Love rat! Autistic man cheats on long-term T-shirt
An autistic man’s T-shirt is devastated to discover that after five years of exclusivity, its owner has purchased a second one, sources have revealed. The black cotton T-shirt had recently celebrated five happy years with autistic man, Dexter Livingstone, 29, but was left “shocked and...
Hope for recently dumped autistic woman as she finally reaches ugly-sobbing-to-Taylor-Swift stage of grief
A newly dumped autistic woman’s friends have expressed optimism about her recovery, as she was overheard bawling her eyes out to the new Taylor Swift album. Paige Thomas, 25, first streamed The Tortured Poets Department LP several days after she was left by now-ex-boyfriend, Dexter...
Phew! Five illnesses to give your unvaccinated children that are WAY better than autism
As a parent it’s only natural to be concerned about that one discredited academic paper from 1998 linking vaccines to autism. On the whole, most of us would agree we’d rather have a child with a higher risk of death than one that’s kind of...
Autistic kids tricked into going trans, says woman who’s never tried to make an autistic child do anything they don’t want to
Autistic kids are being turned trans against their will, claims a woman who’s never tried to feed an autistic child a vegetable. Prominent anti-trans campaigner Karen Hoyland, 42, said: “I’m very concerned about how many trans-identified children also have autism. Children suffering from autism are...
Wow! Autistic woman hears existential howl of meaningless universe
An autistic woman’s senses are so finely attuned that she can not only hear the buzzing of electricity in the walls, but also the perpetual background-level shriek of despair emitted by the never-ending soul-sucking void that is our universe, it has been confirmed. Paula Mulberry,...
Autistic woman whose friend forgot they were meeting up has been waiting at Clapham Junction for three months
An autistic woman whose friend never showed up to their pre-arranged hangout three months ago is still waiting outside the Accessorize at Clapham Junction station ‘just in case’, it has been revealed. Sarah Harrow, 25, was due to meet Paige Thomas, 24, at 11.45am on...
Heartbreak! Autistic woman unsure how to tell special interest she’s fallen out of love with it
An autistic woman is just going through the motions with her special interest because she doesn’t have the heart to tell it the spark is gone, sources have confirmed. Freya Emerson, 30, and her long-term hyperfixation, dinosaurs, 225 million, have reportedly been growing apart lately,...
I won’t let my son’s autism define him, says self-defined Autism Mum
A woman who has based her entire personality on having an autistic son has vowed not to let her son’s autism define him, it has been revealed. Karen Hoyland, 42, who tweets under the name “AutismMummy42”, said: “I’m doing everything I can to make sure...
Autistic woman in hiding after friend calls for chat without providing agenda for conversation
An autistic woman has been reported missing after a friend phoned her “for no particular reason”, it has been reported. Avery Mann, 32, received the phone call from friend Freya Emerson, 29, at 4.53pm last Saturday for a “catch up” with no clear purpose that...
Psychic! Neurotypical workplace trainer explains what it’s like to have autism
A non-autistic workplace trainer has really made colleagues think after delivering a presentation explaining exactly what it’s like to “have autism,” sources have revealed. Graeme Hart, 42, was hired by an unnamed Fortune 500 company as part of their Neurodiversity Celebration Week – a brief...
