An autistic person using a new bathroom for the first time has had to delay their urgent bodily functions due to spotting something truly horrific on the walls, it has been reported.

While everyone else who has used the bathroom has either not noticed, or been more concerned about the length of the queue, Jay Chester, 24, was allegedly “furious”. 

Chester, who spoke to us while crossing their legs and occasionally wincing, was apparently aghast at the sight of a patterned bathroom tile which had been placed at a 180° angle compared to the rest. 

“The manufacturer’s website says these squares are ‘abstract’, but there’s clearly a repeating 16-tile pattern; this, this, and this one all match,” they said, dancing from foot to foot. “See, in that corner? If you squint, it looks a bit like a melting clown gnawing on a pigeon.”

“These tiles were a design, meant to live out their lives as part of a whole, and now their purpose has been destroyed by someone’s inconsiderate workmanship. Honestly, the longer I spend in here, the angrier I get!” Chester yelled, wriggling uncomfortably and making pained noises. 

“I don’t really know how to fix this, but I’m writing to the highest authorities I can think of: God, Santa, my local librarian, my mum, and obviously Big Bird from Sesame Street. Hopefully one of them will be able to fix the tile and the really sharp pain in my stomach!”

When approached for final comment, through a cubicle door, Chester added: “Have you got any paper?”

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