A friend who has had to block out a few hours on their calendar to fully digest a meandering, 3000-word response to their question was really only hoping for a yes or no answer, sources have reported.

Eddie Albington, 25, explained: “I thought I might go to the cinema this afternoon. I knew Miya had been to see the latest Spider-Man film, so I asked ‘Did you like it?’ The three ‘typing’ dots appeared and I started to realise the gravity of what I’d just done. In my defence, I was desperate: I’d just put the same question in a groupchat and I got one ‘not seen it sorry’ and fourteen spider emojis.”

Miya Wilkes, 26, who has never had an unexpressed thought in her life, was very keen to speak to our reporter.

“I’m so glad you asked! I spent the first few hundred words contemplating what ‘enjoyment’ is when it comes to films, and I think I concluded that a film fills a specific emotional need,” she explained. “For instance, if you want to reflect on the horrors of the modern world I’d recommend Koyaanisqatsi, but if you want to see a CGI teenager go all, like, ‘pwaaaaang!’ and ‘ba-phwoo!’ and flying all over the place? Probably Spider-Man.”

“So, then you’ve got to think through all the little details about what makes a good Spider-Man film,” Wilkes continued. “How does it compare with the rest of the superhero film series? Live action or animated? Crucially: are his web shooters sufficiently jizzy?”

Albington was reportedly still scrolling through Wilkes’ thesis on the nature of film, storytelling and the human condition as the lights dimmed in the Odeon. “I hope Batman’s in this one,” he whispered.

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