AuDHD woman’s special interest is her phone
An AuDHD woman has revealed that her special interest is compulsively opening and closing apps on her phone. Kelsey Dacey, 37, who is definitely not a phone addict, just has a hyperfixation on the lovely glowy supercomputer full of instant dopamine hits. Dacey said: “It’s...
Autistic woman not ready to admit visit to animal shelter was a mistake
An autistic woman who thought she could simply view the cats and dogs at a local shelter and then leave without any cats or dogs is not yet ready to admit she was wrong, it has been confirmed. The first cracks in 32-year-old Beth Hapworth’s...
AuDHD person’s comedy accent just weird and ambiguous enough to not be racist
An AuDHD person has reassured the public that the comedy accent they compulsively put on is too non-specific to target any one group of people. Jay Chester, 29, who usually adopts the bizarre dialect when they’re trying to ask for something without sounding like an...
Only non-dyspraxic in autistic friend group tasked with opening all the crisps
The only non-dyspraxic person in an autistic friendship group has been officially appointed Chief Crisp Packet Opener, it has been announced. Dexter Livingstone, 28, nicknamed Dextrous Dexter for his ability to use his fingers without somehow instigating a nuclear meltdown, has also been tasked with...
Autistic woman’s favourite part of sex is her bra coming off
An autistic woman has revealed that her favourite part of sex is the bit where her horrible itchy bra gets removed. Miya Wilkes, 28, from Durham, enjoys the rest of sex just fine – but has to stop herself instantly climaxing from the sheer relief...
Knock-knock joke falls flat as autistic refuses to answer door
A knock-knock joke has failed to land, or even get off the ground, as the autistic person on the receiving end simply pretended they hadn’t heard the door going, it has been reported. Kit McGodden, 24, reportedly responded to the opening gambit of “knock knock”...
Cute! Autistic best friends take turns to have mental health crises
A pair of autistic best friends have been described as “adorable” for their habit of alternating their respective mental health crises, it has been reported. Kelsey Dacey, 27 and Becky Armitage, 29, have implemented a relay-race system to ensure that only one of them is...
Autistic woman’s movie night ruined by volume being on odd number that’s not even a multiple of five
An autistic woman’s movie night has been wrecked by the volume being set to 21, sources have revealed. Emma Bernard, 38, had been looking forward to a classic movie marathon with friends, but found herself unable to enjoy the evening after someone (Becky) incorrectly set...
“I’m just going to veg out on my sofa today” says autistic man who just vegges out on sofa every day
An autistic man who announced plans to “have a chilled one on the couch today” neglected to mention that he has a chilled one on the couch every day, it has been rumoured. Dexter Livingstone, 37, claimed that he needed the rest after a long...
Autistic woman to apologise for apologising until she runs out of oxygen
Concerns are growing for an autistic woman’s oxygen supplies as she enters a third day of her perpetual apology loop, emergency services have said. Beth Hapworth, 21, initially apologised to girlfriend Emma Bernard, 23, for Bernard’s period pains. On being told “you don’t need to...
