Woman who told depressed friend to “reach out” didn’t mean to HER
A woman who told her clinically depressed autistic friend to reach out if she felt bad meant for her to reach out to someone else, it has been confirmed. Karen Hoyland, 38, told Emma Bernard, 34, that she should “talk to someone about these feelings,”...
“Everything we don’t like is on the spectrum” decide neurotypicals
Neurotypicals have helpfully decided that everything they dislike must be “on the spectrum,” it has been announced. Neurotypicals said: “That guy being a bit of a tosser? Probably on the spectrum.” “Nazis? Definitely on the spectrum,” they continued. “That mass murderer?” They added. “Seems pretty...
Neurotypicals unaware they can just stay home
Neurotypical people have no idea that they can simply not go outside, it has been reported. Since the start of summer, reports of allistic people leaving their lovely homes with all their things in have shot up by 11,000%. Sociologist, Dr. Olivia Buckingham, explained the...
Disabled friend doesn’t particularly want your Not-Covid either
Your disabled friend isn’t exactly thrilled about the idea of getting whatever horrible lurgy you’ve reassured them isn’t Covid, it has been revealed. In a statement released today, your disabled friend clarified that yes, they’re keen to avoid Covid at all costs, but you still...
Scientists discover first nephew without autism
The world’s first nephew who doesn’t have autism has been discovered by scientists, it has been reported. Seven-year-old Finley Rice has not exhibited a single symptom of ASD – despite having two aunts and an uncle. Autism researcher Dr. Graeme Hart, who made the discovery, said:...
Autistic person up to date with zeitgeist discovers they’ve bloody changed it again
An autistic person who has finally learned the names of all the current A listers, heard all the recent pop hits and binge watched the most popular TV shows has been left devastated after their research was made redundant by the passage of time. Avery...
Yet another free trial to feel like great idea at time
Yet another free trial subscription has announced plans to briefly feel like a stroke of genius. Neurodivergent Tax Magazine said in a statement released today: “Go on! You can cancel any time. You won’t, but you can.” The statement continued: “It’s the perfect solution. You...
Autistic man amasses world’s largest collection of grudges
An autistic man has invited reporters to view his record-breaking grudge collection. Gavin Monks, 43, has had a special focus on grudges his entire life and now has whole rooms in his home dedicated to them. Monks said: “This is my room for everyday grudges....
Autistic woman “supporting close friend through hard time” actually thinking of TV character
An autistic woman whose emotional resources have been depleted by “holding space for a loved one” is actually referring to Toadie from the Australian soap opera, Neighbours. Freya Emerson, 33, has become increasingly concerned for Jarrod “Toadfish” Rebecchi since he recently started exhibiting erratic behaviour...
Woman without autism will never lead abnormal life
A woman who suffers from not having autism will tragically lead an entirely ordinary life, sources have confirmed. Becky Armitage, 35, whose hair is an ordinary blonde colour without a single streak of rainbow in there, has been written off by doctors as “profoundly basic”....
