An autistic man who has been bitten by a vampire is struggling to come to terms with the nightmarish reality of his new un-life: a complete inability to practise his facial expressions in the mirror.

Gavin Monks, 36, was on holiday in central Romania when the incident occurred. “One minute I was minding my own business, looking forward to being home and putting all this ‘holiday’ nonsense behind me, and the next thing I knew there was a sudden pain my neck, and I had an inexplicable desire to slick my hair back and play the organ.”

“It’s bad enough that I feel compelled to wear opera cloaks and horrid starchy shirts, but far and away the worst thing was when I tried looking in the mirror. It was partly to work out why my teeth felt so pointy, but mainly to remind myself how to smile, which is a thing I’ve had to practise since I was four.”

“That was when I noticed it. My reflection had completely vanished. What am I supposed to do? How am I supposed to know if I’m saying ‘hello’ correctly if I don’t have a reflection?”

Monks then added: “I mean. Obviously I still have self-reflection. So I know I look awful when I try to smile, but I can no longer spend ages trying to compel the corners of my eyes to crinkle so it looks like I really am enjoying a social activity and not trying to ignore the animal impulse to flee.”

Monks’ vampiric sire, Dracula, 595, said: “You’re compelled to count things, you can’t go anywhere unless you are clearly and specifically invited, you’re weirdly sexy. Apart from the mirror thing and the thirst for blood, most autistic people don’t really notice the difference.”

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