An autistic person who reckons they might enjoy a classic horror movie has reportedly failed to consider that their nervous system has its own nervous system. 

According to sources, Alix Gardner, 39, who not five minutes ago shrieked because they had accidentally brushed their own arm, then shrieked a second time because their brain had caught up to the fact that they had used their other arm to brush the first one and that that was also attached to their body, optimistically believes they’re going to get through more than the opening credits of The Woman in Black.

Gardner said: “AAAAARGH! Sorry that’s just what it sounds like when I burp. And now to watch the movie.”

“AAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH!” Gardner continued. “I still haven’t pressed play, that was in response to the washing machine beeping. NOW I’m going to watch the movie.”

“AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH!!!!!” Gardner added. “That was just another burp.”

At the time of publication, Gardner had not yet been jumpscared by The Woman in Black because they had accurately realised that: “The movie can’t hurt me if I’m looking at my phone.”

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