circuit convinces herself “it’s all good material” every time her life starts falling to pieces, it has been revealed. Paige Thomas, 31, from Old Trafford, insists on using the helpful phrase when things go wrong...
“People with autism aren’t funny”, says man who still answers phone “wazzuppppppp?”
Autistic people have no sense of humour – according to a man who still answers the phone with a line from a 1999 Budweiser commercial. Graeme Hart, 45, made the pronouncement after seeing a poster for autistic comedian, Joe Wells, at the pub, prompting him...
Autistic woman relates to protagonist everybody else finds fucking insufferable
An autistic woman has been left feeling ashamed after identifying with the narrator of a novel that everybody else hates, it has been reported. Paige Thomas, 26, attended a local reading group last Monday evening to discuss Sally Rooney’s Conversations With Friends. She was about...
Convenient! Shop autism hours to be held annually from 1am to 2am on Mars
Autistic people everywhere are celebrating the news that supermarkets will be holding one annual quiet shopping hour just for them – just a short rocket trip from Earth. The hour, agreed upon by all leading supermarkets, will conveniently be held between one and two in...
Fraud! Autistic woman forgets to clarify she can’t speak for all autistic people
An autistic woman is under fire after unloading to colleagues about her cancelled train without first making it clear that she doesn’t speak for all autistic people, it has been reported. Recruitment consultant Paige Thomas, 27, is said to have sparked complaints to HR after...
Autistic woman mistakes shit workplace lighting for aurora borealis
An autistic woman who claimed to have seen the Northern Lights “multiple times” was actually just thinking of the ones at her open-plan office, it has been revealed. Alma Montague, 38, from Wallasey, described being confused by the excitement on social media – as spectacular...
Autistic woman “pretty confident” she can perform complex brain surgery after 5th binge-watch of Grey’s Anatomy
An autistic woman has been formally asked to leave St. John’s Hospital in Lambeth after “lurking” in the reception for three days straight, following yet another rewatch of medical drama, Grey’s Anatomy. After being forcibly removed from the waiting area, Beth Hapworth, 38 – who...
Autistic Swedish pop fan accidentally signs up for ABA
A lifelong lover of the band ABBA has mistakenly signed up for a course of Applied Behaviour Anaylsis, it has been reported. When autistic woman Paula Mulberry, 32, arrived at We Don’t Care Therapy Centre, she believed she was auditioning for an upcoming tribute band....
Phew! Five illnesses to give your unvaccinated children that are WAY better than autism
As a parent it’s only natural to be concerned about that one discredited academic paper from 1998 linking vaccines to autism. On the whole, most of us would agree we’d rather have a child with a higher risk of death than one that’s kind of...
