An autistic woman has created a spreadsheet she kind of low-key wants to fuck, eyewitnesses have reported. 

Freya Emerson, 39, who is rumoured to have a kink for conditional formatting, was keen to state that while the content of the spreadsheet was not, in itself, sexual, it would definitely send nerds worldwide into a horny administrative frenzy. 

“The spreadsheet has 26 tabs, but, titillatingly, only three of them are visible. I like to leave something to the imagination,” Emerson explained. “All the key cells have been wrapped and merged, and we’ve got a flirty little thing going on where a few of them are even locked. Don’t worry: there’s a safeword. I mean, ‘password’.”

“Mmm, look how it pivots,” she added. “Hoo boy, is that a bunch of columns or is it just happy to see me?”

“Honestly: it’s my greatest creation. It’s a compendium of all the other spreadsheets I’ve ever made,” she continued. “It’s metatextual, which is good because I’m metatextualsexual.”

When approached for a final comment Emerson groaned, “I think I’m going to SUM.”

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